Stuck in a Situationship? Here’s Why It Keeps Happening

We have all been in the grey area once or twice.

We are dating and getting to know someone, but there comes a point where the topic of an exclusive relationship is the elephant in the room.

You’re engaging in the activities of people in a committed relationship, but there is one piece missing.

The committed relationship.

By now, I don’t think I have to define what a situationship is, but there is nothing more frustrating than being stuck in the middle of one.

There is some embarrassment, which feels like a shot at your perceived value.

There are two sides to the story.

One person feels they should wait it out, and the other will realize they should make the move and commit to the next step.

The other person has some degree of doubt in their mind, and although they like the connection, something is stopping them from moving forward.

There’s a solution to this dynamic regardless of which side you’ve been on.

There is a solution that will help you understand why you’ve allowed this dynamic into your life, and there is a way to break the cycle so it never happens again.

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Most of you who follow my writing know me as the attachment theory coach and big surprise, I have to loop it into his article.

The trouble in this dynamic is you are generally dealing with an avoidant and anxious couple.

The avoidant finds comfort in having access to a connection, but the commitment to a relationship feels different, and those thoughts add pressure to the dynamic. Their solution is to keep you close, at a distance.
The anxious partner wants the dynamic to continue because they feel like they can convince the other person over some time they want the relationship too. They are scared to present their needs because of the fear of rejection.

When you read between the lines, you can see why this dynamic isn’t easy for both partners to step away from.

Two people desire connection for different reasons: one feels like enjoying the connection at the moment but is tip-toeing around a commitment to the future. The other feels like they can stick around and show their value.

Regardless, we are looking at what is wrong with getting involved in a situationship.

There is a communication barrier, and neither side can express what they need from the other to reach a common middle ground.

The block

Individuals involved in situations share a common trait. They both have a fear of rejection.

You would think that someone who leans avoidant is careless and is the one doing the rejecting. It goes much deeper than that.

An avoidant has a core wound of rejection.

Their opinions, values, and feelings did not receive positive responses at some point.

They have trouble connecting to emotions and feelings because there is fear of the response they think they will receive.

What happens next?

They dodge the development of those feelings, and that is when it becomes hard for them to commit to relationships. They have trouble quantifying the relationship between their emotions and their pleasure with their prospective partner.

Let’s take a look at the flip side of the dynamic.

Someone on the anxious side can recognize this, so they’re generally pushing for the relationship to move.

Their sense of rejection comes when they feel like their abandonment wound is triggered.

They want to see the relationship through and explore every avenue of “working on it” until they’ve gone through every hoop.

People who feel anxious will hold their feelings in until they blow up and become physically exhausted trying to mend the pieces.

They don’t want to let the idea of the relationship go because the alternative is being alone.

The fine line

Let’s step away from relating the dynamic to attachment theory and look at what is happening at a base level.

Neither person sees the value in walking away because the alternative is not having anybody in their life.

Your situation doesn’t have to be toxic for it to be unhealthy.

The danger in situationships is that there is a massive barrier to communication and expression. You can’t make it to the next stage in development if two people feel a wall between them.

In this dynamic, you subconsciously learn to accept the lack of values and traits that make a relationship strong.

Although it feels comfortable, you will take that same view into your next relationship, so what happens?

The cycle.

You begin to accept the minimum or feel less comfortable expressing your feelings until things blow up.

Yes, it is fun and feels easy, but the second feelings become involved, it turns into a headache.

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It will sound boring, but be intentional about what you want and a soft timeline for that outcome.

No, do not make a PowerPoint and present it to your prospective partner, but have the conversation early.

Get out of the cycle.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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