Edgar Ramsey knows the way to a woman’s heart.
If you asked most men what they think turns a woman on, I am sure the many different answers would be very interesting. So how about it, what do you guys out there think gets a woman “in the mood” for sex? What makes her really hot?
I am no expert on the subject of sexuality, but I have learned some things in my life experiences that I think are relevant to any marriage or relationship. Here’s one: talk is the female aphrodisiac. The more I talk to my wife, the more likely it is we will have sex. And I am not just referring to idle chitchat, I am referring to real heart to heart communication, sharing intimate thoughts and feelings, connecting on all levels: intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. The more we talk like that, the more it turns her on.
What a simple concept; if I want to make love with my wife more frequently, I need to talk to her! I admit I have a strong libido and definitely want sex more often than my wife does. But often she will do it to please me even though she is not really in the mood. And I don’t mind this as I never pressure her and I appreciate this loving, unselfish gift. But to be honest, the best sex happens when both of us are really turned on and well, horny as hell. Over the years, I have tried many different scenarios to try and get my wife in the mood for sex. Here are a few:
- Take her out for a romantic dinner. It really all comes back to the talking thing; if we really communicate well at dinner, I just might get lucky later, and then she becomes dessert.
- Buy her flowers or a present. While she appreciates the gestures and what woman doesn’t like getting flowers?—bribery doesn’t ever seem to work for me when it comes to sex.
- Give her a nice massage. Sometimes this works well, but most often I just put her to sleep; definitely not my objective.
- Have some candles burning, soft music in the back ground and me waiting for her in bed, naked. It seemed like a really good idea, but got poor results. It made her feel like sex was an expectation. Too much pressure.
- Cuddle up in bed and talk for hours. I can’t say this works every time, sometimes we just fall asleep in each others arms—which is also very nice—but often our talk will eventually progress to touching, then intimate touching and eventually to some of the best sex we have together.
My wife is a very intelligent and stunningly beautiful woman inside and out. I met her online in 1998, long before there were eHarmony or Match.com. I was new to California and simply posted an “Activity Partner Wanted” ad on a bulletin board. After getting some scary replies like, “Married woman looking for discrete fun on the side while gangster husband is in prison for assault and armed robbery,” I got a very nice email from my future wife saying she would love to do dinner and dancing with me in San Francisco. We chatted online for a week or so and then spent endless hours on the phone talking. I remember seeing three and five hour calls on my phone bill. Gods knows what all we talked about.
A few weeks later, she invited me to meet her at a Starbucks in Davis. It was a hot Sunday afternoon in August. I drove out to the Valley thinking I was going to meet someone new and that we would just be friends. But when I finally saw her face for the first time, I realized she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. We decided to skip the coffee and went around the corner to a bar for a drink instead. I was smitten. Cupid must have emptied his whole quiver into me; definitely love at first sight. I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. The image of her face was etched onto my brain. I knew I was in serious trouble.
Two nights later, she called me and said she was on her way to San Francisco to take me out for dinner. Thus our wonderful adventure together began.
When my wife and I were just dating as friends with benefits, but not yet in any kind of committed relationship, there were several other men who were also very interested in her romantically. I certainly couldn’t blame them, but I looked as them rather apprehensively as “the competition.” Most of them were online friends she chatted with, some local and some far away even in other countries.One man in Italy regularly sent her love letters and one day, a bouquet of very expensive flowers showed up at her door. The card said he wanted to fly right over to America and marry her. She thought this was sort of sweet, but also just a wee bit impulsive as they had never actually met in person. Fortunately for me, he soon faded into oblivion.
Another of her online male friends was from Santa Cruz. They chatted quite a bit and she definitely liked him. Eventually, they exchanged pictures and she thought he was really cute. She talked about driving down to Santa Cruz to meet him for a date. Then one day, out of the blue, he sent her some nude pictures of himself including close-ups of his “big boy” standing at full attention. They were totally unsolicited. I guess he thought the mere sight of his manhood would get her so wet and excited, she would just drop what she was doing, hop in her car and drive to Santa Cruz. Once there, she would tear her clothes off and have wild sex with him. Instead, she was shocked and totally turned off. She couldn’t believe what he had sent her. He got deleted and immediately went onto her blocked/ignore list.
So what did this poor guy do wrong? He probably wasn’t a bad person. But instead of getting laid and possibly starting a relationship with a wonderful, beautiful woman, he got permanently banished (his loss, my gain, I am happy to say). And it was simply because he thought like a man instead of looking at it from a woman’s perspective. He didn’t understand that women generally are wired differently and unlike men who respond easily to pure visceral, visual stimuli; women tend to want some kind of emotional intimacy or connection before venturing on to physical intimacy. Rather than sending her pictures of his erect penis, which only made her think that he was some kind of weirdo/pervert, he should simply have asked her for a date. She was definitely interested in meeting him. Maybe suggested they meet at a cozy ocean-view restaurant for dinner. What an advantage he had, he lived in Santa Cruz and on a live-aboard boat no less. After a night of fine dining, a glass or two of wine, a long walk on the beach and some quality conversation, my future wife may have happily torn her clothes off for him. Who knows where that might have led to? She might be married to him now instead of me.
My wife loves sex and has told me many times that she doesn’t need to be in love with a man to have great sex with him. But she definitely doesn’t like men who are pushy about getting sex, men who don’t treat a woman respectfully, or men who only care about getting their rocks off and never bothered to learn how to really please a woman. My wife tells me that a good majority of men she has slept with were just plain lousy lovers; impatient, selfish, not giving or loving. And most of all, she wants to feel some kind of feelings or emotional connection with a man before she just hops into the sack with him. That only comes from talking.
So if you want to really spark the flames of a woman’s passion, I believe the secret is to talk to her. Talk is the female aphrodisiac. But smart women can spot bullshit a mile away, so don’t try to charm her panties off or pretend you are Don Juan. Just be sincere, honest and open. Be yourself. Communicate. And talk to her.
—Photo Metro Centric/Flickr