It’s easy!! How can talking about sex with your child possibly be easy?
At first, it may not be but with continued discussion and the use of formal language, it will get easier, especially if your child is still young enough that he/she has not yet been influenced by the regular social taboos surrounding sexuality. But how to start? Imagine this: Where does a baby originate from is a query posed by your youngster. The acronym LAST serves as a broad guideline for how to respond to all of your child’s inquiries.
First, “Listen”. This means active listening. Stop whatever you are doing. Bring the child up to your level or go down to his/hers so that eye contact can be made. Use a serious facial expression that shows interest. Your child will get the message that he/she is worth listening to and that the question is important.
Then “Ask”. Make sure your understanding of the question matches what the child means. If this is not made clear, a parent may start into a lengthy discussion on sexual activity, pregnancy, and birth while the youngster merely wanted to talk about eating. To know where he/she was born. If a parent answers a question that the child is not asking, all those words of wisdom will probably go to waste. The child may not pay attention to the answer because it did not relate to what he/she was ready to hear. Clarifying the question before answering would solve the problem. This could be done in two ways. What does the kid say when you ask, “What do you believe the answer is?” is an excellent method for figuring out the exact question being posed as well as the child’s level of understanding and perplexity. You can answer the question asked, add to what the child already knows, and clear up misinformation. A second approach would be to ask, “Do you mean how a baby is made?” This asks the question directly and to the point.
Third, “Sort”. Sort out how you are going to respond to the question. If it’s a difficult question, this may take some time. You may want to refer to a book or to a professional to make sure you are getting the facts straight. Consider the values you want to communicate to your child about the issue. All questions do not need to be answered immediately although all need to be answered eventually. you might respond. I think I’ll talk about it with Dad or look it up in a book.” The key here is to add when you plan to answer it. Give a specific time: “I’ll answer it at bedtime.” Without a concrete commitment to answer the question, a child may conclude that Mum or Dad doesn’t want to answer and may not return with a similar question. Be sure you have your answer ready at the agreed time and keep your commitment.
Finally, you get to “Talk” and answer the question. Always boost a child’s sense of self-esteem by telling them that the question is a good one — even if it is the last one you expected or wanted to hear. Then give them the facts. This is usually relatively easy. If you don’t know the facts or are unsure, look them up, perhaps with your child. Sometimes saying particular words, like “penis” or “vagina”, may make you feel uncomfortable. Practice saying them in front of the mirror a few times. If your child is a preschooler, start with a few facts. Your child will ask if she/he wants to know more. Older children want a more complete answer without too many gaps. However, they too will ask more questions if the gaps puzzle them.
Facts are followed by talking about your values. This step is the most difficult. It is easier if you have sorted out your values before questions arise. Values around issues like masturbation, homosexuality, the right age to have sexual intercourse, nudity, pornography, body image, etc., etc. need to be explored. Discuss them with your partner to ensure that the messages delivered to your children are as consistent as possible. If you don’t add a valuable message to the question, your children will learn them from friends and the media. These messages may not agree with your own. Adolescents, who may rebel against parents’ values for a while as a normal part of their development, still desire value messages from their parents and consider those that are well thought out as most important, usually returning them post-adolescence.
Finally, add the expectations you have for your child’s behavior based on those values. For instance, your value on when it is o.k. to have sex may be based on love but not necessarily marriage. You would then add, that you would prefer that your son/daughter waited to have intercourse until they were sure they were deeply in love. Although you are suggesting a behavior based on your values by saying this, it is not absolute. You tell them what you would prefer, but the decision is still up to them. It may be difficult when your child asks, “How do I know when I am deeply in love?”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Kristina Flour on Unsplash