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There are some conversations that are just really hard. Since my son was born I’ve been semi-dreading some of the dad–chats ahead.
For instance, the ‘birds and the bees’ chat, the ‘how to deal with bullies chat,’ and even the ‘sorry our dog has gone to dog heaven’ chat. One chat I never expected to have was about terrorism! It seems that barely a day goes past without some kind of atrocity hitting our news, both at home and abroad, and the impact on our kids is substantial.
If your child is, like mine, at an age where they’re exposed to what’s happening in the news and struggling to comprehend, then it’s essential that we know how to talk with them about it, or at least make sure your son or daughter feel they can talk about it with you.
But it isn’t easy. How are we meant to respond to questions such as:
‘Will I be okay?’
‘Why do these people do such terrible things?’
‘Are you and mummy going to get hurt?’
Thankfully there are people who can give some guidance to us.
Recognise the Symptoms
Rachel Calum, a Professor of Child and Family Psychology at Manchester University, helped draw up advice for parents and teachers immediately after the bombing at Ariana Grande’s concert at the Manchester Arena. Calum points out that supporting children and young people affected – directly or indirectly – by major trauma means letting them know that experiencing some distress is entirely normal. But what about the signs to look for? Here’s what she said:
- “This might include difficulties sleeping with thoughts and memories of what has happened popping into the mind and triggering bad dreams.”
- “They may be feeling low, irritable, exhibit some behavioural problems and avoid activities they used to enjoy.”
- “There is no one way of feeling after a trauma.”
Trauma affects people in totally different ways, so we need to keep an eye out for the symptoms and changes in behaviour that might mean a conversation is needed even quicker.
Starting the Conversation
For younger children in primary school, it is important that parents and dads especially don’t shy away from some of the more challenging issues – but are talking about them in an age appropriate way. That’s what Shilpa Belliappa, advisor the National Crime Agency (and a former NSPCC community manager) suggests.
We can start these conversations by asking what they learned in school about what’s been in the news – many schools are addressing the effects of terrorist tragedies in dedicated assemblies or moments of silence.
- Asking your child what the event meant to them?
- What they thought about during the silence?
- What their friends think about the news?
Shilpa and Rachel also shared much more detail of how to talk to toddlers and teens differently, and 4 other key strategies to help dads take control of the conversation.
Be ready for the conversation, Dad, and make sure you know how to take control of it.
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