Some time back, I decided to conduct a social experiment where I paid a couple of atheist friends to go to a church service, kind of like church “mystery shoppers.”
There was a twist, though.
My two atheist friends happened to be in a same-sex relationship with each other. I felt mildly guilty for recruiting them, given that you never really know how evangelical Christians will react to meeting openly gay people.
I tried to prepare them for the possibility of a frosty reception, but despite my warning, they were still super keen to give the church a go. I admired their bravery.
Finally, the day came. I sent them off to church and waited anxiously to hear from them about how it went.
At last, the phone rang.
The girls had successfully survived the service but were accosted afterward by a super-friendly church member, who was, no doubt, chuffed to have some visitors at church.
After exchanging salutations, the church members asked, “So, are you guys sisters?”
At last! The elephant in the room!
“Actually, we are partners,” They replied.
The church member’s face went blank as if they lacked the mental software to process the information they had just received. To be fair, this was probably something that was way out of their scope of understanding. Most evangelic Christians don’t really acquaint themselves with openly gay people.
“Oh…” That was all the church member could muster in reply. Her mouth kind of hung open after this single syllable had escaped. Then there was a few painfully awkward seconds of silence.
My atheist buddies decided that it was time to wrap up the church visit and politely thanked their new church ‘friend’ for their hospitality and offered, “We really enjoyed the experience,” as they made for the door.
Talk about a conversation killer.
Conversation killers for your next church visit
This experiment got me thinking. If you were going to visit a church, what are some one-liners that you just know would kill conversations? Hey, why don’t you leave me some in the comments section?
Just for fun, I’ve come up with a few myself. Don’t take this too seriously, folks! It’s okay to laugh at yourself:
Conversation Killer: “Where can I confess my sins? I’ve done a really bad thing.”
What the church member would say: You can’t out-sin God’s ability to forgive, brother! Praise God!
What the church member is really thinking: I really wanna know what terrible thing you have done, but I know that it’s awkward to ask unless I offer to pray for you… then maybe I can.
Conversation Killer: “This church is great. Next week I’m going to bring my Dads… both of them.”
What the church member would say: That’s awesome! Everyone is welcome here!
What the church member is really thinking: Wait… what did you say? Two dads? Oh, I’m not sure this is the right place for them. You poor kid. Were you abused?
Conversation Killer: “Do you guys do conversion therapy? I’m asking for a friend.”
What the church member would say: I can get one of our pastors to get in touch with your “friend” if you like.
What the church member is really thinking: The answer is “Yes, we do!” but we would never call it that. Plus, I wonder if you are an undercover reporter from CNN trying to find some dirt on the church. If you’re not, I’m pretty sure you’re gay.”
Conversation Killer: “Hi, I’m Dan. My preferred pronouns are….
What the church member would say: Haha, my preferred pronoun is “His” because I belong to Him alone.
What the church member is really thinking: I don’t give a shit what your preferred pronouns are. If you were born with a penis, imma call you “He,” and if you were born with a vagina, imma call you “She.” Gender ain’t no social construct, you wicked leftist scumbag.
Conversation Killer: “When do we get the free wine?”
What the church member would say: We take the Lord’s Supper during the service.
What the church member is really thinking: You are nothing more than a freeloading, good-for-nothing drunk.
Conversation Killer: “Where is the smoker’s area?”
What the church member would say: If you must smoke, there is an area you can go behind the church.
What the church member is really thinking: Good Christians don’t smoke, duh! Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, you wicked heathen! How dare you fill it with cigarette smoke! In fact, how can you even call yourself a Christian?
Conversation Killer: “Do you have a ministry for single, middle-aged men?”
What the church member would say: There’s something for everyone here, brother! Praise God!
What the church member is really thinking: If you have arrived at middle age and are still single, then I’m thinking you might actually be a closeted homosexual, in which case you can stay the hell away from my children. There are two women for every man in the church. What the hell is wrong with you?
Conversation Killer: “The Lord has sent me to tell you…”
What the church member would say: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
What the church member is really thinking: No, outsiders don’t come along with a message from God. We are the ones with the message from God, now take a seat in a pew and listen up.
Conversation Killer: “I was wondering how this church keeps its pastor accountable? I’ve heard that he divorced his wife and married his secretary.”
What the church member would say: There’s grace for all of us, brother!
What the church member is really thinking: Imma call security and get this guy out of here, the first chance I get.
Conversation Killer: “This is the first time I’ve been back at church since my parole was approved”
What the church member would say: God is a God of second chances!
What the church member is really thinking: What were you in for, anyway? I don’t trust you, and imma keep my eye on you the whole time you’re here, and if you so much as take one step wrong, imma whip out my concealed weapon and finish you off!
Conversation Killer: “I noticed your pastor has quite the collection of luxury cars. How did he afford those?”
What the church member would say: Our pastor is blessed with prosperity, and his success is a testament to God’s favor.
What the church member is really thinking: Mind your own business, buddy. Our pastor’s lavish lifestyle is none of your concern. Maybe if you live a more righteous life, you’d have more luxury cars.
Conversation Killer: “Are you guys open to alternative worship styles, like heavy metal or hip-hop?”
What the church member would say: We embrace diversity and different expressions of worship as long as it glorifies the Lord.
What the church member is really thinking: Heavy metal and hip-hop? Are you trying to summon the devil in our sanctuary? We have a hard enough time accepting drums and electric guitars. Stick to hymns or risk eternal damnation!
Conversation Killer: “I’ve been struggling with doubt and questioning my faith lately.”
What the church member would say: It’s natural to have doubts sometimes. Just keep praying and seeking God, and He will guide you.
What the church member is really thinking: Doubts? Oh no, we can’t have that. Just pretend everything is fine, and if you can’t, then keep your doubts to yourself. We don’t need any skepticism infecting the flock.
Conversation Killer: “Just wondering what opportunities there are here for my wife and daughters to minister and lead?”
What the church member would say: Well, let me see… we are always looking for volunteers to help with morning tea.
What the church member is really thinking: Let me show your wife and daughters to the kitchen, brother. If you were any kind of man, you would accept your god-given responsibility as the leader of your household and get out from under your wife’s thumb.
Conversation Killer: “I haven’t felt enjoyed fellowship like this since Biden’s victory party back in 2020.”
What the church member would say: … (crickets chirping)…
What the church member is really thinking: You come to the wrong place, asshole. Anyone who really knows God, knows that Trump is God’s man and Biden is the spawn of Satan, just like you.
It would be funny…
Hey, I’d like to think that these conversations were hyperboles, aberrations, and exaggerations. The problem is, I can actually imagine them happening!
What about you?
Give me your best conversation killer for church in the comments section.
There is a moral to this story: Only people who are truly spiritually mature can be comfortable around doubt, sin, critique, and difference of belief. Having to protect your turf is a sure sign that you’re not there yet.
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This post was previously published on Backyard Church.
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