I’ve been a single dad with the majority custody for almost two years now, and what a ride it has been. After finding out my then spouse was cheating not long after we got married (roughly 6 months), it was a quick slide from ‘making it work’ to ‘fuck you and fuck this’.
During a rough couple of months, it was so incredibly hard to be present for the kids, and yet when we hit the other side it was like coming through a dark cave into the light of fucking Valhalla. The best.
Men have the raw end of the deal when it comes to separating – I got unjustly dragged through the mud with lies and accusations I will never forgive or forget. Thankfully my kids weren’t completely exposed to them.
Once I got my head above water as I restarted my life, I could actually see how truly blessed I was.
1. There is more time than you think.
My initial stress was time.
How the HELL do I have enough time to pay my bills, train, take the kids to multiple activities per week, have a dating life, keep the house tidy, make time for my passions, and have time to chill out…
Fear not. There is plenty of time in a day, and I make it work. Now, given, I sometimes drop the ball. Sometimes the house gets untidy with piles of washing and dishes. Sometimes I don’t have time to train. Sometimes I haven’t shot my bow or gone on a hunt for months. At the end of the day though, it always gets done one way or another, and the world doesn’t fall apart.
When you’re time-poor, you also realise the priorities more clearly – sure the kids have made a mess with all their art and books are lying everywhere, but it’s perfectly fine to be present with them now and tidy it up when they’re in bed, it just means one less episode of Vikings. Sure, the pile of clothes to fold is SKY high, but folding the clothes isn’t as important as my health, so I’ll train… and catch up on Vikings tonight while I fold.
2. It’s HARD to Be Everything to Everyone, but It Can Be Done.
Traditionally, Mum is the patient soft touch and Dad is the authoritarian. Being firm has come pretty easily to me, I set boundaries clearly and make sure the kids understand them. One of my flaws is that sometimes that boundary is way too firm and it’s ok to have a little give. They’re 3 and 5 for goodness sake.
What has taken some time, and something that I struggle with regularly is the soft touch, patience. When a tantrum is being thrown over what shoes to wear, my natural reaction is to use a hammer and not a scalpel. I have to work very consistently on my finesse parenting. I am regularly trying harder to be more patient, more understanding and have a bit more of a feminine touch depending on the occasion.
It takes some serious introspection and objectivity. Often when I sit down to journal, my mind will naturally float to my parenting performance above all others, and in that I am incredibly critical.
Its a double-edged sword, but for me being self-critical to a point allows for better parenting.
3. Every Day Is a Fresh Start.
No matter how hard I try, I fuck up all the time.
I lose patience, I don’t exercise, I can’t be bothered to do the dishes, I cut corners.
I make sure I own my fuck ups to my kids. I’m not afraid to say to them ‘Hey, Daddy shouldn’t have gotten angry, I’m sorry’. It’s important they know that it’s ok to make mistakes. It’s good to own them. It’s good to apologise. It’s fine to see that Dad isn’t perfect, but he tries.
The most most important thing is for them to see that I’m trying my best.
Tomorrow is a new day. A day to try again. A day for more hugs. A day to train.
To fold the washing.
Previously Published on substack
iStock image
