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Self-sabotage is something that we’ve all experienced at some point during our lifetime. Whether it’s been trashing our diet after weeks of staying the course, scuppering our chances of a successful relationship after months of smooth sailing or destroying a stint of sobriety because of the urge to have a spontaneous, hedonistic weekend couldn’t be tamed.
Typically, the two biggest reasons for self-sabotage are low self-worth and lack of control. When these are both scarce, we find ourselves spiraling down a rabbit hole of poor decisions driven by impulse and this leaves us with copious amounts of guilt and dissatisfaction as a byproduct.
Whilst it’s difficult to dissect the ins-and-outs of every self-sabotaging situation, there are 3 key habits that you can adopt that will expedite you from poor behaviors and back onto a path of self-mastery.
1. Learn to say ‘No’
How many times have you been dragged out by friends or persuaded by the waiter to get a side with your meal because you couldn’t say no? Most self-sabotaging behaviors stem from agreeableness. When we are too agreeable, the default response to every request is usually a ‘yes’, especially when it’s an invite from people you care about.
Whilst you might think being agreeable makes you more likable and creates less hassle, it’s actually counter-intuitive in the long-run. People view you as someone who doesn’t have a backbone and this highlights that you can’t lead your own life.
Learn to say no. People will respect you more for it and see you as principled and interesting for doing so. Not only that, it will give you time to ponder whether the behavior you’re about to delve into is going to be self-sabotaging or not.
Saying ‘no’ is a decision-making hack unto itself.
2. Stay on your mission
Life can throw you off course with a blink of an eye, challenging you mentally, physically and emotionally. One thing that is going to help you stay the course is being aligned with your mission at all times. Having a ‘why’, the reason why you are doing something is going to get you through nearly any ‘how’.
Find out what’s important to you. Align yourself with it and make it the foundation of your life every single day. By finding your purpose and prioritizing it over everything else, you become your own source of validation.
Harboring this level of direction is going to allow you to stick to your plan and fulfill your obligations that are directly related to what’s best for you each day. Even when you don’t feel like it, you’ll remind yourself of your mission and if it is profound enough, it will make the correct decision for you.
Feelings are transient, the action is concrete. Become mission-oriented and you’ll find it’s much easier to avoid self-sabotage.
3. Harness your impulses
Every one of us gets impulses in some form every single day. The solution isn’t to prevent ourselves from feeling these urges but to channel them into productive behavior that’s going to give you a positive return.
For instance, if you feel an impulse to let off some steam after a long week at work, utilize this energy to lift some weights in the gym. Working out and lifting something heavy is going to completely transform your state of mind. Not only will you have let off some steam but your body will release endorphins that will make you feel better about yourself.
When you feel good about yourself, you’re casting a vote for someone you hold in high regard and this increases your self-worth. If you build this positive habit consistently over time, you’ll be in a completely different place a few months down the line.
That impulse that was once a vice has now transformed into a virtue and this high moral standard is going to translate into other areas of your life, resulting in you becoming less self-sabotaging in the future.
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Have you read the original anthology that was the catalyst for The Good Men Project? Buy here: The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood
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