Have you conflicted with an avoidant partner, and it seems no matter what you do, you cannot pull them closer and end the distance between you?
It feels like you are battling the emotions you are both experiencing but are in a separate fight to pull them back.
What if I told you there was a cure that would end this dilemma and set the stage to make progress with your partner?
Yes, I know it is frustrating. I can bet my life savings that you have walked away in the past, or if you are currently in this dynamic, you have considered walking away.
Some vow to never date an avoidant and run as fast as possible.
Remember, I only write for people working toward improving their attachment style and working toward a secure attachment. I don’t pander and give excuses to those staying stagnant.
There is a space for you to help your partner grow and gain a deep understanding of their behaviors and how to change them for the relationship’s health.
Before we move forward, there is one word I want you to remember in this process: Patience.
The pushback
When an avoidant shuts down, it feels like they want nothing to do with you, and there is no possible road to a solution.
As selfish as it sounds, it might provide some relief to learn that the moment of shutting down is not about distance from you.
The retreat is a reaction to the shock of engaging in conflict.
Avoidants prioritize harmony at an all-time high. When harmony breaks, their first reaction is to deal with the imbalance.
When your avoidant partner shuts down, they feel that disruption before they begin to think about the issue or central point of conflict.
Do you notice when you want to talk through an issue with your avoidant partner as it is happening, they are at a loss for words or don’t communicate their thoughts?
Well, they haven’t thought about them yet.
Step 1 is to understand that your partner is in a bit of shock. They have such a high value on the peace they perceive in your relationship that it’s nearly inconceivable that it has changed to turmoil.
Your first reaction is to try to mend that gap, but the quicker you pull your partner in, the quicker they will pull away.
Avoidants are searching for peace, and when they feel disturbances, they feel like they are losing the strength of the dynamic.
The pullback
Do you want to know the best method to counteract your partner’s need for space?
You have to give assurance that you notice the need for time to think and set a timetable and expectations for the return.
We try to fix problems because it shows we are fighting for the relationship and care about the other person.
Avoidants need time for self-care or will not show up to the table in the form you want.
When you try to pull the avoidant in, you are going against their ability to process. Avoidants are “slow thinkers” because they have to process emotions.
Again, what they feel is the imbalance, not the core of what the dilemma is. For example, an avoidant does not readily notice they are frustrated because they feel unheard. All they know is they immediately feel disconnected from you.
Instead of pulling your avoidant partner in immediately, a better course of action is to take a step back, acknowledge the imbalance, and set a timetable and subject to talk about when they return.
Step 2- set the stage for both partners’ return by laying out the foundation for where peace was disturbed and setting an expected discussion point when you return from a specified timetable.
Final lap
By now, I bet it feels like you are doing a bit of handholding for your avoidant partner.
I want you to kill that mindset and realize what you accomplished in steps 1 and 2.
You respect your partner’s need for time to process and then work with them to set a reasonable expectation for returning to the subject.
When we pull, your partner feels like you are telling them their needs are more important than theirs, and they have no time to think.
Step 3 is almost laughable because all you need to do is wait.
There is simple logic here. When you pull at an avoidant, they are going to pull away. When you seemingly pull away or allow the space, the avoidant will feel the sense of responsibility to mend the gap.
Avoidants are not overthinkers, but they want to get to the central point of an issue because the imbalance disturbs other areas of their life.
I am not telling you to ghost your partner and kill all communication.
When an avoidant feels pressure and anxiety from their partner, it is the easiest way to get them to stay stagnant in isolation mode.
When they feel like they are the hurdle between peace and harmony, they will reflect and move through their process efficiently.
You can shorten processing time by days or hours by backing off. It feels like you are pandering to your partner’s needs, but the more you do this, the shorter the timetable will become.
You are building trust in the avoidant’s mind when they know in moments of conflict, they won’t be pressured into an immediate solution.
I know it doesn’t feel like you are being served in these moments, but wait until you see the response you get from an avoidant who feels like they are the hurdle between you and happiness.
Your partner wants a loving, trusting relationship. Give them time to meet you in the middle.
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Want to learn about the triggers of dismissive avoidants? Get a free guide here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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