So remember that time when your phone was broken and your significant other wouldn’t / or couldn’t give you the time of day via messenger or email? Or maybe you remember that time when you poured a large jug of ice water over the head of your cheating ex-boyfriend while he was relaxing on your sofa shirtless on a super hot day?
Maybe you remember that time when your partner used your apartment while you were at work to bring other girls over and was shocked when you asked for your key back?
Sometimes it’s difficult to know when it’s time to end the toxicity. If your significant other adds more stress or problems to your life, it’s probably time to rip off that old metaphoric band-aid.
Your partner in life should be the icing on the cake to our day-to-day routines. They should be our confidants, greatest supporters and best friend. But when that icing starts turning into something more like indigestion… we should re-evaluate the relationship.
1st Alarm
You feel like sh*t
You’re used to feeling like sh*t. Your partner can be kind and thoughtful and seemingly the one who knows you better than anyone. Then other times you’re ghosted, they disappear, and you’re left texting them to no avail.
Just ghosted.
You get that familiar knot in your stomach; and you’re thinking to yourself, ‘here we go again’, and the longer they ghost you, the worse you feel.
But then they finally reply! Hallelujah!! How lucky we are… they remembered us after all. They downplay the ghosting, letting you believe it was all in your head. Maybe it was?
No, they ghosted you because they were either pissed off at you or wanted to exert control in the relationship. That knot in your stomach is gone and things are great again… until the next time.
2nd Alarm
Emotional Affair
You want to be their confidant, but it seems their attractive ‘friend’ is the one who sees your partner’s true feelings. You’ve tried discussing this with them, as we all would… but you’re then ignored, (refer to the 1st Alarm). They shut down and won’t discuss this topic with you.
If you feel you’re not the one they confide in, this may be what I call the 2nd Alarm. Friends are important for both parties, but you should be the one who is closest.
There’s a fine line between emotional confiding and emotional intimacy. This can be a slippery slope.
An article in Psychology Today explains the difference between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair.
They explain that a platonic friendship is ‘non-sexually charged’; they simply enjoy this person and want you to get to know them as well. Your partner is willing, in other words, to include you in the friendship.
If your partner doesn’t want you to meet this person, Psychology Today also suggests that maybe they don’t want the other person to know about you. They also explain how an emotional affair is an intimacy with someone else that impedes your intimacy with your partner. Or in other words, they are more emotionally invested in their ‘friend’ than you.
This is a serious warning bell, if you can’t talk to them about it, then maybe consider re-evaluating. Personally, I can’t forgive an emotional affair. And I also don’t think we should ever have to compete.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
3rd Alarm
Sexual Incompatibility
Certified sex therapist Diane Gleim suggests that often times a couple will overuse the term sexual incompatibility and reconsider that term. She claims that ‘sexual differences can be worked on if you’re willing to put forth the effort. I absolutely agree with this, except… if you’re noticing this near the beginning of your relationship then seriously consider if you can live with this ‘difference’ for the long term.
In my experience, these differences only become worse down the road. There is nothing fun or romantic about feeling unfulfilled, lonely, misunderstood or guilty.
As I mention in my article 7 Relationship Red Flags, sexual incompatibility can outgrow a relationship.
Although this may not hold the typical criteria for a toxic relationship, I think differences in the bedroom can lead to toxic feelings and resentment.
4th Alarm
Toxic Communication
Initially the disparaging comments seem like innocent jokes. Teasing you about the way you park the car and always curb the tire, turns into constant reminders of how incompetent you are. Teasing you about having that red-velvet cupcake turn to body shaming.
If you call the toxic communicator out on this, they’ll deny it ‘till the cows come home and make you out to be crazy.
Cognitive and transpersonal therapist; Andrea Mathews, LPC, NCC explains in her article aptly titled; ‘Crazy Making’ that emotional abuse can come in the form of making the recipient believe or appear that they are crazy. They will deliberately upset you and then ‘sit back with a smile on their face’; calling you the unstable one and having you second guessing yourself.
This alarm bell warrants a serious re-evaluation and most likely an exit from the relationship. It is a sign of abuse.
5th Alarm
Shaming
Psych Central discusses shaming in their article on emotional abuse. I remember quite vividly feeling this shame from a past relationship long ago. Of course, I had no idea what was going on, nor did I understand what I felt.
I do know, however, that this is something which can leave a lasting scar on an unsuspecting partner. This alarm bell rings with a tone of humiliation and put-downs for simply being yourself.
For example; reaching out to touch your partner and being criticized for being needy; imperceptible brainwashing to make you feel ashamed of your family or friends; subtle but continual insults on your size or figure are all forms of shaming.
This doesn’t spell trouble down the road… it spells LEAVE. It doesn’t matter what gender, age, or sexual orientation you identify with; this is a bad sign. And from my personal experience, it doesn’t get better.
Physical Abuse
I didn’t mention this as an alarm because this sign of toxicity in a relationship isn’t a warning, it is a sign for help. If your partner starts throwing things across the room, punching the wall next to your head or physically using force against you in anger it is time to leave.
This Help Guide is a good resource to read when wanting to get more info on physical abuse. There are many resources out there to help you.
When you’re hearing alarm bells, then there’s probably a good reason why. Always remember that your life is more important than the negative circumstances you may currently be in. When I was going through this sort of toxic treatment I read and researched, and then I read some more until I found the answers to why I felt the way I did.
I realized back then that a lot of what I felt was a textbook reaction to toxic treatment. Know that you are not alone.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Annie Spratt on Unsplash
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