The 5 Big Relationship Lies Keeping You Stuck

“He’s my soulmate and every single thing I want in a partner. We’re completely inseparable because we’re basically the same person, and we don’t even fight! I’ve never had a second of doubt.” or so gushed a fairly well-known health and wellness influencer on her Instagram stories the other day.

A few years ago, those words would’ve sent me into a tailspin.

My relationship isn’t like that, I would’ve panicked. We’re not inseparable or the same. He isn’t every single little thing I’ve ever wanted. We do argue sometimes. I have had moments of doubt. Does that mean even though I adore my partner and it’s the most compassionate, loving relationship I’ve ever had, I should break up with him?

Nowadays, though, I see declarations like the one above for what they are: fairytales. At best this kind of romanticising makes people in perfectly good relationships feel bad about them; at worst, it could drive them to breakups they later regret.

Fairytales aren’t real. Your one “twin flame” isn’t coming to sweep you off your feet or complete you, and even if they do, chances are they’ll still leave the toilet seat up.

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Lie 1: I should always feel attracted to my partner

If there’s a truth I wish I’d known earlier it’s this: sometimes you’ll feel attracted to your partner, sometimes you won’t.

Certain situations might heighten desire, of course; relationships that only last as long as the honeymoon phase, a partner you don’t see often or even a partner who withholds love or commitment might all increase feelings of being “in love”.

But the truth is, particularly in longterm relationships, both partners will grow, age and change; they’ll look, feel and behave differently over time, and as a consequence, their romantic connection will naturally ebb and flow. As relationship therapist Ester Perel puts it, “Generally, I would say desire is more like the moon. It goes through intermittent phases.”

The important thing is not to feel like your partner is the sexiest person alive 24/7, it’s to remain curious about them; it’s to keep your heart open.

Lie 2: My partner should share all my interests and qualities

Aligned values, for example, kindness, empathy or loyalty, are vital for a relationship to succeed, but values and interests are not the same.

The ego tells us our partner must love everything we love, but that’s just the mind trying to keep us safe and within our comfort zones. Having a partner with different interests can expand your life or change your viewpoint in ways you couldn’t have imagined. And if we choose partners with qualities we admire but don’t currently have, it’s an opportunity to learn from them.

Lie 3: I should never argue with my partner

There’s arguing and then there’s fighting, and they’re not the same thing (more on this topic here). Violently angry or disrespectful fights with a partner could be a warning sign the relationship is unhealthy, but hurt feelings or disagreements are completely natural.

In fact, healthy conflict is often an opportunity to establish boundaries, get our needs met and understand how we can better support our partner’s happiness. If you never argued, how would develop real intimacy and vulnerability within a relationship? How would you know who they really were?

Lie 4: I should never have a single doubt

If you’re committing to someone longterm, it’s normal to reflect on whether the relationship is right for both of you. You might think “Will it be a problem that we come from different backgrounds?”, “What if our differences mean we grow apart” or even “Is it possible for me to love one person for a lifetime?” or have any other concerns without it necessarily meaning anything is wrong.

In particular, doubts are normal for those prone to anxiety or who struggle with always worrying about the future. If you’re one of these people, you should probably expect relationship concerns to crop up from time to time.

Doubts can also be the brain’s way of trying to protect us from something unfamiliar. So if, for example, you’ve only ever had dysfunctional relationships, you might find your mind self-sabotages healthy relationships in an attempt to keep you in your comfort zone.

Lie 5: I should want to be with my partner all the time

Prioritising quality time with your partner is vital, but so is time alone or spent with friends. In fact, feeling suffocated is one of the top 6 reasons cited by therapists for couples breaking up.

Being inseparable can also be a warning sign of codependency. It’s better to want your partner because you love spending time with them than need them because you think you’d shatter into a million glittering pieces if they left.

If you can enjoy time apart from your partner as much as you enjoy being entwined on the sofa, it’s actually likely to benefit your relationship in the long run. As relationship therapist Esther Perel puts it “Eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other.”

Love is a dance between intimacy and mystery, and to create mystery we need lives independent from our romantic relationships. Never let someone shame you into thinking your relationship is sub-par just because you don’t want to live in your partner’s pocket.

. . .

In an amazing relationship, you can expect your SO to be an awesome human but not to be every single thing you’ve ever wanted; you can expect to find them very attractive but not 100% of the time; you can expect them to do their best but not to be infallible.

Question relationship fairytales because those are the stories that might, conversely, be keeping you from love.

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This post was previously published on Hello Love.

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