The American Habit That Consistently Boosts Your Dating Success

Meeting new people: it’s often the most awkward, time-consuming, and exhausting phase of the dating game.

Most people are more comfortable hanging out with people they already know. We feel more relaxed with a partner we’re already in a relationship with than with a stranger.

The social demands of American culture made us adapt in some interesting ways. In the following Youtube video, etiquette expert William Hanson gives an outsider’s perspective (the relevant quote is at the 20:55 minute mark; no need to watch the whole thing):

He says:

“I think there’s a lot that Brits can learn from Americans about general sort of interpersonal skills in particular. I think in America, the default setting, if an American meets a new person, is that we like you until you annoy us. Whereas in Britain our default setting is we’re a little bit suspicious of you until we get to know you and then we warm up…I think it’s probably better to sort of start seeing the positive in people than be a little bit suspicious and wary, which we are in Britain.”

I’ve been exposed to various cultures around the world with a variety of social attitudes. While it may be polite and expected to make small talk in an elevator in many Western cultures, many other cultures would find such behavior downright shocking.

However, no matter what culture you’re from, giving strangers the benefit of the doubt by assuming positive things about them at first probably wouldn’t clash with it.

“We like you until you annoy us.”

As an American, I never really thought of this attitude as anything special, and it does seem to be the cultural norm for us. Sure, there are plenty of self-important emo brats who never matured past their teenage cynicism in the US, but most American strangers you meet will have an air of friendliness that makes you feel like they’ve already accepted you for whatever you are.

Where did this attitude come from?

If I had to guess, it probably has something to do with growing up in a very heterogenous culture where people from all kinds of backgrounds need to coexist. We need to be more tolerant of many different kinds of people in order to survive and thrive, so starting off with positive assumptions and acceptance just makes it all easier. In more homogenous cultures, there’s probably more room for judgment and an expectation of conformity.

How does this cultural norm help in dating?

Ever heard of the phrase, “emotions are contagious?” This is due to the mirror neurons in our brains. We are neurologically hardwired to feel what other people around us feel. It’s the entire reason why empathy is a thing.

If you approach a random woman in a bar while feeling nervous as all hell, the likelihood of her also feeling nervous shoots up like the price of Bitcoin I never had. If you’re relaxed, though, she’s far more likely to also feel relaxed.

The same goes with your own general attitudes and expectations. If you are projecting a feeling of warmth that can only come from genuinely giving someone the benefit of the doubt, assuming they’re cool, and liking them by default without any desperation, the other person will be far more likely to like you back almost immediately. That’s just how mirror neurons work.

Counterpoint! What about “simps” and “breaking rapport?”

You may have heard that “nice guys” who are friendly all the time “finish last,” that women aren’t attracted to men who are too agreeable. You may have heard that you need to “break rapport” when flirting, blatantly disagreeing with her or even “negging” her to prove that you’re not one of the thousands of simps who would bend over backwards to become her doormat.

What if the default British way of being suspicious adds a layer of cool hard-to-get je ne sais quoi?

Let go of that Chūnibyō sense of romance. Being standoffish doesn’t make you look cool or more attractive in the adult world. In most cases, it just makes you look like:

you have a stick up your butt,
or you’re full of yourself,
or you’re anxious,
or you’re unpleasant to be around.

It’s true that you shouldn’t be nice out of desperation or from putting a woman up on a pedestal. It’s true that you shouldn’t see kindness as transactional a la the classic “nice guy” mentality of earning women’s affection with performative good-boy behavior. And it’s also true that many forms of breaking rapport can be extremely effective in flirting.

This concept may seem counterintuitive because having more rapport usually leads to a closeness that will make it more likely for romantic and sexual things to happen. However, think about how you actually interact with your closest friends, and compare that with how you behave around people you’re trying to impress.

If you’re hanging out and having a good time chatting with a close friend, you will be relaxed and allow yourself to joke around. If your friend states an opinion that you disagree with, you will freely disagree with them, and perhaps even make a joke about how their opinion sucks. This isn’t something you would ever think to do with someone you’re trying to impress or suck up to.

When you disagree with and tease your friend like this, you’re not dehumanizing them or being hurtfully condescending. You’re just freely expressing your own different stance. Think of the women you’re attracted to in this friendly way, rather than as people you need to impress, and you’ll naturally do this whole “breaking rapport” thing the right way. It will even make you more attractive to them because it will separate you from the usual type of guy who is always putting her up on a pedestal.

— Excerpt from Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide on How to Attract and Be Loved by Women

However, it is still important to have this supposedly American custom of default acceptance as a base attitude.

Add a dash of suspicion to taste.

If the base of your recipe is that “We like you until you annoy us” ingredient, go ahead and add a sprinkle of suspicion.

Specifically, sprinkle it into your own sense of attraction toward her.

Most men see that a woman is physically attractive, feel physical attraction, and decide that that’s enough to be completely attracted to her from the get-go.

Don’t do that.

Be socially friendly like an American, but don’t go all in when it comes to being sexually attracted.

Don’t stand out by being unfriendly; stand out by having reservations about your attraction until you get a sense of how attractive her personality is.

That’s what women usually do, and it’s how you can get on the same page as them more often than not.