Ella suffers from social anxiety and says she opted for a secret wedding because she couldn’t stand before many people.
Being the only daughter, her mother had always wanted a big wedding.
For years she had talked about inviting her friends and the type of cake and décor she would organize.
Yet she seemed more interested in putting on a show than considering what was comfortable for her daughter.
Ella is so happy to have settled for a secret wedding because she only got to invite her two best friends.
This was great for her as she only had to stand up in front of five people, not the seventy that her mom had envisioned.
Like Ella, more couples are going for secret weddings.
And no. It’s got little to do with saving money. There are many more significant reasons for choosing this route.
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Firstly, weddings come with a whole lot of pressure related to friends and family.
A lot of time, a wedding isn’t just about the couple, it’s about their relatives and friends. And yet often, these are folks you don’t even speak to as much.
This presents a challenge loaded with a boatload of pressure: who to invite and who to leave out.
People pleasers know exactly what I’m talking about.
From the moment you announce your intention to wed, the questions and unsolicited advice begin,
“Did you get a florist/photographer? I know a really good one just around the corner from my house.
Have you decided on the theme?”
These people usually try to help, but suddenly, the event ceases to be your affair only. With all these people in your ear, you start drifting towards their ideas of your wedding.
Anyone who says it’s easy to turn down the advice of family members is lying.
I’ve seen relatives take over wedding plans to the extent that a couple ends up having a wedding that isn’t what they wanted in the first place.
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With a typical wedding, you need to think about sitting arrangements.
You have to consider family members and friends with complicated relationships.
During my friend’s wedding, two of her aunties resurrected a decade-old grievance. The last thing anyone needs on their wedding day.
Things got so heated and embarrassing that, many years later, she wishes she hadn’t invited them because it tainted the relationship with their in-laws.
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Food is a significant aspect of a wedding.
In fact, we can almost say it’s the next highlight after the vows.
If there’s one thing I learned from my first wedding, it’s that people will forget everything else but the food.
And they’ll talk about it for a long time.
But catering to the dietary requirements of many people is a daunting task.
You need to think about those with food allergies because the last thing you want is to have to call the medics on your special day.
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Then you’ve got the bridesmaids.
You need to consider their outfits: the colors, style, and whatnot.
But do you know the worst thing about bridesmaids?
There’s always one who is unhappy and wants to change this or that. Or, she wears whatever you tell her but complains about it forever.
The point is, managing people is even hard work. And that’s why secret weddings win.
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A lot of people won’t say it to your face, but inviting them to your wedding creates low-key anxiety.
Here’s why:
- They don’t want to utilize their leave days on your event.
- On top of paying for traveling to your wedding, they have to get you a gift.
- Even if they wanted to, it’s not easy to get time off work.
- They have to think about their own outfits and accommodation.
- They have to consider where to leave their pets or where to get a babysitter for their kids.
- They have to consider all the extra costs affiliated with attending the wedding.
It’s a lot.
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Photo by micheile dot com on Unsplash
Secret weddings are the way out for couples who just want a relaxed wedding day.
When I wedded the first time, I had 250 guests, give or take.
(Weddings in Africa are attended by the entire clan, friends, neighbors, and their dogs.)
For weeks, I held meetings with my bridal team to discuss the catering services, flower arrangements, and venue logistics.
As the wedding day drew closer, my anxiety also shot notches high.
To date, I recall the feeling I had when the sun went to sleep, and I realized all that was over—just like that.
The much anticipated day had come and gone.
As the crowd dispersed, I realized there had been no need for all those pangs of anxiety I had allowed to seize me.
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When I did it again fifteen years later, I stood on the shores of wisdom.
I had no bridesmaids. We were six in total, including the celebrant.
It was a delightful and relaxing day. There was no pressure — nothing about wedding cards, bridal team, or which relatives to invite or leave out.
We had an intimate lunch after that, and I wasn’t bone tired in the evening as I had been after my first wedding day.
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Photo by Ben Rosett on Unsplash
Ask any bride, and they’ll affirm that the ability to relax on your wedding day is the cherry on top.
Secret and intimate weddings make it easy for the couple because there are little or no jitters.
Not everyone relishes — or is comfortable — being in the spotlight.
Like Ella, most people just want to get married. They don’t want evening parties. They don’t care for the theatrics.
Most importantly, they don’t want to be told what to wear.
Because in as much as no one can tell you what to wear on your wedding day, deep down, you know they’ll be watching.
Does your outfit flatter your body?
What shoes are you wearing?
Does the groom’s tie match the theme of the wedding?
People care about these things.
At a secret wedding, you can be barefoot if that’s what you want. You can be as comfortable as the weather permits, which is how it should be.
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Secret weddings also mean that you get to spend your money to maximize your experience.
You can have a lavish honeymoon because your expenses are tailored to your needs only.
The bottom line is that it’s not so much that people want to save money on weddings.
They’ve learned there’s a way of making the entire experience stress-free.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jen Theodore on Unsplash