I came from a broken-home family where my mother had to go through 3 marriages to understand finally what makes her truly happy.
Turns out her happiness has less to do with a man and more with her relationship with herself.
We ask healthy and successful couples how to keep the “sparks” alive. However, the best advice in life comes from those who went through hell and managed to survive.
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The best relationship always happens when you have the least expectations
My aunt just got her second divorce. She told me how her expectations of the marriage were the one thing that ruined it.
To say that she regretted it is such understatement. It happened, and she learned a lesson. If you want a relationship to work for the long term, you need to accept more and expect less.
You should do a self-check-in once in a while to see if your expectations are realistic or not. Let’s be honest, most times they aren’t.
Let’s talk about the money part of a relationship as an example.
Most women, especially in my hometown, prefer men who can provide for them. They have high expectations of how much money the man can bring home.
Of course, this isn’t so clear when they just got married.
However, once the honeymoon phase fades away, it starts to take a toll on the relationship because “apparently”, the man can’t fulfill her expectations.
So before committing to a relationship, you should get clear on what you want in a partner and be realistic about it.
Don’t be with someone when you feel lost in life
This one piece of advice came from my mother.
She was in her late 30s when she married another man from our hometown. Although it didn’t last long, she still gained one of the best life lessons from that marriage.
She felt lost when the man proposed. She wasn’t even at peace with her past marriage, where my biological father was pretty much abusive.
She said she should’ve taken more time to heal those wounds instead of jumping into another relationship.
I’m sure many can relate to this. We might think being in a relationship can get us to a better place. Maybe it’ll give us a new purpose, but many divorced people have proved it wrong.
When you’re lost and don’t know who you are, it’s necessary to work on it — at least until you feel somehow secure.
Those quotes which say, “you have to love yourself first before someone else” sound cringy. I agree with you.
Still, it’s true on so many levels. You won’t know what to give for your relationship if you don’t even know your worth.
A relationship is more than just saying “I love you” to each other
I’ve mentioned it all the time: a relationship won’t work if you start it for the wrong reasons.
What are those?
- To think that being in one will magically level up your life
- To be in one just because you’re lonely or bored
- To be in one because you try to avoid your responsibilities
If you have those intentions in the beginning, it’s guaranteed your relationship won’t last long.
That is what happens to most divorced people too. They knew they weren’t ready but pulled the trigger anyway.
I also noticed this in my current long-term relationship. Our honeymoon phase has faded away, and we needed more than just “I love you” to keep it going.
There are money problems, work problems, and many other practical problems that can’t be solved with those three words.
So remind yourself to be with someone compatible with you in terms of practicality. We need more than great chemistry to build a long-term relationship.
It’s always about a give and take, so know your limit
Many people who walked away from their marriage/serious relationships will agree about this. Keep giving without your partner reciprocating will leave you empty over time.
It kills your love for them. It makes you sick to your stomach because you start seeing how selfish the other person is.
That’s why I hear a lot from my aunt that you need to know your limit and how much you can give in a relationship. Eventually, there’ll be a time when life tests you on that.
When you feel like the effort is imbalanced, the best way to deal with it is by having an honest and open conversation with your partner.
Too many people assume their partner won’t understand them, so they decide not to share how they feel. Your partner might not know that you expect more from them, who knows?
However, not letting it out will result in you having resentment over the years. Sooner than later, you’ll reach that point where things aren’t repairable anymore.
So communicate your feelings to your partner regularly but also know your limit so you won’t have a hard time walking away.
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In a recap, here are the things that I learned about relationships from divorced people:
- Too many unrealistic expectations can kill your relationship.
- When you feel lost in life, avoid being in a relationship.
- Love will never be enough to keep it going.
- Know your limit so you won’t have time to walk away from a wrong relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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