The Boombox Guy Taught Us a Secret to Peace in Relationships

MAUDE: Phil and I were sharing our reactions to an event in the neighborhood that we have both experienced. We wound up discussing differences and how we handle and react to them. It seems both of us have developed ways to move past potential reactions of pushing them away, toward acceptance through a method of broadening our view.

Step into the scene with me. There is a man who rides through the neighborhood, sometimes down our block, on a skateboard, balancing a huge old time Boom Box on his shoulder. On this, he is blasting music; music with a strong bass. It is always startling at first. It is different. It shatters the picture. It changes things entirely, no matter how briefly. It leaves behind a trail of the sound and the man as he flies through the scenery on his way to someplace else.

The first time I encountered this happening, I felt resentful, disturbed, it was too different, not appropriate! I thought to myself, “Well, he is very self-absorbed. He doesn’t think of anyone except himself.” I rejected this different man and his different behavior.

That initial reaction, and it was a reaction, not a considered response, was one that is ingrained within us; it was a threat assessment. That is a natural and important survival instinct that serves us well when difference means danger.

I’m not interested in remaining in a possible threat reaction when I’m presented with something different. So, I moved to my next step: stop, take a pause, look at this more openly. This is just something different, another way to move through the world. Isn’t it great that we have such a diverse and creative population around here?

And now I’m really thinking about this guy, and what he might be thinking, and how he might be seeing what he is doing. Okay, I can even stretch it out much further and say that he thinks he is bringing some fun, or even joy, into our world by adding some music. Phil and I had a wonderful conversation after realizing we had each seen the same person and gone through similar reactions to him. For us, it exemplifies how we can come to break out of our instinctual reactions to something unfamiliar by taking a broader and more inclusive viewpoint.

We are looking for connection, and not for sameness. We want to respond to our kinship with others, not to our separation from them. Sometimes, it takes a bit of training and consciously choosing a path of acceptance, rather than just going with the fear produced if the threat assessment deems all that is other as bad. When spreading peace within relationships, we do well to look at methods for embracing otherness, rather than trying to fit them into a predetermined mold.

PHIL: There is a guy in town who rides around on an electric mono skateboard with a big wheel, carrying a big boombox playing loudly. When I initially saw him, my first thought was it was very antisocial, and then how ostentatious it was. I experienced it as a disturbance of the peace. But then I caught my annoyance and looked at why it was affecting me, and saw that it was just a difference that didn’t really impact me at all. In fact, he was adding variety to the neighborhood.

What is socially acceptable depends on the local culture. Consider a quiet suburb of 19th-century houses in New England, a street in Rome full of garrulous Italians, downtown New Orleans. In some places, a quiet bookworm would be seen as standoffish and antisocial; in others, the boombox guy would risk arrest for breach of the peace.

I’ve always been comfortable living in funky neighborhoods. Pristine suburbs give me a suffocating conformist feel, but this is not true for everybody. People get satisfaction from orderliness. Keeping the spices and CDs in order is useful and gives a sense of control. This is an essential part of human nature because life is an order-creating phenomenon that uses the power of the sun to maintain its structure. But too much order is not conducive to growth and creativity; it is stultifying. This balance between order and chaos varies for different people. Openness to experience is one of the Big Five personality traits.

So the interesting questions are why I was initially annoyed, and what happened to change my mind. I hold that our emotions are of two sorts: love and fear. Their role is to help us survive in the world by attracting us to what is nourishing and avoiding what is unhealthy. Our initial reaction to something new and different is caution, but on assessment, we may see it as not a risk. This is what happened to me with boombox boy.

So what does all this have to do with relationships? Whether casual or personal, there are always differences and similarities. A relationship is held together by the similarities you recognize, whether it’s a love of coffee or the pain of loss. So generally (but not always!), take those differences not as a threat, but just as signs that we are all unique.

Here are some earlier posts that cover the same subject from different angles.

A Different Approach to Differences in Relationships “When there is a gaping difference between how I would respond and how Phil does, it stops me at first. There is that moment where I go, “What’s happening here? Something foreign is occurring.” With Phil, this short stop lasts a relatively brief time. I don’t have that initial response to push it away because it’s different, or to defend against it, or change it. I relax and look at the response with interest, examining if I might try it that way, or at the least, I see that it’s Phil’s way and has nothing to do with me. Occasionally, when something is so different that it keeps nudging at me or even unsettling me, I tell Phil about my feelings, making sure it is clear I am talking about how I feel, and it is not about him. Often just telling him, while he listens calmly and with love, changes that feeling. We both listen, looking for that thread, for that opportunity of understanding. We talk back and forth until we get to a mutual place of peace and balance with the difference. Never, even when dealing with an originally charged reaction, do either of us ever question our connection, or the we of us. These kinds of things don’t even touch on that.”

Why Differences Don’t Need to Create Problems in Your Relationships
“MAUDE: All of those things that you brought up are about making comparisons. You used words like “far more,” “handle it better,” and “failings.” You didn’t say anything negative. You said something you know very well, which got you to ultimately look on the sunny side. We are different because I don’t work through comparison, but you used those comparisons to get to the same place I would go to. You know what I’m saying? We are different, but the thing is, we wind up getting to the same place regardless of how we go there.
PHIL: That’s an inspiring and humbling observation, and something I hadn’t noticed until you brought it more into the open. But our relationship doesn’t hinge on that kind of comparison.
MAUDE: If it’s not measuring and evaluating, if it’s merely seeing, that’s so different, and I really love that.
PHIL: Right, it’s an apples and oranges thing.
MAUDE: And then you have a bunch of fruit instead of just one piece of fruit.”

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “In last week’s post, we wrote that having peaceful relationships is a choice. So, let’s say you have made that choice. What now?One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness. Start with relationships that are, or that you want to be, deep and close: friendships, partners, relatives. It is easier to accept these differences in those we feel close to. As you develop the experiences with them, you can move out toward those with whom you have less and less similarity.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.