And yes, that includes misandry.
Originally posted on just-smith.tumblr.com
When I was a little boy, I can remember as thinking of myself as different from the other little boys. I didn’t like being around them. I didn’t want to play pirates, I wanted to go and do arts and crafts with the little girls. The more I hung about shyly around the little girls, the more I wanted to be like them. They were everything that I wanted to be. I felt like I was a little girl. When the other boys wanted to grow up to be firemen or astronauts, I wanted to grow up to be a woman.
At the time, I didn’t know that I had a choice. I’ve only just found out that I do, and, happily, I’m comfortable with being a man now. But had I had the choice at the time, I’m fairly sure that my child mind knew what it wanted.
Now, I wasn’t allowed near the (other?) little girls. The carers looking after us always shepherded me back to be with the little boys, where I stood about awkwardly. I never felt like I belonged. One of my earliest memories is of sitting in a corner at my nursery, aged 5 or under, bitterly crying at the constant bullying. That became the story of my childhood. I would follow groups of girls around, waiting patiently for them to involve me, until I got chased away for being creepy. I tried to be like them, but if I went near them they ran away or had to go and wash their hands. After all, I was a boy. Why shouldn’t they act like that? We had been taught that girls were made of “sugar and spice and everything nice,” that they were neat and quiet and behaved. Boys, on the other hand, were made of “slugs and snails and puppy dog’s tails,” and we were dirty, loud, messy and violent creatures. Don’t pretend you didn’t grow up knowing that as well, because it was these stereotypes that have defined my life (no 10-year-old should spend months contemplating suicide after never having made a single friend in their childhood, being excluded and derided by both groups, simply because of enforced gender segregation). No other boy went near the girls, and no girl went near the boys. Later on, a few tom-boys emerged, but feminism had become a part of our society, and we were also taught that women could act like a man if they chose to. We were never taught that men could act like women, because that wasn’t relevant to the feminist cause.
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So yeah, all of my teachers and carers from age 3 to age 11 were women. They helped us believe that men were nasty strangers that we should be careful of, whilst women were caring. They enforced the stereotypes about nice little girls and naughty little boys. They wanted to believe these stereotypes. I was told to stay away from the girls because I was obviously making them uncomfortable, when they literally referred to be as a disease, and told to run along and play with other messy, dirty boys. I saw boys punished because a girl tripped over and the women in charge saw her crying with a boy nearby and put two and two together. I could go on.
But at the end of the day, this isn’t about transphobia, just as hostility to me being feminine wasn’t homophobia. It was sexism. It was because I was a disgusting boy child, and I couldn’t be allowed to taint the perfect girl children. It was because boys and girls are intrinsically different, and that they need to be kept apart. This is the gender binary. This is the gender binary, which tells men that they can’t be like women and women that they can’ t be like men. It’s this binary which cause misogyny and misandry, and heterosexism and cissexism are applications of this. You can’t therefore be supportive of gay men or trans people without realising that the binary targets them as men. It isn’t some separate mechanism. They suffer because they are men and they aren’t doing what men are supposed to do, just as women are punished for not doing what women are supposed to do. If you deny misandry exists, you can’t help these people, because you refuse to understand the stereotypes underlying their oppression. Every man is hurt by these stereotypes and restrictions, it is just that the men who challenge them the most suffer the most. Men who literally try to become women are punished, men who try to have the sexual preferences women should have are punished, but men who merely act like women are punished for the same reasons.
The bullying I have had continues into adult life. Men are still blamed for crimes they didn’t commit, still disproportionately charged more frequently and severely than women are. Men are still seen as crude, dirty, and violent, whilst women are seen as calm and neat. Yes, this binary disadvantages women in some ways, but it also advantages them in some ways. Yes, this binary advantages men in some ways, but it also disadvantages them in some ways. In the courtroom it helps to be seen as weak; in the workplace it helps to be seen as strong. Every stereotype has advantages and disadvantages, and we can’t just pick and choose which we want to exist. From an early age, we are told that men are like this and do these things, and women are like this and do these things. We all need to go back to these basics. This is the patriarchal binary, and this is the root of all gender based evil. It clearly restricts men equally and oppositely to how it restricts women, and it is counter-productive to deny the existence of one half of the suffering or one half of the privilege simply because it sounds nice to you, or for ideological purposes. You can’t just erase people like that. This binary causes misandry as well as misogyny, and that is clear for anyone with an open mind to see (I have demonstrated it more fully elsewhere, if you still need convincing). But, as heterosexism and cissexism also come from this binary, if you deny misandry you don’t just perpetuate sexism against men, but you make it impossible to properly address the problems of men affected by non-hetero or non-cis men when these problems are rooted in this misandry. If you deny misandry because it is an inconvenient truth to you, you are no ally to these people, and you are in fact implicitly misandric yourself.
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You refuse to see men as victims, because the patriarchal stereotypes (men are strong, they can’t be hurt, they just need to man up and take it) and dogma (conveniently written entirely by women, and therefore only noticing the suffering which affects women) tell you that this is not what men are like. If you really want to believe that, then stop pretending that you can help any male sufferers from the patriarchy at all, because you are their worst enemy.
—Photo oter/Flickr
Wow. And I thought womyn-born womyn were bad.
At least misogyny actually exists. But you cismen with your privilege still can’t get the fact that some people were born into the wrong bodies. Are you so stupid that you think that all cismen weren’t women once, too? Hey, dummy, until your body gets enough androgen in the womb your sex is FEMALE. You are trans* too by your hideous logic, don’t deny it.
who are you directing this at?
“Men are still seen as crude, dirty, and violent, whilst women are seen as calm and neat.” They are? huh. I guess I live in some weird utopia, where anyone can be any of those things and no one thinks twice about it. I was a major tomboy from the word go and I played with the boys all through elementary school without much hassle, so I guess I did have it good. When the boys actively prevented the girls from playing with them, they let me stay because they didn’t consider me to be a girl. I can assure… Read more »
“They are? huh. I guess I live in some weird utopia, where anyone can be any of those things and no one thinks twice about it. ” Cool you are unaware of your own female privilege. “I do not believe this is true. To prevail in court one must usually be quite strong and stand up for oneself. ” Women receive lessor sentences for the same crime. You may not believe women benefit by playing weak in the court room. But there is evidence that it does. It just may not be beneficial in all circumstances or in all court… Read more »
They are? huh. I guess I live in some weird utopia, where anyone can be any of those things and no one thinks twice about it. No it just means that you and Smith lived two different, but equally valid, experiences. I do not believe this is true. To prevail in court one must usually be quite strong and stand up for oneself. You don’t get a judgment because the judge feels sorry for you, you get a judgment because you make a good case or your opponent made a bad case. The times I’ve been in court I’ve had… Read more »
Your insensitivity says nothing about the author’s experience; only about your inability to see the world around you from any but your own vantage point.
Sorry for your sad childhood. The more stories like this I hear, the more I wonder why the environment I grew up in was so un-terrible and unmiserable. Maybe NYC is the only unterrible/unmiserable place in which to grow. My experiences were very different. From birth to about 10 years old, my next door neighbor and very good friend was a girl. I don’t recall any pressure to or not to be friends and play together. We did or didn’t because wanted or didn’t want to. I played with her and other boys and girls in the neighborhood. It depended… Read more »
Correction: Maybe NYC is the only unterrible/unmiserable place in which to grow UP.
Here’s a thought experiment. Let’s say there is a law that allows anyone to assign their own gender (for legal purposes). No restrictions just slap what you want down there. Would there be less resistance to this law if it only allowed women to change their sex to “male”? I think so. I think put like that the law seems woman liberating or something. “You go girl” stuff. Equality for women! But as soon as you say, OK what about men get to say they are women? Someone will answer “Eeeeuuch – and let a bunch of dirty perverts into… Read more »
I wonder if it is tougher to be mtf or ftm. My distinct impression is that ftm is a lot easier, however it is hard to get much data. The idea that maleness is somehow defined negatively as men having to prove themselves and etc, while popular, would seem to predict the reverse here. If men are the 1st class sex, the class set apart, then it ought to be the hardest thing for a “woman” to cheat the system and become a man. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. Instead it is when a “man” tries to… Read more »
I wonder if it is tougher to be mtf or ftm. My distinct impression is that ftm is a lot easier, however it is hard to get much data. My transman (ftm) friend would agree with you, and it is also my impression as a crossdresser (and one who goes out in public wearing women’s clothing too) reading the experiences of trans women (mtf) on forums. While male crossdressers and trans women are completely different. We tend to congregate on the same forums due to the fact that we wear “women’s” clothing. It is not easy at all for transwomen,… Read more »
Honestly? I would have guessed guys. Generally it is people of the same sex who police gender roles. Women call each other slut for example (although for some unfathomable reason feminists say that’s men’s fault — as far as I can see guys love sluts; I know I do). So I would have guessed other men would police gender restrictive clothing for men. I wonder why that general rule doesn’t hold?
How often do you get beaten up for wearing women’s clothes?
How often do you get beaten up for wearing women’s clothes?
lolol, go and find out
“A girl trying to play with the boys is a “tom boy” but is not excluded. Try to exclude them and you’re looking at a lawsuit for discrimination. You go girl! You knock down those walls of alleged privilege.” So you think women are not excluded from professional sports? When was the last time you saw a highly paid female professional athlete? Have you not noticed that payouts for women’s sports are paltry compared to the kingly sums the men make? In many cases women are simply not permitted to compete. I don’t see discrimination lawsuits flying around despite the… Read more »
“When was the last time you saw a highly paid female professional athlete?”
Venus and Serena.
Thank you for this article, including the parts that rubbed me the wrong way! I am increasingly interested in the gender experience of growing up male under sexism. I have often wondered “What is it like to be trained to “benefit” from a system that requires a man to maim his own humanity?” ( I wonder this about white supremacy , too.) I am grateful for feminist women’s analyses about how sexism targets women through compulsory femininity; I am equally grateful for Just Smith’s clear expression of exactly how sexism requires bullying and shaming boys into performing compulsory masculinity.: Something… Read more »
Sorry, that last paragraph should say “To ask someone to “please speak accurately, calmly and politely” while they demand that you stop maiming them with (insert oppression here) is ridiculous.”
“To ask someone to “please speak accurately, calmly and politely” while they demand that you stop maiming them with is ridiculous. I’m a grown-up who can manage her own feelings and stay open to learning. As an old-school, hard-core feminist , I learned that those are capacities required of a strong and smart ally.”
Good god! The voice of openness and reason in a gender debate! Quick, trap it! It must be preserved for future generations!
Just kidding, well said. 😉
It is hard to have sympathy for the enemy.
Something in Smith’s description got through to me in a way that similar accounts by cisgendered men have not. I chafed at the way it holds women accountable for perpetuating the system of sexism under which they are oppressed, but it was the discomfort of recognizing a behavior in myself that, upon reflection, I feel ashamed of and want to change. Because as a cisgendered man simply put when it comes to descriptions of sexism there’s quite the school of thought on feminism that quite literally says that there is no such thing as sexism against men. And I think… Read more »
Thanks for sharing this Smith.
I appreciated this piece on binary and it’s limits, and it’s problems. Thanks for that. I have mentioned before and I’ll mention again, I prefer Kyriarchy for it’s encompassing view of intersections of oppression, but that’s just me. It tends to be a construct that is less blaming of one gender over another (or race or class) and looks at how systems intersect.
Hear hear
Well said 🙂
Just two bits I disagree with:
1. Patriarchy: That word is so heavily rooted in the concept of men being powerful oppressers and women being vulnerable victims that it should probably be done away with. Assuming you acknowlege male oppression and female privilege anyway (which you seem to).
2. The last paragraph was a bit confrontational, I’ve a feeling that if any hardcore feminist read it it would just end up making them defensive. The rest of the article was perfect for opening things up.
All in all, very good work 😀
Huh. Just noticed that missing off the personal pronoun changed the meaning of that first sentence.
I meant to say,
“I read this piece at the original site.”
Read this piece at the original site. I see Lisa managed to “get” you. At the time, I didn’t know that I had a choice. I’ve only just found out that I do, and, happily, I’m comfortable with being a man now. Can you explain what you mean? It sounds like you don’t mean that you were transgendered. It sounds like you mean that you wanted to be a woman in just the way you might want to be a fireman. But then I don’t understand how you mean, “I’ve only just found out that I do” because you don’t.… Read more »
Not completely sure if this is what hes talking about, but an increasing number of people with GID are dealing with their condition by learning to be happy in the skin their in than trying to change it. This isn’t any more or less credible than opting for SRS, its just a personal choice they’ve made. I suspect that if we lived in a less gendered world GID would be less of an issue.
I didn’t get what was meant either. Oh and surgery isn’t all that. Surgery is the subtle part, the icing on the cake, for some. For people like me, barring the legal thing (which is annoying, that it cannot be changed without surgery), surgery is an ‘extra’, potentially harmful (infections), and not on par with being reborn with those bits. To me transition was the social and hormonal part. More on the hormonal part given I don’t do much social (but I do ‘present’ as female in real life…a tomboy to some, a girly girl to others, I’m toeing that… Read more »