The 'Codependency Myth' Explained

Try doing a quick online search around the word “codependency”.

You’ll find that the majority of articles define codependency like it’s a serious pathology, a major handicap in relationships, and a weakness to be ashamed of.

Trust me, I know — I’ve read most of them.

In my experience, no matter how helpful and clinically sound they may be, they also enforce feelings of shame around this “condition”.

Do you identify as codependent?

Codependent patterns in relationships include: feeling responsible for others’ feelings; low self-esteem; seeking validation; fear of abandonment; low self-worth, and falling in love with “projects” that you can fix.

When it comes to romantic relationships, you may identify as the type of partner that loves too deeply. You lose yourself in relationships and always put your partner’s needs first.

Now, I don’t deny that these patterns can be problematic in maintaining healthy connections.

Quite the contrary. Healing these wounds is important, so you can stop the unconscious cycle of being attracted to dysfunctional and unbalanced relationships.

But codependency may not the best terminology to use.

Why?

Because in truth, all relationships are to an extent codependent.

The “Codependency Myth” Explained

There is the prevailing notion among adults that too much dependence on relationships is a bad thing.

As Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, attachment theories and relationships experts wrote in their best-selling book Attached, today’s relationship experts believe that happiness should come solely from within and should not be dependent on a lover or mate. Each partner should be responsible for their own well-being.

In essence, the ideal relationship is between two self-sufficient people who unite in a mature way while maintaining clear boundaries.

For example:

“If a partner acts in a way that undermines your sense of security, you should be able to distance yourself from the situation emotionally, “keep the focus on yourself”, and stay on even keen.

If you can’t do that, there might be something wrong with you. You might be too enmeshed with the other person, or “codependent”, and you must learn to set better “boundaries.” — Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

But in practical terms, this approach is not part of our biological make-up.

They explain:

“Numerous studies show that once we become attached to someone, the two of us form one physiological unit. Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities.” — Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

If you and your intimate partner are regulating each other’s psychological and emotional well-being, then complete interdependence in relationships is a myth.

Dependency is not a bad word

So, how can we expect to maintain a high level of differentiation with our partner, when our basic biology is influenced to such an extent?

Well…we can’t.

Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does, regardless of how independent we are, and despite our conscious wills.

We are all inherently programmed to connect to someone.

We are all biologically dependent on our partners.

So, what can we do about that?

As Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller say, codependency is not a bad word.

Their advice is:

“If you wante to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person. — Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Codependent is a misused word.

This knowledge changes things for us “codependents”.

Why I stopped labeling myself as codependent

Firstly, it pathologizes supportive behavior in relationships — which reinforces the “codependent myth”

The way “codependent” is used seems to pathologize helping behaviors and good attributes in relationships.

In a patriarchal society where emotions are labeled as weak and people in dating are advised to play games and not appear “too keen”, this can be troubling.

It further reinforces the idea that we must give ourselves everything we need and if you’re not fully satisfied on your own, then you must be “codependent”.

As it turns out, aspiring to a healthy, dependent partnership is not wrong — it’s a more realistic approach than being fully interdependent.

What’s wrong is settling and staying with a partner who doesn’t support you because you deem yourself “codependent”.

Take my example from a previous relationship.

As an anxiously attached person, I often requested more closeness and emotional support from my partner in times of stress and vulnerability — and he wanted the total opposite.

In response, he would encourage me to “work on myself”, and be less “needy”. He expected us to be two fully independent entities who take care of their own needs. He would only want us to meet when we are fully “balanced” in order to avoid any arguments.

At the time, I agreed with him. I reasoned: “He is right. I am a codependent person and need to work on myself”.

In hindsight, it’s bullshit.

He was emotionally shut down and had commitment issues. But he got away with it, as he played on my “codependent” shame.

I stayed in an unbalanced and unsupportive relationship anyway, precisely because I believed in the “codependency myth” instead of believing in myself.

Moving forward, I’d rather not reinforce this myth.

There is nothing wrong with having an anxious attachment style. Your needs are valid and the right person will not make you feel like they are extraordinary.

Codependent is not the right terminology

As we’ve discovered, we are all technically codependent.

I consider myself a linguist and I am fastidious about using the correct terminology.

So I’d rather replace the word “codependent” with descriptions of how these patterns manifest in my behavior. It’s more accurate.

For example, instead of saying “I’m codependent”, I’d reframe it as: “I have a pattern of “self-abandonment” and sometimes ignore my own feelings, in order to avoid conflict with someone else.”

It’s disempowering and keeps you looping in the past

Are you working on yourself?

Are you in the process of healing?

Own it. Script your new reality.

If you want to rewire your brain and set new neural pathways, it’s advisable to speak in the present tense and shift the narrative, rather than reinforcing a dated concept of yourself.

Reframe your statements.

Counteracting a negative statement with a positive, opposing statement. Validate and accept yourself in the process.

Instead of saying “I am codependent” try replacing it with:

“I have an anxious attachment style and there is nothing wrong with that. We are all wired differently. I am learning to self-soothe in times of stress.”
“I am a diplomatic person, so I am prone to people-pleasing and take someone else’s word over mine. I make sure to listen to my instincts and learn to trust myself more.”
“I sometimes fall into self-betrayal because I put other’s needs first. I am reparenting myself to ensure that all my needs are met first.”
“I have boundary issues, so I am working on enforcing and maintaining stronger boundaries. I practice speaking up more when they are crossed.”

Obviously, it’s essential to match these statements with the corresponding actions. But language plays a big part.

For the brain to form a new pattern, repetition is key.

To conclude:

You shouldn’t hold shame around being codependent in relationships.

I wish most articles online would stop perpetuating that narrative.

We are all in fact, biologically codependent on our partners.

You shouldn’t be trying to break free from codependency like it’s a curse — rather, you should be focusing on overwriting those looping, limiting beliefs, and self-sabotaging patterns.

Challenge anyone that makes you feel like your needs are not valid because you think you are too “codependent”. Chances are, this person is not a good match for you.

Direct your energy on building a healthier, more empowered, and securely attached relationship with yourself.

Make emotional intimacy with yourself a priority — so that you can spot and weed out potential emotionally unavailable partners, and find someone to be happily “codependent” with instead.

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Previously published on medium

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