It was only a few days after I got off the plane.
He’d rejected me again, of course, but he really didn’t. He told me we were meant to be together, that he had butterflies when he saw me, that if there wasn’t distance between us — ya know — we’d be together.
The night went late with texts. I watched a movie as he started testing the waters of our hypothetical relationship. What we’d be like. What our future would be. We flirted. Texted. I was completely and totally in love.
So when I woke up the next day to no text, no call, no anything, I was left wondering. And every time I thought about giving up, he’d say just enough to keep me hanging on. I’d take my breadcrumbs only to watch him slowly disappear again.
I admit it: It was a lot. It hurt.
Until I decided it had to stop.
Looking back, I can see it for what it was.
Without knowing, it became a familiar pattern. He’d text me each morning only to disappear by the afternoon. All-day I’d wonder where he was — what he was thinking — why after years of knowing each other I couldn’t get a straight answer. Why, despite doing everything I could to show I loved him, he continued to drift away.
Breaking patterns is weird. It’s awful. It’s easy to fall back into the comfortable torture of being strung along. Days left wondering. Nights left anxious and restless because he said one thing and (wouldn’t you know it) he did another.
I think it comes down to a decision.
I decided to stop living off of someone’s scraps.
I decided I didn’t want to be the one left waiting on their every word. I decided I didn’t want to be waiting to be let down again. I decided that when someone truly loves me, I won’t have to question it all the time. That their actions will align with their words.
When you decide to stop being strung along — when you buck up and figure out what you deserve, the backlash is pretty fierce. With passive-aggressive texts blaming you for being “hard to get ahold of” when they’ve barely made an effort. Acting out when you dare not to answer their phone calls. Zero consideration of the pain you feel every time their name pops up on your phone.
You realize the apology call will likely never come, but that’s alright. You now know what you need from a partner. You know what you’ve been through — you’ve seen the warning signs.
You grew a damn spine.
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A version of this post was previously published on Psiloveyou and is republished here with permission from author.
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