I was only saying to the Queen the other day how I hate name dropping.
— Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.
Not too long ago, and not too recently, I was dining out and sharing adult beverages in New York City with three gentlemen similar to me in age and experience and general bodily stiffness. As the evening progressed, a story was presented by one of our group about an interesting interaction he had with a well-known celebrity. It spurred on a spate of name-dropping, as we tried to top each other by listing the famous people we’ve met or even spent time with. I was easily vanquished in this competition, although I did get some respect for once playing a game of pick-up basketball with Julius Erving (Dr. J) who, despite being a few years removed from the NBA, moved about the court with a grace and fluidity that reminded me of Matisse’s painting The Dance.
All this is a set-up for a different type of game, one which can be played alone, or with others, where you list, in fast order, celebrities you haven’t met. Why, you may ask, would such an enterprise be worthwhile? I don’t really know.
But I did it anyway, typing out the names of famous folk I’ve never encountered in person, humming for inspiration name-dropping songs such as REM’s “It’s the End of the World” (…Leonard Bernstein, Leonid Brezhnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs…) and Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” (…Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio…) I tried not to censor my thoughts, relying on my subconscious and fading memory to fill out the roster, setting as my only criteria that the celebrity must be alive, and that once I began the list, I could only take a few moments to think of the next name, and if I ever hit a standing eight count where I drew a blank, I must stop. Given these ground rules, this is what I produced:
Jerry West, Elon Musk, Ricardo Montalban, Dale Ernhardt, Jr., Catherine O’Hara, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, Reggie Jackson, Elijah Wood, Prince Harry, Prince William, Prince Andrew, Prince Fielder, Taylor Swift, Billy Bush, Bansky, Parker Posey, the Winklevoss Twins, The Thompson Twins, Billy Idol, Megyn Kelly, Fergie, Jerry Mathers, Anne Hathaway, the cast of Bridesmaids, Rahm Emanuel, Mitt Romney, Meatloaf, Ed Too Tall Jones, Mark Messier, Sandra Oh, Bernie Madoff, Bernie Sanders, Bernie Kopell, Bernadette Peters, Bart Starr, Tyga, Kendall Jenner, Lebron James, James Taylor, Shia Lebouf, Larry Fitzgerald, Vanilla Ice, Ice-T, Warren Buffet, Jimmy Buffet, Renaldo Blackman, Ivan Lendl, Ilie Nastase, Jimmy Connors, Martina Navratalova, Billy Jean King, anyone who has won the grand slam in tennis, Jerry Brown, Bobby Brown, Tina Brown, anyone who has ever played for the Cleveland Browns, Betty White, Billy Kilmer, Julio Iglesias, Julio Jones, Joe Jonas, Jarvis Redwine, David Letterman, James Patterson, Fabio, Coolio, Fat Joe, Slim Whitman, Julia Louis Dreyfus, Amos Patmore, Hulk Hogan, Corbin Bernsen, Paris Hilton, Paris Jackson, Peter Frampton, Chris Rock, The Rock, Jeff Bezos, Harry Belafonte, Gordon Ramsey, Wolfgang Puck, Rachel Ray, anyone who has beat Bobby Flay in a cookoff, Tony Blair, Meghan Markle, Doug Flutie, Carl Lewis, Gerry Cooney, Conor McGregor, Mark Ronson, Rand Paul, Paul Reiser, Paul Shaffer, Woody Johnson, John Thompson, Tim Tebow, Willie Wilson, Amy Adams, Adam Schiff, Steve Spurrier, Cardi B., Samantha Bee, Lucy Liu, Lou Williams, Marilyn Manson, Michael Cohen, Pele, Bill Nye, Sam Rockwell, Rocky Bleier, Molly Ringwald, John Lithgow, Steven Spielberg, Alex Trebek, Little Steven, The Fridge, El Duque, Zoey Deschanel, Robin Roberts, Cardinal Dolan, Vida Blue, Jay Leno, Steven Wright, Mark Cuban, Cuba Gooding, Gerard Butler, Pope Francis, Frank Black, Muggsy Bogues, Joan Jett (or the Blackhearts).
After I was finished, and in reading back the names, I tried to see a pattern. My hope was that the list might serve as a cryptic dream, providing my conscious self with clues about what I might be suppressing, what I might need to do differently, or not do at all. But given with what I came up with, my best guess is that I watch too much sports and too much television (usually in combination), and that I am nearing (or at) an age when the most common question out of my mouth to those belonging to a younger generation is, “You’ve never heard of them?”
But I’d like to think I might have stumbled upon, or over, a better way of connecting with someone new. Instead of searching for commonality in mutual experiences, why not take the infinitely easier road toward commonality by sharing what you haven’t experienced? It might start with celebrities, “You never met Cher either!”
But activities never undertaken, from the most adventurous (“I can’t believe neither of us has ever surfed big waves in shark-infested waters”) to the more mundane (“I thought I was the only one who hasn’t bought toothpaste at CVS”), work just as well. And even better, by leading with who you don’t know, and what you haven’t done, you’re guaranteed to seem humble and not be accused of narcissism or braggadocio or any other sure-fire way of alienating people and diminishing yourself. As the aforementioned Dr. J once said, “I live my life trying never to appear to be a small man.”
It’s good advice, even if you’ve never met him.
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