A few months back, Alexander passed away from a heart attack. You likely don’t know Alexander and truthfully: neither do I, even though he’s responsible for 50% of my genetic mark-up. Alexander was my biological father, who left my mother when I was still a toddler. But don’t worry, that’s not what this story is about.
When Alexander left my mother, he — a professor at the university — already had an affair with one of his students. I don’t know her personally, but she was quite a bit younger. From the stories — admittedly, probably biased — I’ve heard from my mother, as well as the titles of the books I know he has written, I’m getting the impression that theirs was a relationship based on her admiration and his need to have someone depend on him. Which proved to be a fruitful base for a future together — she was still his partner when he passed away.
After Alexander passed away, she — let’s call her Anna (not her real name) — called some former friends in a state of panic. He always took care of all the paperwork. All the financials. All of her. With him gone, she didn’t even know how to pay the phone bill. I’m not even talking about not having the funds to pay; she literally didn’t know how to pay for the bill, or where to access any of the relevant information.
Sad, but unfortunately not uncommon.
Team effort
When relationships turn into partnerships (meaning: when there is a merger and redistribution of resources — financial, psychological, or practical, e.g. when you move in together), it’s pretty common for partners to contribute to the ‘ship’ in different ways. The classic one is the one where one is in charge of making money, the other of turning a house into a home. But even in the most modern households, you may find that one person is always in charge of filing the tax statements, while the other arranges birthday parties for the kids, or comes up with date night ideas.
Personally, I think that’s a great approach to being together. It’s efficient and takes into account each person’s respective strengths and weaknesses. It’s like a successful team. You don’t want or need all team members to do the same thing. It’s complimenting each other that gets you the best results. For instance, in our household, I’m the one taking care of meal planning and date nights. I’m also the one to badger the kids about their homework. My partner takes care of most home improvement projects, as well as most things that involve heavy lifting. And I wouldn’t want to change that. Really, we make a great team.
Responsibility division is a risk
The problem with this approach, as any project manager worth their money would tell you, is that you need the *entire* team to do whatever you do. And that’s wonderful when the entire team is healthy and available. Until someone is not. At work, this might mean your designer has a personal emergency. Your infrastructure expert quit without giving much notice. Or, all the issues gave the tester a burn-out. (Forgive my IT team metaphors — you can take a girl out of IT, but…) And who’s going to step up and make sure everything still runs smoothly? (Spoiler: it usually won’t be the project manager.)
It’s really not that different in your personal life. There are dozens of reasons why your partner may no longer be able (or willing) to do what they’ve always been doing.
First, they can leave. Yes, even when you’re married for 30 years. Yes, even when you’ve only moved in together 3 months ago. Yes, even if you’re fully convinced the two of you are the happiest couple alive. Shit happens.
Second, they can die. I’m sorry, I know that this might be a huge trigger, but I’ve seen it too often to ignore the facts. Death happens at any age. My mother became a widow after her second husband unexpectedly died at age 39. My best friend’s boyfriend lost her as his partner when she unexpectedly died at 36. I’m not saying you should worry every day about your partner suddenly dying, but don’t stick your head in the sand.
Third, even if your partner is still around, their responsibilities can become too much for them. Physical health issues are a thing, and so are mental health issues. Or, their other responsibilities can become more urgent, such as going through a family crisis.
In short: there are no certainties in life, and if both you and your partner only ever take care of your part of the responsibilities, you may find yourself in trouble the moment one of you stops contributing.
The T-shaped partner
In professional situations, this is one of the reasons why companies love to hire so-called ‘T-shaped professionals’: people who are an expert at one thing but are at least moderately proficient at a whole range of others. That way, even though the designer is the ultimate expert on design (duh), the other team members still know enough to deliver in case of an emergency. That way, when the release manager unexpectedly quits, the team can still deliver to clients. That way… well, I think I’ve made my point.
It’s not different in your private partnerships. Yes, maybe one of the partners works 70 hours, while the other takes care of the kids. But make sure that the working partner still knows at least the basics of domestic management (what school groups the kids are in, the schedules for their extracurricular activities & what they need to bring with them, the number of the pediatrician, etc). And make sure that the partner who’s not working still has some sort of skill set they could make money with. Because one day, they might need to.
Of course, your division of labour might be different. But if each of you has areas of responsibility the other knows nothing about, it’s time to make sure neither of you will find themselves helpless in a crisis.
So yes, my boyfriend puts up our shelves and lamps, takes out the trash, and does most of the cooking. But if for some reason he can’t do those things, I’m not a damsel in distress — I’ll manage. And while I take care of the planning, and am the professional school nagger of us two, I know that if need be, he’ll have at least some idea of what needs to happen.
Don’t wait to have the conversation
If this is relevant for your partnership, do yourself a favor and talk about it. Ask each other about responsibilities. Share knowledge. Incidentally, help each other out to practice. I know, knowledge sharing seldom feels like the best use of your time. But trust me: that’s only until the moment you actually need the knowledge you’ve been postponing to share. Then, you’d love to smack yourself for not investing the time. So do yourself a favor: don’t wait for hindsight.
As for the man also known as my biological father… his widow is now confronted with all the things he shielded her from. I can’t even imagine what it must be like, having to figure out the practicalities of daily life at 60 while grieving the man you’ve spent all your life with.
I just hope she’ll manage.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Vardan Papikyan on Unsplash