The Dark Side of Dating Easygoing People

When I speak about dating an easygoing person, they certainly are easy to be around.

They might not argue, demand too much, or judge and they might “go with the flow”, but there is a critical problem we miscalculate when we pick partners with whom we never disagree.

It’s a red flag. In dating and other areas of our lives.

For anyone to be in a loving relationship, we have to understand the downside of being too agreeable or nice.

Healthy conflict is superior to “going with the flow”

Now, here’s the problem with people who consider themselves easygoing. They don’t rock the boat or stir up trouble. You know, they go with the flow… they’re “free-spirited”. They’re so nice.

Let’s take, for instance, a friend, colleague, or classmate who is a “social butterfly”. Everyone gets along with him or her, and they’re easy to be around.

However, it’s not practical to be everyone’s friend and retain authenticity simultaneously. To be liked by everyone means no one truly knows you. You abandon yourself to fit in.

According to this article here:

People are annoyed by easygoing individuals.

Imagine everyone at the office is standing around discussing where to go for lunch. You like tacos. You’re down for pizza. You could even get behind a salad bowl. So thinking you’ll save everyone the stress of another opinion, you pipe up that “wherever everyone wants to go is fine by me.” The group will love you for that move, right?

At first blush, it seems obvious that being low maintenance makes you likable, but new research out of Insead, Cornell, and the University of Pittsburgh shows the exact opposite is true. It turns out that being too easygoing actually just annoys everyone.

— Inc.com

We can take away three things from this insight.

They’re making someone else’s job more difficult when they don’t particularly care about voicing their preferences regarding a decision. While we should strive to communicate more clearly, if we ask them “What do you want to eat?” or “Where do you want to go?”, we want to include them in the decision-making process.
It’s likely they’re not being entirely honest with their preferences. Everyone has opinions, judgments, and views when it comes down to everything in life. No one gets along with everyone on every single thing. When someone never speaks their mind or takes initiative in the relationship, there is a high likelihood they’re holding back their real feelings. Eventually, they’ll resent us.
People who “go with the flow” and have a nonchalant attitude to decision-making is concerning. To me, this translates as someone who doesn’t particularly know what it is they want from the relationship. Sure, we should be more open to where the relationship might take us, but I’m not convinced that people who hold apathy regarding a relationship make ideal long-term partners.

When you notice people who exhibit these 3 traits, they are no doubt tricking people into thinking they are someone they aren’t. Social “chameleons” appear likable and easygoing, but they are hiding their real personality behind a front.

Love needs boundaries

I’ve found that easygoing people are usually emotionally unavailable.

Someone who is not a stranger to asserting their wants and needs won’t be worried about a bit of tension. In themselves and with other people.

But if we want a truly loving, open, and honest relationship, we can’t get to that point without first accepting what it feels like to reside in uncomfortable feelings.

Because that’s the first step in knowing how to communicate. By knowing how we feel.

Yet, those of us who are “easygoing” may not always be capable of handling the sensations of anxiety, fear, anger, or judgment.

To avoid these types of “bad” sensations, we try to please others. Or we employ some other type of coping strategy.

When it comes to people-pleasing in a relationship, we say things we don’t mean. Agree to obligations or contracts we don’t want to be part of. We say yes when we mean no. We say no when we mean yes. It all gets turned upside down.

The disturbing part is, that people will do this for YEARS until the resentment they have gets to a tipping point. We might think everything is great. But one day, they come home and say “I’m overwhelmed. I can’t do this anymore, I feel lost, and unhappy and I am suffocated living with you.”

Naturally, one would feel betrayed upon hearing this. Where was the communication? Why wasn’t anything addressed when there was still time?

The answer is, that some people are so desperate to be loved and accepted, that they’ll sacrifice all their feelings and disregard boundaries for that love. It never works.

We can’t make someone love us. Despite our best efforts, it’s folly.

And it’s also confusing for the person on the receiving end of people pleasing or love bombing. They’ll wholeheartedly be convinced everything is great up until the point that their partner leaves.

For long-lasting love to exist, we need communication. And boundaries. Don’t be fooled by someone who never argues or asserts their feelings. There is a high likelihood they’re harboring some kind of resentment.

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To conclude,

Easygoing people aren’t easygoing. Not in the long term. Their friendly, agreeable attitude may seem like an attractive, ideal quality, but this only hides deeper secrets.

I’ve never found any of my partners who practiced this behavior to be capable of reciprocating true vulnerability, honesty, or affection. It blocked a genuine connection.

Seek to be more authentic. Not a social chameleon. Your partner or future partner will appreciate your genuine opinion more than your acquiescent personality. At least the available ones. Emotionally absent people commonly fear a person’s directness.

If we truly want to love and to be loved, being authentic and relatable goes a long way compared to people-pleasing and codependency.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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