The Dating Book That Pulled Me Apart

“Why men marry bitches” is a must-read. At least, that’s what a friend of mine said. As I started to only read books based on recommendations: Let’s go.

Read, I mean.

Little did I know how upset this would make me feel.

It’s a man’s world

According to author Sherry Argov, women’s dating should have one goal: Making a man feel comfortable and tricking him into committing.

Her core thesis is that too many emotions (from women) make men (all men) afraid.

Man overwhelmed. Man gone.

So better act emotionally shallow. Don’t make him feel scared for the sake of self-expression. Don’t overshare, even when you feel like it.

Or if you are emotionally shallow, congrats! All men will appreciate that.

Yup, that’s the sound of the book’s advice. Sherry Argov offers an oversimplified view of gender, dating, and the world.

Rage bait loading…

The paragraph I wanted to scream at

“After all, women just aren’t as physically strong. We can’t life a heavy box like they can, we can’t open a jar — and sometimes, we just don’t have the physical fortitude to be a pin cushion after a long hard day of chasing kids or meeting work deadlines.”

Yes, these are the author’s words— a woman’s words.

And it’s everything you need to know about her view on women. We are the weaker gender. So we have to obey the male rules of the (dating) game.

That being said, I have lifted many heavy boxes, opened jars, built shelves, and repaired bikes. I ran marathons. There are many females like me. I hope none of us believes the BS-‘characteristics’ Argov imposes on us.

And the rage went on…

Masculine vs. feminine energy (or sexism coated as pseudo-science)

Argov argues that in dating, women should be in their ‘feminine’ energy. With that, she associates:

• sweet
• soft
  not earning more than him (or at least not letting him know)
• doing everything to make him feel strong and masculine

As if all women need to do in dating is to make men feel superior.

I mean, which kind of men are we talking about here? The ones with a fragile ego and who need a lot of performed weakness to feel masculine?

She never asks if that’s a type of man women actually want to date.

Or whether women have some standards. Or whether men may have a very non-primal, reflective, emotional side, too!?

… as if all men were the same

I know not all men ‘hunt’ for women.

I know there are men getting into relationships with a woman because she will most likely not reject them — instead of a woman they really fall for. Why? For a deep fear of rejection and to avoid being alone.

I also know there are very decent men openly willing to talk about intentions, emotions and vulnerabilities.

But most of all, I know people are a mixed bag. Not two groups named ‘men’ and ‘women’.

Yup. I also found some value in the book!

I am enough of a critical thinker to disagree with 90% of ideas in the book.

Hope that most readers evaluate those generic, oversimplified statements for themselves, too — instead of declaring them reality straight away.

However!

There’s one key message to women I strongly agree with: Don’t abandon your own life, interests, and standards to chase a man’s approval.

Yup, we were reliant on ‘being taken’ by a man 50 years ago — as we were financially dependent and had less rights.

Today, it’s a different story. At least in the Western world. So Argov is encouraging women to live up to that and impose own standards:

Instead of showing an anxious attachment behavior and over-accomodating someone, women should not over-pursue; and not make themselves too available.

Ironically, she names women who do so ‘bitches’… doesn’t do her point a favor I feel, but rage-baity books sell better.

Final conclusio: An inherent contradiction

After reading Agrov, I am left confused and angry.

I am sure her intention is to give women more power in dating and to encourage them to live their own lives. Cool.

Good intentions often make bad advice. So the contradiction is that on the one (way more present) end, the book recommends performative coolness, nonchalance, and independence — while on the other end, it says:

Better stay true to yourself.

I prefer that other end.

And better do not trust a friend who recommends reading that book.

Hey you! I hope you enjoyed reading my work. 🎯 I strive to build a community here on Medium and to provide interesting perspectives. My words are dedicated to self-development, sports, and sustainability. I am beyond happy if you support my mission with claps, comments, or a follow! 🙏🏻