I did not live in a healthy family environment, my parents were not a role model for me.
They taught me what love is not, instead of what love is.
I do not know the exact moment when it all started, maybe because it wasn’t just one moment, but more that led to my father ceasing to live.
I do recall some memories I created with my dad while I was a child, this is why I know that he was not always this way, but those memories fade as time passes by.
What I mostly remember is him not being active, he would stay in bed all day watching TV and getting angry if we made too much noise.
He did not like noise, but I understand that because I also grew to be irritated by too much noise.
My parents used to fight a lot, mostly because of my dad’s habit of drinking and financial issues, and I would hear them most of the day.
I even thought at some point that I hated my dad for being this way, but at the same time, I resented my mom for not letting things go, for just letting it be and not confronting him, that way I wouldn’t have to see them fight.
I always knew I loved my mom, but I had doubts about my feelings for my father, until one day.
The moment I realized that I love my dad, is the same moment I realized what true love is.
I remember him sitting in a chair, one hand on his cheek, his head bowed, feeling the pain of a toothache.
It was the first time I saw dad in pain, even if he had many health issues he would never say or show his pain.
I remember looking at him, running in a room, and starting crying.
I cried because he felt pain, I never wanted to see him in pain or to know that he was in pain.
- That day I realized that I never hated my dad, I just hated the fights my parents had.
- That day I also realized that no matter his flaws I love him and I always will.
Since that day I looked at my father with more compassion.
…
Thank you for reading!
Sending Love,
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Steven Van Loy on Unsplash
