The Diploma of Heartbreak

At the beginning of this year, I made a commitment to myself that 2025 would be a lighter and brighter year for me given how rough last year was. Turns out part of that lightness involved walking away from the first person I could see myself with for the long haul.

We were together for about two and a half years. For the first year, I was convinced this was my person. I was sure that no matter the obstacle, we would be able to work on it and make everything work.

But somewhere along the way, small cracks started forming, leaving small fissures and scars. And over time, these scars left their indelible marks on my heart and the relationship.

Deciding to choose my survival and happiness was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, as many of you might relate to.

Every relationship will teach you lessons and as my aunt says, give you the diploma of life that school doesn’t teach you. Here what my relationship diploma taught me.

1. You will know if you are happy. You will never have to question it.

In October, I created a little Google Form for myself to fill out regularly and record my thoughts and feelings about the relationship. I wanted to have a logical and sound record of my feelings about the relationship to see if good thoughts and feelings outweighed the bad.

When making my decision to walk away, I went back and read the thoughts I had recorded over four-ish months and they confirmed what I needed to do.

But the truth is, I shouldn’t have needed to do that. I made the form to ascertain if I was more happy than not in the relationship, but if you are happy, you will simply know.

Happiness will radiate out from you so deeply and clearly that you’ll embody it everyday.

Which brings me to my next lesson —

2. The heart always knows.

Throughout the relationship, I had a mental checklist of things we needed to work on. Finances, house chores, a conversation on kids. We put in the effort and committed to couple’s counseling, and over time, we found common ground on those issues.

I felt the paper checklist was finished, yet, my heart was still not soaring and happy.

It was a tug of war between the mind (we’ve done so much work already, we can do this) and the heart (but why am I still not happy?).

The brain will try to use logic to talk you out of things, but your heart knows. You could be checking all the boxes, but if your heart is not full, it’s not going to work.

If you are looking for an answer to whether your person is the one and it’s not a resounding yes, then it’s a no.

3. The body also knows

The last year and a half of the relationship, my body protested in many different ways.

It started with something seemingly “normal” like tension headaches. But then came TMJ disorder and I had pain in my jaw, teeth, and ear. I experienced my first panic attack the mind-body connection was severed and I could not move.

I noticed grey hairs popping up everywhere. I had so many stomach issues — indigestion, acid reflux, you name it. My periods became more and more excruciatingly painful each month.

I didn’t know it at the time, but now I know all of that was relationship stress.

You can try to deny it, but your body won’t lie to you. Listen to it and take care of it.

4. Love and loving is never a waste

Before this relationship, I was pretty closed off and avoided showing vulnerability. Opening up to people gives them the ability to walk away and to hurt you (read: abandonment issues).

But this relationship asked me to be open, vulnerable, and to risk hurt. And you know what? I got to experience the beauty of love and loving. What a wonderful emotion that we get to experience as humans.

Even though parting with someone is so painful, I would do it all again to experience love again. How wonderful it is to jump and let yourself fall and see where the wind takes you.

The callouses on my heart doesn’t make me closed off; it makes me that much more ready to love and experience love again.

5. It will be easy for the right person to love you

In December, we hit a low point and we both were thinking about ending it.

That’s when he said something to me, which really stuck. “One day, you’re going to find someone who can be really patient with you and it will be easy.”

If someone is the right person, it’ll be easy for them to love you. They won’t criticize you for who you are. They won’t make you feel like you’re not good enough. They will uplift you and love you not despite your flaws, but because of it.

Yes, relationships are difficult and they are work, but they should also be easy.

Choose yourself first and be kind and compassionate

Every relationship is different and only you know what you need.

I take into my next chapter the fact that happiness and internal peace are a non-negotiable. I’m learning to trust my intuition and listen to the quiet, yet knowing whispers of my heart. And I’m remembering to put myself first.

To echo the famous quote from Grey’s Anatomy, “he is very dreamy, but he is not the sun. You are.”

So pick yourself, love yourself, and choose yourself.