Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.
— Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum
Day 9
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to make it through this. I don’t know how long I can fake my strength while I’m inescapably crumbling piece by tiny piece inside.
I am starting to doubt myself.
I’m beginning to get that sinking feeling; you know, the one where you feel like you’re abandoning your kids by leaving your marriage.
It’s all pretty fucked up the more I think about it.
I’m stuck between a rock, e.g., an unhealthy relationship with my husband, and a very hard place, e.g., divorcing him and being forced to split my children down the middle and rip their hearts in two.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I’m scared that I don’t have it in me to cut ties and see what happens on the other side.
Today officially sucks.
The upside is — tomorrow is Day 10, and I’m still breathing.
. . .
“Don’t let the pain and brokenness of life consume you. Instead, allow the profound teachings and brokenness remind you that your heart is still beating, that you can feel, and with this very small act, you are still alive.” — Project Happiness
. . .
If you are in immediate danger, call 9–1–1. For anonymous, confidential help, please contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799–7233 (SAFE) or 1–800–787–3234 (TTY)
Thank you for your love and support. You Are Loved.❤
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Randy Fath on Unsplash
