Surrendering to the blank slate between letting go and starting over.
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A blank slate. Honestly, it feels very unnatural and strange at 35, but if the universe has taught me anything: it’s that never shows up late.
For the first time, I’m completely free from all the chains that used to hold back my heart. I’m utterly alone, in a romantic sense. It’s a foreign feeling. As a woman who studies what I call the “Evolution of Love,” and builds custom engagement rings all day long, love is my credo. I live for love. Where, now that there is no hint of a love partner on the horizon, do I direct all this energy?
For us fearless soul searchers who reject conformity, we can often feel free and expansive in our journey, but sometimes also unnatural.
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Some concerned friends have suggested I pour it into my design work while others encourage me to adopt a pet. Both are fantastic directives, but I find myself moving sluggishly this week. Is it the heat? Or perhaps my body moving at a slower pace than normal? Love is my rock fuel and right now there is no torrid love affair to fantasize about. Maybe that’s been my problem all along: living in fairy tales that are just illusions. Or it could just be that I’m grieving. I’ve suffered a loss of a friend, well for now, and that weighs heavily.
I have to say that my clients are what keep me going. Now just the work they bring me, but the very real, non-fantasy nature of what that work represents. Every day I’m exposed to healthy, happy pairings that are deep-seated in romance, mutual respect, and friendship. Nervous young men voice their fears to me about popping the question and often ask me for opinions about their plan. Women send me the inscriptions they’ve for their beloved’s wedding band. Words that won’t be revealed until their big day.
These love stories are real and they never fail to astound me. Marissa popped the question to Amelia in the very same spot of their first date, under the arch in Washington Square Park. The ring we created was a nod to this important landmark in their tale. Josh wanted his darling to “feel safe in every storm” so a tiny lightning bolt was placed in the setting so Julie could look down each day at her hand and know how beautifully she is loved. This is more than my art, more than my living, it represents the very fabric of enduring love, and that gives life meaning.
I’m never jealous of these magical whirlwind diatribes of amour, but lately I’ve been asking myself, “Where is my love story?” For us fearless soul searchers who reject conformity, we can often feel free and expansive in our journey, but sometimes also unnatural. I’ve never put marriage at the top of my priority list and it doesn’t shock me that I’m still single. Things that do matter to me are romance, deep connection, love, creative expression, friendship, passion, art and self-awareness.
Does my motive operatum dictate my reality? Do my potential mates take a subconscious whiff of my distain for the institution of marriage and run for the hills? Those of us who are brave enough to venture onto the road less traveled often find ourselves lonely. Our society is so quick to reject what it doesn’t understand. Perhaps a bit of Darwinism is at work more than we realize.
Today I’m learning to let go of expectations, dreams and wishes. I am awake, with an open heart, an open mind and a sense of adventure.
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I hope to meet the man one day who takes enough time to get to know me. To understand that bearing witness to a marriage ripped to shreds, filled with violence and eventually annulled in the Catholic Church (do I even really exist?) could quite naturally give birth to a woman who struggles fiercely at the idea of giving up any part of her independence at all. I know one day I’ll meet him, I believe the universe is kind and my soulmate is out there. But I’m surrendering to the fact that it might not happen in my childbearing years. A bit of a heartbreak, but one I can accept with dignity and grace.
What happens next? No idea. Today I head out to the beach with a dear girlfriend and her furry baby, Bailey. Today I jump in the waves. Today I explore my heart, my head and my spirit. Today I’m learning to let go of expectations, dreams and wishes. I am awake, with an open heart, an open mind and a sense of adventure. I think its fantastic place to be in my evolution. Surrendering to this state of blankness, because only when we surrender will the seed split open enough to bloom.