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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Why You Can’t Get Over Your Ex
[Music]
You know what we’ve been getting a lot of questions about recently?
Go on.
People who can’t get over their ex.
That has been coming up a lot. It’s a question that, in a way, could be said by anybody who hasn’t met someone they feel really in love with and happy with.
It’s almost like the default. If you haven’t met someone you’re really happy with, where does your mind go? It goes to the ex you can’t get over.
Whoever was the best person you thought you were with. The person who brought you the most heightened emotions. The person who brought out the most love in you. That’s where your mind defaults back to.
So in a way, anyone could say that—someone who’s still single or someone who’s currently with a person they don’t feel happy with.
Is it even possible, by the way, for someone to say it when they’re with someone they could be happy with, but their brain is still going back there?
Yeah.
This Isn’t Just Heartbreak—It’s Anxiety
I want to talk about that today. There’s no one thing here that’s going to work for everybody. You almost have to get messy and really attack this line of thinking.
Because in many ways, it’s an anxious line of thinking.
We think of it as sad or heartbroken or pained. “I loved that person so much.” “I’ll never find anyone as good as them.” It feels like it’s coming from love.
But so often that thought is coming from anxiety.
The anxious thought is catastrophic: “I’ll never feel that way again.” “I’ll never meet anyone that good again.” “The best is behind me.”
It comes with other anxious thoughts too: “I got them when I was in my prime.” “I was better looking then.” “My stock has gone down.” “Now I’m older and no one as good will want me.”
And modern dating doesn’t help. It’s fraught with rejection. We’re being rejected at a rate we are not designed to be rejected at—especially with online dating.
You meet people. They ghost. They fade. Even the hopeful ones disappear. It’s shocking how quickly people fall off the map.
Then you think, “I’m getting rejected by people who aren’t even half the person my ex was.” It adds insult to injury.
So you default back to your ex.
But framing this as anxiety gives you space from the thought itself. “I’ll never be happy again” is black-and-white thinking. It leaves no room for possibility.
You’re not the same person you were back then. Your version of happiness has evolved—even if you’re still clinging to the old model.
What You’re Really Missing
When you truly fall in love with someone, they feel like home.
When that’s taken away, it feels like being thrust back into the cold. What you miss is that sensation of comfort. The in-jokes. The shared rituals. The feeling of being known.
But that capsule of time was exactly that—a moment in time.
A year or two later, you’ve both grown in completely different directions. What you’re really missing is a memory of a feeling that belonged to that time. Not the person.
The love you felt didn’t belong to them. It belonged to your desire to be in that kind of relationship. It attached to them because that’s where it found its home.
You Were 50% of That Magic
You were 50% of that relationship.
It wasn’t that they were 100% of the magic and you were just along for the ride. Your ability to be 50% means you’re a traveling show. You take that 50% with you.
You get to pour that love, creativity, closeness, and connection into someone new.
We completely disempower ourselves when we forget that.
The Master Key: Adaptability
You can’t give one person or one thing responsibility for the magic in your life. Life changes too much.
A master key to happiness is adaptability.
The happiest people are able to find magic in whatever situation they’re in.
There’s a story in Love Life about Billy’s hat. Billy’s superpower is seeing whatever he’s doing as the best thing. “This is the best Airbnb.” “This is where the party is.”
That mindset combats nostalgia.
The Danger of Nostalgia
We romanticize the past. “That was my great love.” “You’ll never be 22 with me again.”
But whatever you’re in now should be the best days of your life.
We forget the bad parts. We forget the inconsistency. The manipulation. The push-pull dynamic that created intensity.
And when we meet someone new, we compare them like it’s Top Trumps. “They need to have everything my ex had—and more.”
That’s not how love works.
Life is change.
Stop Wasting Time on Tears
There’s a moment in Hamilton when Eliza sings about grieving—and then says she stopped wasting time on tears and lived another 50 years.
That’s powerful.
Living in the memory of an ex can become a way of dishonoring the fact that you’re alive right now.
You’re alive. That’s extraordinary.
We won’t be here forever. Time is precious. Getting stuck in a loop about someone who has moved on is a way of not paying attention to that truth.
Even if it’s objectively true that no one you’ve met feels as good as your ex—what are you going to do today to make the most of your life?
That’s the only question.
Turn That Energy Into Defiance
When we love deeply, we put enormous energy behind it. If that person is gone, that energy still exists.
At some point, it has to become defiance.
Not “I wish them harm.” But, “You don’t get my energy anymore.”
Your ex was fine. They weren’t a god.
They did not have a monopoly on awesome people. They did not have a monopoly on chemistry with you.
You have to dream bigger than believing your only great love was in the past.
Three-Month Clarity
People talk about the “three-month curse.” But maybe it’s clarity.
At three months, masks slip. Patterns show. You find out if it’s real or surface level.
Better to know at three months than waste a year.
Healing vs. Prodding
Deleting every photo? Healing—if it helps you move forward.
Unfollowing but checking their profile? Prodding.
Stalking your ex on social media is one of the unhealthiest things you can do. We’re not meant to have that level of access to our exes’ lives.
Reaching out to apologize? It depends on intention. Are you taking responsibility—or hoping to reopen the door?
A Final Reminder
Heartbreak feels overwhelming the first time. It feels world-ending.
But after you’ve moved on once or twice, you realize something important:
At some point, it becomes a decision.
Sometimes it’s righteous. Sometimes it’s boredom. Sometimes it’s exhaustion.
But eventually you say, “I’m still here. I choose to move forward.”
And when you do, you stop magnifying the past—and start being present with the people who are actually choosing you now.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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