The False Green Flags That Hook You Onto Avoidants

Let’s paint the picture to this magic fairytale. You’re on your way to your first date to meet someone you find yourself wildly attracted to.

The vibe is great, the conversation seems fun, lose and free flowing, and you’re feeling the charm shine through this new connection.

Fast forward to the honeymoon stage when everything seems to be going great, but it starts to feel like something might be missing.

When you are with your partner, it feels like everything is magical. You’re having fun, you’re going through the adventure phase, and your connection feels strong.

You know what comes next, the flip.

Now, let’s stop here. We don’t write so we can focus on an attachment style and bang on everyone who is currently not securely attached.

I want you to know what signs to look out for and understand how to communicate to your partner so you are not sifting my articles looking for every little nugget of information you can sift through.

Please keep reading my articles though.

Okay, jokes aside, the flip is when you notice that something is missing. Your relationship begins to feel surface level and you begin to desire more.

What if I told you that there were signals you missed that would have prevented you from getting to this state? Let’s dig into it.

The flow

It still hits me to this day to write these articles because I am describing the person I was.

One of the things women found most impressive about me is how easy going I was. It appeared like nothing could get to me and I was unbothered by things that would stress others out.

The items that would give others high anxiety were laughable to me at times. There was no cause to overthink.

To be honest, this isn’t a bad quality if there is a proper execution.

The difference is, with avoidants they work within what I like to call the emotional currency pyramid.

The reason it appears they are not cycling through the web of overthinking most people would when they are overwhelmed is because items at the top of the pyramid are the only ones that receive attention. They will not allocate emotional currency elsewhere.

Those items that are not overwhelming are not being prioritized and receiving attention. Do you ever notice how you can end up on the bottom of the pyramid?

It is a green flag that immediately can turn red if you don’t know how to communicate to your partner.

Your desire to move up the pyramid can feel like you’re pushing and that will immediately trigger your partner into retreat mode.

Your approach has to show that you are trying to create balance and harmony for the couple, and part of that is communicating to them that understanding items that might not seem high on a priority board are worth a quick chat.

Leave it at a quick chat.

The lone soldier

Some people cannot imagine a world where they do things alone or rarely rely on others for help.

When we meet an avoidant, it can feel like they can handle anything alone and don’t need to reach out for assistance.

You generally feel like this is something that makes them appear strong and impressive.

It can seem like they have a full resume of accomplishments that they achieved alone.

You know in your short time dealing with avoidants that the script can turn into a denial for assistance or help.

I want to draw a quick line here.

It feels like they are going back to what I mentioned in the first false green flag above. It feels like they are pushing you away and not noticing the value you bring to their life.

It’s a different case here.

They feel a responsibility to finish tasks, work through problems, and ensure they don’t burden others with issues.

It is not that they couldn’t use your help. The problem is it is not empowering in their mind. Accepting help would mean admitting they can’t accomplish something.

What feels like letting someone in, seems like failure to them.

The independence you once admired, can become one of the traits you like least about them.

The slow burn

I will be blunt here.

Avoidants can be some of the most fun-loving people you meet in your life. The highs with them are some of the most entertaining moments you will have with a partner, and you will create lifelong memories.

You know the catch is coming.

It always feels great when harmony is flowing, and you are going over the highlight reel you two have created in your time together.

It doesn’t feel that way when the stakes begin to increase though.

Avoidants are some of the best partners you will have when the stakes are low and there isn’t much they have to give to the relationship.

That’s the problem. Relationships are more complex.

When it comes to the commitment stage the avoidant will be slow to act. The relationship that seems like something that should flow with mutual effort, but you’re the only one putting the effort that goes beyond “the fun.”

You’re the one who is there to participate in the challenging moments like engaging in conversations that aren’t beyond the surface level.

Please don’t feel dumb for being caught in this scenario, but have you spent time with an avoidant and realized you don’t really know them?

When you allow the avoidant to live in the fun stage because it seems like such a green flag that the high is so high, you will find yourself stuck there.

The challenge has to start early, or the door will be harder to open.

The challenge

The good news is that these don’t have to be permanent occurrences. When you know how to navigate the relationship and attach these flags they can avoid quickly turning red.

If you’re ready to work through your relationship dynamic and find solutions to your experiences I offer 1:1 coaching. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at [email protected] to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.