The Forces That Make Emotional Incest Syndrome

A tough but necessary conversation about love

Disclaimer: This essay will discuss themes of Emotional Incest Syndrome, as well as its additional name, Covert Incest, in a discussion about its impact on love. Please read with care.

One of my favorite shows to watch and unwind with the family is Matlock (the new one on CBS). The show follows a lawyer who is trying to find justice for her daughter, who was struggling with addiction, and the company partially responsible was represented by the firm this lawyer is trying to start working at, to gain the information necessary.

Truly a great show and one I recommend, but this isn’t a synopsis of legal dramas or similar genres. I want to talk about one of the more recent episodes that inspired this piece.

One of the characters, Olympia, is a partner at the firm who is convinced she must help the main character, Maddie, in her pursuit. Olympia’s mother comes to town and requires her daughter’s help in representing her current boyfriend.

Now, Olympia and her mother have a rocky relationship, as she was raised by her military father after her parents’ divorce. Her father was very vocal as it pertained to things that bothered him regarding Olympia’s mother. She became his confidant, hearing his rage at the breakdown of his relationship.

These conversations went bone deep as Olympia grew, went to law school, became a lawyer, wife, parent, and partner at the firm. Her mother’s reputation never recovered, and in this episode, it seemed that those discussions and conversations with her father actually may have influenced how she represented her mother’s boyfriend.

In true sitcom fashion, the mother and daughter patch up their difference, and Olympia invites her to spend the holidays with her and the kids by the show’s end.

Olympia, Matlock’s dogmatic defense attorney, known for her strength, integrity, and intellect, was the victim of Emotional Incest Syndrome.

In the way she speaks about her father, you can tell he obviously loved her, but his oversharing in frustration caused a wedge between her and her mother. His oversharing also caused Olympia to struggle with trust issues later. And even with Olympia’s credentials, she still struggles to know who she really is beyond her profession and her association with the men in her life.

Emotional Incest Syndrome (EIS) is a behavior that isn’t always marked by intentional disruption. It is a reaction that occurs when love dies in one area, when communities are not around to be the support necessary, so the child becomes exposed to ideas and conversations that distort their perception of the world and how they grow.

These are the forces that make Emotional Incest Syndrome

Definition

It’s not about sexual encounters or behaviors that involve abuse in that fashion.

Emotional Incest Syndrome, or Covert incest, is the act of a parent using their child as a confidant or source of emotional support.

The reason “incest” is used in the name is that, typically, the behaviors and conversation components are expected to be reserved for a therapist-client relationship or an emotionally intimate relationship with a spouse or partner.

This dynamic is more than just a parent or guardian sharing things; the adult looks to the child to provide emotional support and becomes dependent on it.

This manifests in a lot of different ways.

• Oversharing by the parent/guardian.
• A child or minor putting their own emotional needs on the back burner.
• The parent/Guardian doesn’t give the child privacy.
• Jealousy of anything that may occupy the child’s time or attention.
• Lectures and rants about finances

And for the child who grows to be an adult, they are looking at severe challenges to their sense of autonomy.

• Self-esteem issues
• Trouble setting and enforcing boundaries
• Challenges in believing in an identity that isn’t entrenched in another
• Relationship challenges.

EIS can be a rollercoaster ride that isn’t fun for the youngest of persons who grow up in a world where their sense of self in the formative years is hijacked.

But why does this happen in the first place?

The Causes

It’s important for us to know that most of the time, parents and guardians are not cognizant when they are crossing the line. They don’t even recognize when they are oversharing.

Most of the experts agree that Emotional Incest Syndrome occurs when the relationship between partners is dysfunctional, abusive, problematic, or non-existent.

The parent can’t confide in a partner in the traditional sense; the only person they may have available is their child to hear their concerns and grievances.

Healthline also finds that emotional incest and Covert incest may be learned behaviors passed down from parent to parent in a family line without any real scrutiny. And that child who may feel as though some uncomfortable behaviors are occurring may be forced back into participation by the collective that frames the child’s discomfort as disrespect.

But a lesser spoken about portion of the debate over what forces a grown adult to look to a child to be their therapist or confidant is the breakdown of the community.

In the Healthline article, it is written:

“Parents who lack supportive adult relationships may feel lonely and unsure of where to turn when navigating overwhelming emotions.”

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People today have acquaintances they don’t have “friends” who they can lean on in hard times. I’ve heard my elders go to parties, and cook meals at “friends” houses, but they would never think of even telling them about their divorce or the time they almost were kicked out of their apartment.

The breakdown of strong friendships and bonds leaves many parents without possible outlets to go to, except the child, who they know won’t judge them or impose their superiority upon them.

This allows the behavior to continue, jumping from child to child as the generations pass.

Real Life Anecdotes and Real World Complications

I heard a story recently, not from a show, but from a real individual who is going through it with their mother.

Same story, oversharing, an “unorthodox” and “different” style of parenting, one that was derided by the elders in the community. But when the mother decided that she was hungry for another relationship, another shot at love, regardless of her history and what her relationships put her daughter through, the community didn’t stand with the young woman. They condemned her.

“She’s being a petulant child.”

“That’s her mother.”

“She’s an adult now. Why is she acting like this?”

I felt for this sister, in every outburst and argument, she wasn’t disrespectful; she was tired. Tired of being the confidant. Tired of being the glue that keeps her mother’s heart together. Tired of having to pick her mother up off the ground and expected to do it again and again, “because her mother gave her life.”

It was triggering to me.

I know real-life Olympias whose father’s also warped and distorted their minds with complaints and grievances about their mother.

I know people who were drafted to try and bring their parents back together by one or both partners as a teenager.

I know these stories so well because some of them are my stories too.

What if, what if some shards of our world are broken by this phenomenon?

What if one of the reasons so many cannot commit to a title of boyfriend/girlfriend/lover and they keep it ambiguous, like “talking stage” or “situationship,” is because they know no such thing as boundaries? They don’t know the dividing line and the responsibilities that come with that line, so they keep things ambiguous.

What if one of the reasons that the love from our partners or the love we give to them feels so overwhelming is that that was our experience with the four-letter word from our parents or guardians? They increased the weight of their grievances upon our shoulders, and now we have become accustomed to that from our partners.

Maybe, not the total reason, but one of the reasons that we lose ourselves in relationships is because we were taught and led to believe by our elders that an inability to find ourselves in the relationship is a sign of devotion.

If I have done my job, and this isn’t you, and never experienced such a phenomenon, I hope that you have a newfound empathy for those who have. Perhaps your perspective has opened just a few inches more.

If I have done my job, and you have experienced this phenomenon before, I stand in solidarity with you. But, please don’t let me be misunderstood. I am not calling for the persecution of those whose behaviors align cleanly with the definition. I do not want to create more villains.

Most of the problems of this world are bigger than just one man, woman, mother, father, parent, or guardian.