“Dear Masculinity, Who are you? Because no one seems to know for sure.” Dr. Kelly Flanagan’s letter to a man who’s impossible to know.
Dear Masculinity,
Who are you?
Because no one seems to know for sure.
Growing up in a small, blue-collar town in the rural Midwest, I was pretty sure you had dry-calloused hands with grit underneath the nails. I thought you drove tractors and thrived under the hood of a car. You wore strong aftershave—the kind of sharp scent that dominated every room you entered. You drank beer on Saturdays and watched football on Sundays. Back then, you were big and hard and there-but-not-there.
But then my parents joined the local golf club.
And I got confused.
You still wore the aftershave, but you were different. You made enough money to leave work and play golf in the afternoon. You always had the newest clubs. And, sometimes, you seemed less concerned with your score than with the length of your drives. On Tuesdays, you never missed a men’s night dinner at the club. And, afterward, you sat at the bar, playing dice games I couldn’t understand. You still drank the beer.
And yet.
Other people told me you’d never be caught dead on the golf course. They said you play basketball and baseball. (And they said you play even when you’re injured.) They said you only eat red meat and you get inked and own a motorcycle and you don’t need sunblock and you probably don’t feel things like the rest of us. They made you sound solid and unshakable.
But then, just as I was getting comfortable with who you might be, my world got turned upside down. Again.
I went to college—a kid-from-the-corn thrust onto a campus four times the size of his hometown. And there, people didn’t seem to like you all that much. They blamed you for most of the crap that happened in the world. At best, they seemed to think you weren’t really needed.
But they were just as confusing as you.
Because the ways they talked about you—the ways they slammed you and dismissed you—reeked of the very qualities they abhorred. Your critics were strong like steel, and vicious like a razor.
They were like peace protestors throwing bombs.
And, Masculinity, I don’t think I’m the only one confused about you. Ironically, part of my job now is to talk to all sorts of people about you. Every day. And they all seem pretty confused, too.
Masculinity, I thought I should let you know what a mystery you seem to be to everyone around me.
But I’m also writing, because there are rumors going round.
The rumor is, you can take many forms. The rumor is, you can drive a motorcycle and a golf ball. The rumor is, that’s all just the smoke-and-mirrors of culture and heritage. The rumor is, you’re all of that.
And so much more.
The rumor is, you are Courageous—courageous enough to touch the feelings inside of you, even when they are big and painful and self-shattering. I remember watching Michael Jordan win his fourth championship, all strength and skill and determination. But, Masculinity, I hear it was you-in-him who sobbed in the locker room afterward, clinging to a trophy and letting go of your murdered father.
The rumor is, you are Strong—strong enough to be weak. You know your weakness is your vulnerability, and you have the strength to live in it, knowing life and love explode in the weak, vulnerable places.
The rumor is, you have a Death Wish—you are willing to sacrifice your ego on the altar of accountability and apology and a bottomless love. You are willing to be eviscerated by anything that equalizes you.
The rumor is, you are a Defender—you defend those who cannot defend themselves. You stand between your wife and the part of you that is inclined to dominate her. You seek out the dwelling place of the powerless, and you protect them from being used. Your only allegiance is to those who need mercy. You were Martin Luther King, Jr., standing on his bombed-out front porch, defending the White police officers, because they were suddenly powerless against a vengeful “Colored” mob.
The rumor is, you are a Provider—you put food on the table, but you are also happy to set the table. You provide a space where your kids can be kids and your wife can feel free. You provide a sanctuary where feelings of safety and belonging can take hold of the ones you love.
Dear Masculinity, I hope the rumors are true. I hope you are all of these things.
And if the rumors are true, I hope you show up soon, and I hope you stay for good. In me. In my boys. And in the men all around me.
Dear Masculinity, where are you?
Kelly
Share Your Comment: Have you spotted Masculinity? Tell us what he looks like; share your thoughts in the comments below.
Read more on Men and Masculinity on The Good Life.
Image credit: istolethetv/Flickr
Hey Kelly
You ask “where are you?”
The answer is he’s here alive and kicking, it’s just he doesn’t need to advertise it to the world. Because true masculine men realise people know who they are through their actions not words.
Cheers, Dave
Where can I find the figure toy in the picture?
Well i hear you and I persinally love the way Davis Deida describes masculine energy.
Also I love the way he describes feminine energy as well, plus the dance between the two is amazing.
I love you masculinity and the way you make my feminine feel!
The author seems certain masculinity is heterosexual?
Nice article. And, yes, some of it is biological.
Yawn. Just be a good person, and be yourself. Forget about masculinity and femininity. I’m so tired of people trying to hold on to bad ideas by revising their meaning.
Kelly, I like to thought of exploring masculinity today by the “big projects” that engage us as men. Mine is to Save a Million Men and Cure Breast Cancer (www.MenAlive.com). I’ll check out yours (Protect.org). It would be interesting to hear what other men’s “big projects” are.
Great way to open a conversation. Of course “masculinity” is just a concept. On the face, it should be however any given male behaves, but we use it to shape that behavior to a vaguely agreed-upon cultural norm. Lately we use it to define a lost era of pioneer outdoorsmanship, as we fear the changes brought on by technology. Few shoot a wildebeest anymore, so we glorify it. Mountain-climbing has been so deified that the line for Everest is longer than one for the latest iPhone. And why? To tick a mark on an imaginary list that says “we are… Read more »
Why do we need the adjectives “masculine” and “feminine”? Why can’t we just have good qualities (like courage, perseverance, compassion, grace) and bad qualities (impatience, rage, pettiness, envy) that we _all_ have in some quantity, at some point? I have never felt proud of being “feminine,” but I have been proud of learning to be more patient and caring. I have never felt ashamed of being “masculine,” but I have been ashamed of my rage and pride. Can we just let these supposed categories go?
A good question Vivien. I have had to chew on this a bit. Although I know what I associate with each of those terms, masculine/feminine, trying to express it clearly in just a few words is tricky. I think all of those qualities you mentioned are present in everyone, both good and ill, male or female. As I tried to point out, admittedly a bit clumsily, in my opening post those characteristics identified as masculine/feminine are to some degree expected cultural norms i.e., those characteristics our society/culture most closely associates with female or male. They are useful labels only so… Read more »
This has been a fun discussion to watch. Always impressed by the dialogue at The Good Men Project! After I wrote this, someone critiqued it, saying, “With the way you describe some of the characteristics of ‘true’ masculinity, it doesn’t sound like there’s much of a difference between masculinity and femininity.” My response: “Exactly.” I’d be interested to hear further discussion about the pros and cons of that idea…
Hi Kelly,
I just wanted to let you know I haven’t gone away and am not ignoring your thesis begging question. 🙂
Once I have it worked out into something coherent I’ll post it and the suffer “the slings and arrows”.
No worries, WP. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Kelly, I’ve found it helpful to hold on to the concept of masculinity. I believe there are differences and coming to accept myself means accepting all of me as a man. I remember Robert Bly telling us about the importance to boys hanging out with men. “They need to hear the song that male cells sing.” I love that. I may not be able to explain it satisfactorily, but I know that male cells vibrate on a different frequency and sing a different song than female cells. I love that we at Good Men get to discuss and challenge our… Read more »
I love it, too, Jed. It feels like these discussions move us all to a better place. Glad to meet you in this space!
Thanks for opening the dialogue about masculinity. I prefer to see the “masculine” and the “feminine” as divine forces that appear in everything and everyone – yang and yin, active and receptive, consciousness and form. Then, when we look at a man, we can see how his masculine energies and his feminine energies manifest in his life. The traditional “macho man” is 99.9% masculine and only 0.1% feminine, but the feminine energy is there. People in the middle of the gender spectrum are closer to 50/50, and anyone who decides to change their gender has more of of the opposite-sex… Read more »
Thanks yourself. I think I see it more in that we are each individuals – and a duality – a fusion of self, the spirit or soul, and the body which is the physical/biological side of things. And I want to emphasize the word fusion as on a spiritual level that biological distinction does not exist other than as a matter of identity and how one views one’s self.
Lion, good points. I agree that when we try and tie down masculinity to a particular set of values, behaviors, or practices, we limit our possibilities. There certainly is a universal aspect, a yang to a yin, as you describe it. There are also biological aspects. Those who are “xy” chromosome people or “penis” people have some differences from those who are “xx” or “vulva” people. Our culture sets its own set of guidelines and constraints. And then there’s every man who defines what and who he is. I remember being 6 or 7 years old and had gotten my… Read more »
The problem of course is that you are giving voice to a concept which is as much defined by culture and social strata as anything else. Oh, there are characteristics that are inherently male as there are characteristics that are inherently female. How we behave as male or female is to no small degree defined by our knowledge set and the cultural norms which were imparted to us in our upbringing within the norms of the subculture which we were born into. People’s attitudes can, and do, evolve over time as modified by knowledge gained both formally and by experience.… Read more »