No one raises a man alone; it takes a village. We need to make sure we include positive men in our villages, too.
I was raised in a single mother household. For the first few years of my life, it was just my mother and me. When I was nine years old, my mother decided to have another child; three years later, one more. No, my mother didn’t teach me how to ride a bike or fix a flat tire, my uncle did. She didn’t teach me how to dress and tie my ties for formal settings, my middle school teacher/mentor did. However, when I think back on the things my mother has taught me, I couldn’t even fit them in a 900-word article. The list of the things she has instilled in me lieu of not having a male figure in the household is endless.
This is why I found singer-actress Jill Scott’s comments interesting in this month’s EBONY Magazine featuring her and handsome son, Jett Hamilton Roberts. The issue highlights her triumphs and pitfalls of motherhood. True to sensationalism, her teaser was tagged as “Jill Scott on being a single mom, taking on Hollywood and loving her life.” In the May 2013 issue, her quotes went viral before the magazine even dropped. She was quoted, “It’s challenging being a single mom … No matter what I do, I’ll never be a man. Ever. I can show Jett how to be a thinker, how to enjoy music or how to feel, and to conquer. But I cannot show him how to be a man.”
Parenthood isn’t easy for anyone, but apparently it’s harder for a black woman. Statistics show that if you’re a black woman, and you want to get married, you might have a difficult time. Almost 70 percent of black women are unmarried, and over half of black women’s marriages to black men are said to end in divorce. But what are these statistics when we are dealing with real life? Being married or living in a heteronormative household does not negate the possibility of producing offspring—planned or not—who can be abandoned by one of their parents. There have been many studies attempting to discover the ideal situation where children thrive most. Unfortunately, there aren’t any step-by-step instructions, and batteries aren’t included. No matter if there are two daddies, one mother, two mothers, etc.; there’s no 100 percent-guaranteed formula for a household to produce a happy, healthy child.
Women can raise sons to be good men. I’ll do you one better: women are raising sons to be good men. I look at my mother and as fruit of her labor; I would say she did a pretty damn great job.
I can applaud Jilly from Philly’s honesty about her experience as a single mother raising her son. Even while reflecting on her recent comments, I can only reminisce to the songs she’s written and sung in the past like “The Fact Is (I Need You),” “Come See Me,” and even “How It Make You Feel.” Although these manifestos seem allusive to her comments, I understand Jill Scott’s position that it takes a village to raise a child. She continued, “That I-can-do-it-by-myself mentality is a lie. I’m sorry if I hurt anybody’s feelings, but you cannot do it all by yourself. You need a village: some aunties, grandmoms, friends. I couldn’t do this by myself and would be a fool to think I could.” Although I find her listed village to be a bit problematic because she didn’t mention any men, I agree that parents cannot and should not do it alone. We need to make sure we include positive men in our villages, too.
I think toward the future of how my friends and my children will grow up. Our village definitely will look different from the one I grew up in, but the same influences, factors and influential members will be present. This village will have multi-degreed working professionals, homosexuals, lesbians, interracial couples and many other things I could only read about in my community. Many of the conversations my friends and I have around parenthood celebrate the underlying messages of allowing our children to be themselves and positioning so they can be.
All parents have opportunities and threats they have to overcome. Parents must recognize these obstacles and cultivate strong support systems. We have to ensure that we include people from all walks of life. It is important to stress and invite powerful male and female figures to children’s lives, regardless of gender, sexuality or race.
I never contemplate about the days of not being able to teach my daughter how to be a young woman. Even with my child having two dads (ideally), I don’t think about if my son will grow up knowing what it means to be a good man. These hypotheticals don’t bother me or cross my mind. I’m more concerned about being a great role model for my child and ensuring I have others in place to teach them things I cannot.
Just the simple fact that we are raising boys that are unable to be fathers is an indication that women raising boys does not work. Because a few of our men are excelling does not change the fact that so many aren’t. The stats speak for themselves. And even the ones that seem to be successful if they take
the time and be true to themselves they will see that not having a father whether he was completely absent or just not as involved as he should have been has affected them in some way.
I could easily go find some whackadoo youtube video about some radical idea. I don’t think growing babies in tubes to avoid having a biological father is something that’s going to go mainstream. This is a little paranoid/conspiracy theory at this point, imo.
Tom, I don’t think ANYONE here is saying that children are BETTER OFF without their fathers. How is your post relevant? I don’t want to be Captain Obvious here but of COURSE families would be better off with both parents. But what about when that is no longer an option? When the father doesn’t want to parent anymore? Is it still our fault? Are we still ripping apart the fabric of God and ‘merica? The question is, since some of us don’t have a choice right now, CAN we still succeed? Your bitterness toward irresponsible women aside, that is the… Read more »
“I have a niece who, after their daughter was born, husband walked out on them, and into the arms of a women who has two kids of her own. It was “family” that’s helped raise her daughter.”
I tought someone said women do choose to be single mom?
Don’t take things out of context. SOME women do choose.
Thanks,’SOME” is the key word here,don’t forget to use it next time.
Okay, now that we clarified that “some” women chose …. What is it about these women in that they believe that it’s okay to have kids without dads? What’s happen in the past 40 years that open the door allow women to think that single parenting is okay not just for the women but more importantly the kids? Even with countless statistics that show the negative results of fatherless kids, some women believe it’s okay and have actually promoted it. In the past 40 years, and I’ve been watching and observing and I have yet to see a man or… Read more »
Women are, Tom. You aren’t in the room because you’re a man but women are. In my group there are some harsh HARSH conversations with women who think they have the right to “get back out there” just because they survived their miserable marriage. Um, no honey. You need to suck it up, focus on your kids and figure out why you feel for that last a-hole in the first place. So I’m not sure what you are talking about and on the same token, are the “good” men standing up in arms against men with several baby mamas? Bottom… Read more »
Read the book “Like a Virgin: How Science Is Redesigning The Rules Of Sex” perhaps you want to see the video?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2pQvkDPB48
“In the past 15 years, the definition of family, marriage, and parenthood have drastically changed but with Prasad’s hopes for the future they will change even more, creating more single parent homes, more termination of “unwanted” fetuses grown in a lab, and a greater diversion away from the way God designed the family and reproduction to function in Genesis 1-3”
Why would society even be willing to look at this as the future???
Article …. Are Women Who Have Children Through Sperm Donors Selfish? Picture this: You are career woman who has devoted much of your life to fulfilling your dreams in your career and moving up the corporate ladder with fierceness. You feel that you are at your peak, but there is one thing missing. Well, make that two. You want a child, but you are not in a stable or long-term relationship. What do you do? Continue to seek out that Prince Charming and hope to one day have a family before your eggs vanish? Or skip the middle man, literally,… Read more »
Yes, this happens. I know a woman who did this….she happens to be a terrible mother.
But I think the problem…the BIGGER problem…is that people associate having children with somehow “completing them” or being some magic ticket to happiness.
Married couples do this constantly.
It is a fact of life. I don’t agree with it AT ALL.
BUT, Tom.
What does this have to do with the original question?
The answer isn’t SHOULD it’s CAN.
According to your stack o’ statistics the answer is no..
I concur with Jessica,I’ve never seen any feminist movement that ‘promoted’ single motherhood.If you mentioning about fathers’ right and how they should able to see their children post divorce,then I have no problem with it,I probably would be the happiest in the world if ‘SOME’ fathers start to get more involved with their children’s life post divorce and all.But let’s not forget the fact some of these women are probably remarried to another man themselves,so I don’t know whether it’s appropriate to assume they are deliberately choosing single mom lifestyle on purpose.
“I would, go ask your feminist elders as to what you should do. THEY set the stage for what women are faced with today. Time to take a clear look at what’s happen and why it happen.” I don’t see how feminism could get involved in this issue.even in a country(like mine) where feminism has a weak stronghold,there are still issues concerning deadbeat dads and single moms.Mind you,incidents where a woman got knocked up over drunken fling is almost never happen.Almost every sexual relationship in my community occurring in a legalized institution called marriage.Some women might deserved the blame for… Read more »
Feminism, early on, minimized the fathers roles in the family. Called them oppressive, uncaring, neglectful and only interested in sex and control. Major push was to make it look as though women/moms can do it all. No need for men/dads. I remember a feminist once saying that the movement was not intended for women to take on all the roles in the family but simply allow women who chose careers to have equal footing and opportunities. Women have the ability to CHOOSE one or the other but it was not intended to have women do both. To compound the problem,… Read more »
And still how does feminism contributed to social ill statistics which you just stated?
Even in countries where father still have strong roles in the family,why does it still present?
Different countries,cultures perhaps but still I don’t see how feminism are able to affect the social order in America but not in other countries?
The concept of nuclear family itself is an invention of industrial era.It was much more common even only 100 years ago for children to be raised by a combination of parents,grandparents,aunts,uncles,neighbors and others.Many mothers died in childbirth.And no small numbers of fathers were gone due to warfare,commonplace like disease TB,or simply abandoning their families(still common in these days).People act like the sky has fallen in recent decades,but the reality is that there have always been many challenges facing intimate relationships.I guess if in the past someone would blame endless war for causing surplus of single mothers but now it’s ‘FEMINISM’.Maybe… Read more »
@sebahi .. Different country, different culture.
Rape is mostly blame on consumption of pornography in certain countries,yet for some reason even in a country which has excessive sex industry namely Japan and Netherlands with fully display advertisement on the streets,yet sex crimes is very rare.Why is that? Different cultures,different country perhaps? In a country which has a low rates of divorce and nearly non-existent single moms yet still high rates of crimes which committed by criminals that were raised by both parents,but somehow criminals in this country is mostly attributed due to their upbringing by single mothers.All the simple explanation one could give is different country,different… Read more »
Curious as to why you ask for suggestions in that you already pointed out that you have what appears to be a great family network to help you raise you children. Something that many women don’t have … so I’m not sure what you want me to say? I would, go ask your feminist elders as to what you should do. THEY set the stage for what women are faced with today. Time to take a clear look at what’s happen and why it happen. I have a niece who, after their daughter was born, husband walked out on them,… Read more »
Wait a minute,you and Tom are the same person?
Yes, the same person .. different names simply be cause I was/am getting fed up. Sorry for the confusion.
” a women scorned, you obviously have no problem with low blows.” Of course,a woman is scorned when she gets defensive after hearing some of comments posted.I always thought the word ‘scorned’ is reserved for women who squeeze out money as many as they can from their partners or former husband.But I guess the word can easily applied to any woman who would dare to disagree with you. “I would, go ask your feminist elders as to what you should do. THEY set the stage for what women are faced with today. Time to take a clear look at what’s… Read more »
Sorry,TYPOS
Most of them were raised by both parents
@Aruna …. different country, different culture.
Yes, Why don’t the feminists have the answer? I hear it from countless feminists, asking men to move to their camp. Okay, ya want us to move then why aren’t the feminists in this string giving the answers? Take you question to Heather who just posted something about ask a feminist anything …. ask her these questions.
Except that feminist don’t even have that much of presence in my homeland.The first time I heard the word is when I first arrived in America,so I’m curious if in this country feminism must have something to do with the promotion of single motherhood and all the consequences that comes with it,I still don;t understand that how come that even young men that still has both parents raising them are still able to fell in anti-social behaviors?
After all divorce is very rare.Is there anything that we should questioned about apart from single moms?
Well this is a very provocative title for a rather well-measured article. Perhaps that was on purpose…anyway… I totally agree that “it takes a village” and “you can’t do it on your own.” But, that’s because I think it’s equally ridiculous to assume that a heteronormative household could do it on their own either. The only two options aren’t “what women teach you” and “what men teach you,” and thus if you live in a straight married household, you’ve got all your bases covered. (Which, I get that’s not what you were saying…but that’s generally the argument made for why… Read more »
You can paint it any way you want but the facts are facts •63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average. •90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average. •85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. •80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. •71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. Father Factor in Education – Fatherless children are… Read more »
So what are we suppose to do? Just roll over and start picking out pantsuits to wear to support our kids in court?
You act as if single moms CHOOSE to be single moms.
I was MARRIED. When I married my husband he was a business owner, ambitious and had his head screwed on.
Then he just quit. It was all too hard and he checked out.
He doesn’t make enough money for the state to get any child support from.
So, yes, we know the statistics…
What do YOU suggest we do?
Women DO choose to be single moms. In fact, society promotes single momhood. Where do you think “my baby’s momma” came from.
Sorry you ended up in a bind but in the big world, MANY women make a choice to not be married and have kids. Kids with several different men.
Many but I’d say the minority.
I run a non-profit single parent support organization. Out of the hundreds of families I help, I know of NONE who willingly got pregnant with the purpose of being a single parent. I know a lot who were sexually irresponsible but in that case I’d say BOTH the father AND mother were choosing to be parents.
So where is the father’s responsibility?
And again, you didn’t answer my question…
What are we supposed to do?
Jessica, what you do is NOT to push the child’s dad out of the child’s life just because he can’t give you child support. A dad’s first responsibility is to be in the child’s life.
Why do women think men are going to maintain a cordial relationship after you’ve gotten the state involved in our business?
Did I ever say I did that? No. I would love for my ex-husband to be in my kids’ life. I stayed in a city I hate so the kids could be close to him. He chose not to be involved. He abandoned us. He is not involved physically, financially or emotionally. He CHOSE to marry me. We CHOSE to have children. He decided it was too hard and then he quit. I’m sorry some of you here are unable to answer my question or give me any actual supportive advice. Single moms are not villains and yet, that’s all… Read more »
By the way “can’t” and “won’t” are two different words.
A 36 year old educated man CAN stock shelves at Walmart. He chooses not to so he can stay off the grid and not be held responsible.
I think it’s interesting that you’re still putting the onus of that relationship on the mother. I’m a single parent to both a boy and a girl – and yes, they have different fathers. Both men were initially thrilled to be parents – yet neither of them participate in their children’s lives. Do I “push” them out of their lives? I suppose, if that means sending texts, asking my daughter’s father to spend time with her, only to be met with no response. I suppose I’m pushing them out of their lives by asking my son’s father to acknowledge him,… Read more »
Oh yes! I also have not gone through the state to collect money for my children. We have been divorced for three years. I’ve been patiently waiting. We’ve gone without food. My “village” has had to help with Christmas presents because he’s “trying” and he’s “looking.” He chooses not to work. I wish I could say this is the exception to the rule but it appears to be the rule. In the eyes of the state, despite being the sole caretaker I am viewed as a ‘derelict’ parent because I am not pursuing the money owed to my CHILDREN. It’s… Read more »
*APPLAUSE* for you.
Given the fact that my wife and I opened our home to abused women as well as homeless and was transitional housing for one women who was pregnant so that she could get her feet back on the ground, you’re right… I can offer nothing Even though the one women who was in an abusive relationship and had her baby while living with us …. After 6 months in my home, she went back to the abuser …. my wife and I continued to open our home. Quick story. While having dinner with my daughter at her in-laws to be… Read more »
For over three years I have worked as an advocate and part of a non-profit that helps single mothers (and a few single men). Let me say that of all the people I have worked with being single was NOT A CHOICE. No PERSON should be subjected to physical, sexual (rape), and severe psychological abuse at the hands of their spouse. Unfortunately people do just “check out”. I have yet to know of A PARENT, even when piece of crap former spouses do not financially support their children, prevent the children from having a relationship with the father. In fact… Read more »
I love the “if you don’t want kids, put on a condom. …. Okay, how about this, “Honey, if you don’t put on a condom, we aint gonna have sex.”
Takes two to tango.
Here is another idea….. wait a LONG time before having sex??? Get to know the person real well before you lay down with them
And BTW, I would say the same thing to a guy.
Ya’ll talk about men taking responsibility,,,,, when are ya’ll gonna do that? When will you ladies say that the way you’ve been doing it, isn’t working.
After coming home from work, I’m sitting with my daughter, checking over her homework, while my son is playing with some toys a few feet away. Dinner is cooking. Both children are fed, clothed, cared for, loved. I’m their sole provider. I work five different jobs, some from home, in order to be there for my kids – emotionally, physically, financially. Forgive me for guffawing aloud when I read that, Tom B, but I’ve been under the impression that I HAVE been taking responsibility for my children. And it IS working. Thanks, though.
Did I say that women in your situation don’t take care as best as you can? Shit happens and you deal with it. Just like I almost lost my wife twice in the past 39 years.Had I lost her, I would deal with it and make the best of things. I commend any women or man who managed on his/her own. There are plenty of jerks out there and sadly, people chose to bed down with them. Chose wisely next time. You said, “And it IS working. Thanks, though” …that’s not what other women have said in here. It takes… Read more »
Too many jerks out there,TOO MANY….B the time they show their true colors,it’s already too late to step back.And the mess is ours to clean..
It sounds like you can only see your own narrow view of the world, Tom. You still haven’t offered any helpful insight to parents who, again, were in what they and everyone around them thought were healthy marriages only to have the rug pulled from under them. It’s not about “choosing right or better.” It’s sad that you don’t realize that not all women who are single moms are just idiots who got knocked up and should have known better. Talk about victim blaming rape culture rhetoric, “Welp, she shoulda known!” We ARE stepping up to the plate because we… Read more »
You’re right too many jerks out there,they’re very good at pretending to be a good men,it’s so difficult to know which one is really good or bad,but I guess the responsibility is always ours to find to be more selective,and then we would be accused of being too picky.
I don’t think being raised in fatherless home is the main contributor for social disorder,perhaps it’s true in America but somehow even in countries(like mine) where divorces is rare with the ever present father,crimes do exist more or less the same.
Some picky things, two negative one positive: Being a divorced mother doesn’t mean you are raising a child all by yourself. Often that’s the case, but I hate that people assume that divorce means that the dad is therefore gone from the child’s life. The divorce rate is a major factor in parenting today, but it doesn’t automatically make all divorced people solo parents. By the same token, you can be married and be essentially raising a child on your own. You can be married to an absentee father, and you can be divorced from a dad who’s still helping… Read more »
I love Jill Scott.
I’m a single mom and my son has cried on my bed (he’s 8) about how much he misses a man in his life. I moved home to be near my family because I knew I needed a village. Thank goodness I have a massive network of brothers, uncles, friends, and grandpas to help him build a composite of what kind of man he wants to be.
I raised two children on my own, a boy and girl. I knew to do it right I would have to learn ‘traditional’ male roles such as self defense, tool making, auto repair. Those skills enhanced my self confidence, broadened my horizons and, in turn, changed the lives of my children and their children. All have successful lives and no arrest records, so the answer to your question is ‘Yes’. Just identify what needs to be done and muster the courage to do it.
Sure they can. Thing is, not as well as if they’re married. Stats show that, across SES. Higher propensity for drugs, crime, promiscuity and poor educational results. Also drowning in the bathtub.
Guy named Eberstedt–of Harvard then–did an epidemilogical study. If illegitimacy were a disease, it would be the worst threat to infants and young children, worse than any other disease in the developed world. True here, true in Europe with their varying approaches to health care and maternal privileges of one sort or another.
Many Black women are rearing successful Black boys and men alone. Although having a good man in the home would be better, it’s not essential. Very good piece, Drew!
Serious question. The sons of single women, what else would they become when fully mature other than men?
Thanks for your reply.