Recent research done by Robyn Parker, and Joanne Commerford on lasting couple relationships shows that “simply wanting the relationship to continue isn’t enough”.
Both parties need to put in extra effort every now and then to maintain and keep it healthy.
If you ask 10 couples why they stay together, all of them will surely have different answers.
Some will argue that it’s their soulmate and in no way they can’t imagine living without them and the rest, they like to think that’s how life is supposed to be.
Get a good job, find a partner and build a life together.
It sounds boring, right? Yet people still do it.
And here are why people stay in a “boring” long-term relationship:
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They stay because they think they wouldn’t be able to find someone else a.k.a they settle down for less
I hope this isn’t your reason.
I know many people (especially where I came from) have this reasoning. Dating is hard nowadays and people are tired of trying their luck in the dating pool.
So the moment they meet someone, they want to jump ship.
10 years later while they question their decisions in staying in that relationship, they convince themselves “this is it, I can never find someone better.”
So they end up settling less for what they actually deserve. They compromise too much that they don’t get their needs met.
How many times you’ve seen long-term couples being miserable and super jealous of those who are single? I’ve seen too many.
That’s because they have the wrong reason to stay in the relationship. They don’t have a genuine intention to be with their partner.
So when it gets boring in the 5th year, they won’t bother trying to make it fun anymore.
They’re scared to be alone
When my boyfriend and I broke up in 2019, I completely lost myself.
That’s because I started the relationship thinking two were always better than one. I was scared of being alone.
It’s also the reason why I put up with so much negativity in my past relationship because I didn’t think I could survive alone.
But that breakup changed everything.
Some people are so damn scared of being alone. And it leads them to make wrong decisions. The most common one is to be in a relationship that they aren’t sure of.
And over time, they no longer see it as a problem. Their problem is being single — not being in the wrong relationship.
That’s why you might see people stay in a long-term relationship just for the sake of it.
They don’t even build a genuine friendship with their partner because that’s not in their interest. The one at a disadvantage is, of course, their partner.
No matter how long they stay together, their partner won’t ever get their needs met:
- The need to be genuinely loved
- The need to be wanted and appreciated
- The need to be pursued (putting the work to make it less boring)
Those who stay in a relationship just because they don’t want to be single would never go above and beyond to make you happy.
They genuinely like their partner as a person
With all the reasonings above, let’s not lose hope yet.
There are couples who stay in so “boring” long-term relationships because they genuinely like their partner as a person.
They don’t focus too much on “what’s in it for me?”. Even if after some years it becomes boring, they try their best to make it fun.
This means they put in the work. They look for new activities together to try. They don’t sit around and wait for things to change.
They also realize life isn’t all about having fun. Some days they can make it less boring, some days they just let it be.
Just like anything else in life, nothing’s permanent.
You can’t expect those butterflies’ feelings to stay forever. But that also doesn’t mean you should move on and find someone else.
They come to terms that they don’t have to try so hard to stay in love all the time. That’s why they’re OK with spending time separately.
The healthiest relationships I’ve known out there aren’t the ones who are madly in love all the time, far from it.
They’re the ones who appreciate each other’s company without forcing it.
They’re comfortable with their own company yet know how to come back to their partner afterward.
That’s how you know the relationship will last for a long time.
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How does it truly feel to be in a “boring” long-term relationship?
If I tell you being in one always feels like being in a paradise, you’ll probably block me right off.
Because it’s a big fat lie.
It feels boring for sure, that’s why having the right intention is the one thing that will help you feel good.
The fact that he’s my best friend also makes the relationship more fun.
People will tell you that you’ll be in love forever once you’re with the right person but it’s just far from the truth.
There are days when you feel stuck and the idea of being alone seems better.
That’s why if you don’t like your partner outside the relationship then it’ll be hard to keep it going.
We all have different personalities depending on what role we’re playing.
So knowing how to switch (either being a lover or a best friend) is important.
There are also many practical tips you can do to keep the relationship fun — despite how many years you’ve been together.
But it all comes down to one thing: are you genuinely want to spend the rest of your life with this person?
Because if the answer is no, then you got some homework to do.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
 White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism |
 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
