The Healthy Relationship Handbook: Individual Application

Healthy relationships often eluded me. It took trial and error to realize that there was a twofold reason for this: I hadn’t yet dealt with my attachment issues or trauma, and I chose partners who were equally unhealthy. If I couldn’t recognize red flags, I couldn’t avoid them either. The pattern was there. It just took time, distance, and healing to see it.

The Healthy Relationship Handbook

There was no handbook to help me get from Point A to Point B. What there was, however, was a willingness to cultivate self-awareness and to address the issues I saw in myself. It was so much easier to focus outward on everyone else’s problems, but doing that only created frustration, not change.

Instead of waiting for everyone around me to change to meet my needs, I began a journey of personal growth. I read books related to issues I identified in myself. I went to therapy and did the work outside of it. I began making healthier relationship decisions because I had been burned so many times that I knew I couldn’t just throw out the red flags and hope for the best. I had to do better. I finally realized that I deserved better.

This isn’t going to be another article where I say that everyone should love themselves first before entering a relationship. This is going to be one where I say everyone should love themselves. Full stop. It’s not that we can’t love other people if we don’t. It’s just that love for other people is so much deeper and more meaningful when it extends from a sense of self-love.

When we love ourselves, we make healthier relationship decisions. We’re not trying to meet our psychological needs through another person. We aren’t seeking external validation or self-worth from someone else. With that strong internal foundation to stand on, it’s so much easier to build healthy partnerships.

Individual Application: Healthy Self Relationships

I get asked often, “How do I love myself?” There’s not a shortcut to doing it. There’s not some life hack I put into place that magically made me adore myself. It took time, and it wasn’t a straight path without challenges.

Perspective Shift

As a mental health clinician, I have often taught clients about thought-stopping and thought replacement. When a negative thought pops up, we’re meant to find a true but more positive replacement for it. Instead of letting our minds spiral into negativity, we give ourselves something new to consider.

This takes practice. Regular practice. It also takes effort and a willingness to leave our angst behind for a more positive mindset. Frankly, sometimes we just want to wallow. That’s human and completely normal. But if we want to avoid letting our wallowing become our whole personality, we have to be willing to try something new.

I stopped focusing on everything I perceived as a flaw in my appearance or personality, and I started thinking about all the things I like about myself — whether or not anyone else likes these things about me. As I began to consider traits and features I appreciate, the list grew. I can look at the hard things and address them, but it was so much harder in some ways to look at the good things and believe them.

I also had to leave blame and shame behind. I couldn’t keep pointing a finger at everyone else for my toxic relationship history. I had to forgive myself, which helped me forgive other people, too. I began to look at the past with a new perspective, one focused on empathy more than blame. I wasn’t rewriting the past. I was seeing it clearly for the first time.

Intentional Living

As I began to recognize what I liked about myself, I also began to make more intentional choices in my relationships. I didn’t spend time with friends who weren’t growing. I didn’t stay in rooms where I felt like I was tolerated rather than celebrated. I stopped choosing partners who had potential and started assessing whether or not they were meeting their potential.

I began crafting a life that involved the things and people I loved. I considered what brought me joy and comfort. I counted my blessings. I took charge of making my life what I wanted even when it didn’t seem to be going my way.

That last part is important. I had a financial crisis earlier this year. It necessitated working extra jobs to survive while slowly digging myself out of the hole I was in, and it was one of the most stressful situations I’d ever encountered. I’m a single parent. It was all on my shoulders. I did some wallowing, and then I stood up and got strong enough to carry that weight. I did my best to make that time meaningful even though it was stressful and scary. I found comfort where I could, and I didn’t fall back into unhealthy patterns just because life was hard.

As I move out of that dark time, I’m filled with appreciation for the resilience and capability I found during it. I know that I’ll need to find a new work-life balance. I know that I deserve rest and calm, and that’s so much more important than simply getting out of debt.

Living Love

I always tried to be a strong partner. I wanted to love people well. Even when I didn’t do it perfectly, I was always trying.

Now, I’m trying for me. I want to love myself well. Even when I can’t do it perfectly, I want to keep trying.

Healthy Relationships: A Look Ahead

When I focus on having healthy relationships, I’m not only thinking of the romantic variety. I want all of my relationships to be healthy. I’m enjoying strong friendships, and I make sure that all my relationships are supportive and authentic. Maybe romantic love will one day feature again in my life, but I’m not waiting until it does to be my healthiest, happiest self.

Even people in relationships already can work on their relationship with the self. It only enriches our relationships to do so. There’s no handbook to help us make all the right decisions and never mess up. The best we can do is to choose to love ourselves well, to love others well, and to keep going even when it’s hard.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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