The Impossible Trap of 'Keeping it Simple'

I once loved a guy who was allergic to hard things. He hid it well — proclaiming a passion for spontaneity, embracing hobbies that seemed daring, and generally giving off a carefree, YOLO vibe. But the moment he encountered a personal or professional barrier, he either abandoned the effort entirely or turned into a robot: functional but not emotionally present.

He’d deny it, of course, because admitting it would be…well, hard. In fact, he was a master at denial, deflection and avoidance. So if you loved him, as I did, there was one requirement to hold onto him: keep it simple. At least, keep it simple for him.

In theory, simplicity has its charms. Who wants a relationship filled with difficulties and obstacles? But simplicity can be a trap, boxing you into a tiny space where only certain actions, feelings and conversations are allowed.

A relationship between two people requires some complexity if it’s going to move past casual acquaintance and towards something lasting and real. A friend or romantic partner who needs things to be simple all the time is someone who will shut down when things get complicated and, quite likely, hold you responsible. “We had a good thing going, until you went and complicated it.”

The “keep it simple” partner isn’t necessarily self-aware when it comes to distress intolerance, and they often don’t intend to hurt you. They might put a serious label on your relationship, tell you they care deeply for you, and make you Spotify playlists filled with Feelings with a capital “F.” In other words, we’re not only talking about people who seek out situationships, friends with benefits, and casual hookups.

But when real-life issues arise, along with real-life emotions, the “keep it simple” partner is quick to disengage. Suddenly the partnership feels very lonely, and there’s a wall between you that didn’t exist before (or did, but you didn’t want to acknowledge it). Even if your partner doesn’t explicitly question or diminish your feelings, their lack of engagement may cause you to second-guess yourself and your needs. “Maybe I am over-complicating things…”

Avoiding discomfort is a natural human instinct, and there are many understandable reasons why some people develop a particular intolerance for it — sometimes extending back to earlier relationships that ended badly, or even into early childhood. But part of growing up and reaching emotional maturity is accepting that a certain amount of discomfort is not only inevitable, but also key to personal growth and deep connections with others.

Relationships where there is never any discomfort are relationships that never evolve. That may be fine if it’s, say, a coworker, or the distant cousin you see at family functions every few years. But the person you love? What’s the point of opening your heart to someone who won’t explore past the surface for fear of encountering something slightly unpleasant?

One of the hardest things I ever did was walk away from the guy who avoided hard things. I still loved him, and for a long time I was willing to take on extra discomfort in order to spare him any. But every time I tried to get closer and was shut down because it wasn’t “simple” enough, a little bit of my hope for the two of us died. Eventually, there wasn’t enough left to sustain my efforts and I had to admit we’d reached the end of our dead-end road.

Uncomplicated love sounds pleasant, but it’s a superficial kind of love. And a life filled with only surface-level connections isn’t the life I want. It’s that simple.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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