Walking down the street, you’re going to work with a thoughtful mind overflowing with the tasks under your supervision to get done. The left hand holding a cup of coffee (or your favorite morning drink) and the right hand holding the paperwork for that day. It all looks like a normal day, until your eyes cross those eyes, then, all of a sudden you start to imagine a whole different future, where love plays a part.
Butterflies in the stomach, thoughts blending your curiosity with the desire to take the heart on an adventure side by side with that special someone, and many more reactions of watching yourself falling in love builds up a comfortable atmosphere around everything you do. And then, comes the first opportunity to take the first step into seeing for yourself the chances of sharing a bond with another heart.
However, it’s not an independent feeling, because more often than not, the expression at hand coming from you will be either a slight sensation of insecurity or an energetic sense of boldness. In other words, it’s either submission or worship, but above everything else, being aware of these two faces of love is the way to love right, and a more precise and vibrant definition of them are Masochistic Love and Mature Love.
Some say the inherent and deep desire of finding an interpersonal, intimate connection along with a particular world for the couple only is the most powerful force inside of us, like the energy that allows the sun to burn endlessly for us. It’s no child’s play, because such an emotional warm feeling can change someone’s life in all aspects so that every sphere of live come into sync, like finding the right radio station where you can finally listen to a song.
And that’s when you realize that someone’s presence in your timeline is like finding water in the desert, gold in the mud, hope in rainy days. Beautifully appreciated, love is meant for good, but sometimes it turns out to be a huge stone in your way, like what happens when Masochistic Love is at play.
Imagine a bee working in a day-to-day basis, traveling miles and miles away from his home to land on a flower so it can get some pollen to bring back. That’s the way the bee’s life is happening and everything is fine. However, someday a butterfly shows up, and before the bee knows it, he’s standing there on the flower and instead of grabbing pollen, as that’s his duty, he finds himself watching over the butterfly day in day out, completely careless and irresponsible for leaving his job behind.
This picture represents a submissive pattern not so hard to find, when someone gives up on important aspects of life to please someone else, building up an imbalanced and unhealthy relationship, and it’s called union without integrity, the giving up of ones essential values and beliefs for the sake of an idealized person. Simply put, it’s the complete opposite of Mature Love.
This other side of deep emotional connection takes the shape of union, just like the Masochistic Love, however, integrity is kept as a high priority. There’s no submission and no giving up on the core values. You put on the headphones to listen to some music, to take your mind and heart somewhere else, but you always come back when you know it’s time to get going with your personal life, dreams, job, and so on.
Love, experienced thus, is a constant challenge; it is not a resting place, but a moving, growing, working together; even whether there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness, is secondary to the fundamental fact that two people experience themselves from the essence of their existence, that they are one with each other by being one with themselves, rather than by fleeing from themselves. — Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving.
Here are the main signals for both types of love.
Masochistic love
- You don’t care getting late at your job so often
- Your dreams are not so important as the ones your partner has
- You’re living more for the other person than for yourself
- Telling the truth is not a must because you might upset your loved one
- If your partner doesn’t like your hobbies, you stop doing them all
- In a nutshell, you put your partner on a pedestal
Mature Love
- You attend your commitments just like when you were single
- Your dreams are non-negotiable, though you can match them with your partner if you wish
- You love your partner and care for yourself the same way
- There’s no keeping from your partner what you think
- You make some sacrifices, but you don’t neglect your duties
- The two of you treat each other equally
The second type of love is what love is meant to be. A comfortable place where two little birds share their intimacy, hopes and experiences, nurturing an unique connection that helps them overcome their challenges and acts as a support to lean on when times get tough. It’s true union.
Love can do wonders, and the more you know about it, the wiser your choices. You can learn more about it in the book The Art of Loving, by Erich Fromm.
On top of all of this, when you’re aware of what you don’t want, finding that lost treasure of experiences you do want becomes easier and much more likely to happen, after all, you’re less likely to invest time and energy into relationships fated to end sooner or later. That’s why talking about the future is necessary, because that’s how you find out whether your expectations will get along with the expectations of the one you chose.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Charly Pn on Unsplash