First of all, it is well documented that the US is experiencing a loneliness epidemic. There’s even an eighty page Surgeon General’s report for 2023.
Here’s how I’ve seen it played out in my life.
I recently turned 60. I anticipated it very much — it feels like the biggest milestone yet. I am in the mood to celebrate all year long. Yet I think that might be a challenge. I think it’s connected to the loneliness issue.
A few weeks ago, a friend texted me to invite my son and me over to his house on June 10th. I knew it was his birthday so I texted back kiddingly, “Is that someone’s birthday?”
Then added, “someone else’s 60th birthday is May 30th and she has no plans.”
“Yet.”
His response was, “Every day is someone’s birthday” which I suppose he meant to be funny. He made no offer to help me celebrate.
I was annoyed by his response so I didn’t say I was free on the 10th and that I would join him. Later, I realized I was being childish. When my son was heading out to go with my friend to a Memorial Day Service, I asked him to tell our friend that we’d join him on his birthday. (I found out later that my son hadn’t said anything about joining the friend for his birthday).
On my birthday, my friend texted me some photos of flowers he had taken, thus giving me a ‘bouquet.’ That was it.
Luckily, I had made plans with someone else. Two people actually. One person was going to go for a walk with me on Memorial Day and having me over for dinner. She surprised me by inviting some other friends over making it a surprise party. She made a delicious meal. The next day, my actual birthday, I went out to dinner with another friend. We had a lovely time.
Then my friend’s birthday, June 10th, came along and he went to a casino.
By himself.
A few days later I got together with a friend who has lived in Seattle in the past and is visiting for a couple of months. When she realized I had just had a big birthday she made sure to add some birthday cake to the dinner we were putting together. She made a big deal out of my birthday and made me feel special.
She also shared with me the story of someone who, when turning 70, decided to do 70 things with 70 different people over the year. It could be a walk, hike, bike ride, coffee or dinner. It could be anything as long as it acknowledged their friendship and his birthday. I thought it was a great idea. I was wanting a way to celebrate all year and this sounded like a good plan.
Then I wondered how does one let friends know this?
Do I send out an email?
A text?
Do I mention it in passing?
I thought I’d post it on Facebook to start although I had some trepidation when it came time to hit “post” because I don’t usually post things on Facebook that are very personal. I usually share photos from my garden or cooking videos of food that looks delicious.
Here’s what I wrote, and also the responses.
I recently had my 60th birthday and was wanting to ‘celebrate all year’ but wasn’t sure how. Talking with my friend Viv, she gave me a great idea. Over the year, celebrate 60 times. That is do something with 60 different people celebrating my 60th year.
It could be a bike ride, dinner, a drink or some other fun activity. So far I’m up to 3. 57 to go!
(I posted a picture of my cute dog for attention and ended with…) Gremlin has taken me for a walk every evening and has wished me a wonderful year each time.
36 people have liked or loved the post.
From the comments —
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday, Andrea! (To which I responded ‘You know I’ve always wanted to be invited to your house.’)
Fine Idea
GIF of birthday cake
A landmark year! Looking forward to the 60 things update. Happy Birthday!
I’m celebrating the whole year too! (from a friend who lives across the country)
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday
I can’t bloody believe it! Happiness!
Great Idea! Hope all 60 celebrations are the best!
Happy Birthday! That’s a fun celebration plan you have.
It goes on. No one says, “I’d love to do something with you.”
No one.
Now, I didn’t post it thinking that I was going to get a bunch of offers. I didn’t really think about it. But the empty responses have me scratching my head.
Do these folks think I have 60 good friends?
Does anyone have 60 good friends?
I’m wondering who they think I’m going to be getting together with. I even responded to some of them that we should do something. One comment was a little bit of a dig because I went to church with her for years and although she’d been to my house a couple of times, she’d never invited me to hers. She’s a bit of a cliquey older lady. I said I’d love to be invited to her house. She didn’t respond.
Are these Facebook friends too busy? Do they not like me enough to go out for a cup of coffee? Are they afraid to reach out?
One friend said, “Happy 60th! That sounds like a great way to get a lot of free meals!”
Yikes!
I responded, “or bike rides or hikes, coffee or walks. It’s up to you!” She didn’t respond.
If someone I knew wrote something like my post, I know I would have responded differently than all those happy birthday wishes. I would have invited them to do something.
I know it.
Because after reading Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends by Marisa G. Franco, PhD, I know that taking initiative is my strong suit. I am not the type of person who says, “Let’s get together” and doesn’t mean it. I check in with old friends regularly if not often, and they are always (I think) happy to hear from me. I have no problem calling friends to make plans.
I read Platonic with a group organized by someone, a life coach, in the local time bank. We read the book over a couple of months and discussed it bi-weekly. Learning about attachment styles, secure, anxious and avoidant, helped me understand why different friends respond the way they do.
So, getting back to my question, is it Facebook, Americans or me?
Yes, it is Facebook. It is not a venue for true connections.
Is it Americans? I think so. Of the 4 friends I have made plans with and who have acknowledged my 60th birthday, one was from Australia and another Kenya. They have a better sense of community and connection than the average American.
Is it me? I don’t think so, but I have hundreds of days of my 60th birthday year to ponder that question.
How would you respond to someone presenting a plan like mine? How do we get over this loneliness epidemic if we can’t or don’t commit to doing things together?
At some point will I have to start begging folks to do something with me? This ‘great idea’ has opened up a can of worms.
Andrea
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Previously published on Medium
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