The Loneliness Epidemic

I’m no stranger to loneliness. Though well-liked, even popular, I found finding the right wavelength with folk elusive. The right vibe. People I can chime with. The topics I enjoy talking about are a bit out there. I’m not one for small talk. I guess I see life differently. I never understood the reasoning behind competitive sports and I don’t care what car people drive. I think the corporate ladder leads nowhere special. And I never bought into the whole designer thing. Although I can converse with anyone about what they want to talk about, hardly anyone wants to go deep with me about what I want to talk about. The idea that no one gets me is an exaggerated perception that lonely people perceive.

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”
— Emily Dickinson

But I can get along with almost anyone.

I was once employed to trick lonely people into text conversations so they’d rack up a phone bill. So many lonely people.

I’m not proud of those underhanded dealings, but they opened my eyes to the plethora of lonely people from all walks of life.

I felt keenly for the fellows and their daily lives. Some knew I was pretending but still texted to tell me they were on the train, or having a sandwich for lunch. Small everyday touchstones you’d do with a loved one. During busy hours, there’d be hundreds on the line. One civil servant just wanted to brush my hair.

Globally, a 2023 Meta-Gallup survey across 142 countries revealed that 24% of both men and women feel very or fairly lonely, highlighting a widespread loneliness epidemic affecting over a billion people, with young adults aged 19–29 reporting the highest rates at 27%. While women reported higher loneliness in 79 countries and men in 63, overall gender differences are minimal.

As a single woman, being lonely was a strong factor in my taking on the permanent care of a two-year-old over a decade ago. I had a loneliness like the echo and ache of hollow bones, brittle with a lack of purpose and meaning.

Without people to care for, there is no purpose and meaning. Being wanted is one thing, being needed is another.

Children bring purpose and meaning. She needed me for certain. I am her rock. I am proud of raising that girl, and I’m not lonely anymore because I have somewhere to put my love.

If you do not have somewhere to put your love, it blocks up the pipes. It is better out than in. That is why dogs are loved so much because they’re great receivers of love. And cats, too. Edgar Cayce said cats absorb the bad juju. Like sponges.

We limbically chime with mammals.

The lonely people are everywhere. In every nook and cranny. Lonely people fall into terrible traps. The trap of drinking too much, or gambling or eating or driving super fast on highways to escape feeling lonely. Loneliness feeds addictions. Of hanging out with the wrong people, so as not to be alone is the story of every kid who joined a gang. Seeking solace with strangers in one-night stands or stranger trysts. From the song by Stephen Stills If you can’t be with the one you love, then love the one you’re with almost makes sense.

“We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness.”
— Maya Angelou

We need to stay together, stay in touch.

AI can’t solve the problem. A rubber doll will enhance your loneliness. AI can give advice, but not hugs. A human requires many hugs a day. To be embraced and held. We need physical touch to alleviate stress, anxiety, to promote bonding through oxytocin release.

“We need four hugs a day for survival, eight hugs a day for maintenance, and twelve hugs a day for growth.”
— Virginia Satir (1916 -1988) Family Therapist

A General Theory of Love (2000) says loneliness feels like pain. It sends a signal from the limbic brain like that of hunger. There to drive you towards connection, for your survival. The brain craves the emotional attunement.

So the good news is loneliness has a cure.

Human connection is the antidote to loneliness. Through intimacy and shared stories and feelings and through touch and attentiveness, our brains synchronise and harmonise. We are wired to thrive rubbing shoulders and bellies with others.

Our attentiveness and warmth, and connection are gifts for others.

And free.

Louise Moulin writes about the human experience. She is an author, poet, and essayist.