The Love You Lost Could Make You Whole Again

When I fell in love, I willingly gave over my heart into another’s hands. I trusted him to treat it gently and keep it safe from harm. Time passed, and I began to unknowingly give other pieces of myself away. Every single time I allowed my needs to go unmet, I gave over a tiny piece of myself. With every compromise, I lost another piece. Every single time I honored his needs above my own, I lost another still. Soon, I was in pieces, and the heart I had asked him to care for gently was given back to me with bruises.

Bruises heal with time, but I was left looking for the pieces I had lost along the way. They weren’t where I left them. Some, the wind had scattered. Others no longer fit when I tried to put them back into place. I kept searching for those pieces while healing from a broken heart.

At the end of my relationship, someone asked if I still believed it was better to love and lose than to never love at all. The sharpest part of my pain said that love was not worth it. How many tears had I cried before the end? How many after? Relationships are often measured in the months and weeks and days together, and we forget that they extend into the months and weeks and days of grief that follow, too.

But the softer part of me, the side that still remembers what it felt like to be loved, says everything is worth it. What is the measure of a kiss against the grief of losing it? What is the measure of love and vulnerability against broken trust and hurt feelings?

The experiences cannot be measured against each other. They stand alone — wholly as they are. One does not invalidate the other. Love is as valid as grief, and I can hold both of them together in my bones without either canceling out the other. The loves we lose could even make us whole again.

For one thing, loves that teach us lessons elevate us.

This is a difficult pill to swallow when the relationships that end were terrible. But looking back, some of the worst relationships elevated me in unexpected ways. Or, to be more accurate, I elevated myself as a result of them. Let’s not give horrible relationships any credit.

There are opportunities in any experience we go through. In my worst relationship, I was able to learn all the things I didn’t want in a partner. I noticed red flags I didn’t notice before. I even learned to develop stronger boundaries, particularly around finances. Leaving that relationship elevated me for future ones. I knew I would never choose to be with anyone who made me feel that bad about myself or took advantage of my finances in that way. While I’d have loved to learn these lessons any way but the hard way, I’m still grateful I’ve learned them.

In good relationships, in healthier ones, we are elevated, too. We see the qualities that we do want. While it’s sad that these relationships can end, it can teach us much about who we are, what we want, and the standard to set for future relationships.

We learn all over again who we are and who we want to be.

Losing my last relationship shook my foundations. I had to rediscover what I wanted for my life. I had always dreamed about owning a house as a single parent, but when I fell in love, I shifted that dream to include another person. I put that dream on hold for him, hoping that we would one day take that step together. When the relationship ended, I returned to myself and returned to the dream of independently owning a home. I stopped putting it on hold. I remembered what I wanted and, more importantly, why I wanted it.

I also began diving into interests that I didn’t feel like I had time for while managing a relationship. With so much of my time freed back up again, I began to ask how I wanted to spend it. I had time to read, time to sign up for classes I had always wanted to take, and time to spend with friends. While it’s possible to have a relationship and do all these things, the end of a relationship is an opportunity to realign our priorities and maybe even try something new.

We gain strength from putting ourselves back together.

When I was crying and broken down over love lost, I can guarantee that I didn’t give a damn if putting myself back together made me stronger. Frankly, I’ve put myself back together many times. For once, I’d like to not have to.

But life happens. When tragedy of any kind strikes, we have to decide if we’ll let it make us or break us — or maybe a little of both. It certainly broke me down first. I had to do a deep dive into my feelings, and it’s taken longer than I ever expected. But when I began to heal, I also began to embrace my strength. I had survived something I thought I couldn’t. I had lost someone I hadn’t wanted to lose. I knew that I had the strength and willpower to build back my life and to create a new dream.

We become better partners for future relationships.

Losing love can actually make us better for the next relationship — but only if we actually learn from it. I could sit here and make a list of everything my former partner did wrong — whether it was intentional or not. That’s easy. It’s far more difficult to sit down and make that list about ourselves. It takes a willingness to look at our flaws, to be accountable for our mistakes, to learn from them, and to do all of this with grace, love, and forgiveness for ourselves.

I can look back and see my own missteps and mistakes clearly. I know things that I would do differently, and one day, I might have the chance to do them in a different relationship. I cannot change the past, but I can be better for the future. I know that I’ll likely have better boundaries and maybe even be a little more fluent in love languages going forward. The love I lost may even help me be a better friend, better parent, and better person from what I learned in the relationship and from what I learned by losing it.

When we fall in love, we give over pieces of ourselves. We share them because we want to, and we truly hope that what we offer will be handled with care. But sometimes, life happens. People mess up. Sometimes, we’re the ones who do. At the end of the day, we may feel broken, but we are not broken. Pain is as human as love and joy. If we’re brave enough to face it, we just might come home to ourselves — whole and capable of complete happiness.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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