It was a typical Sunday afternoon on a call with my bestie in Australia. We were on our monthly scheduled facetime call and as girls discuss boys (yes, I oftentimes refer to myself as a girl), a particular crush I had developed on a guy came to the surface. I won’t bore you with the nitty-gritty, but the topic that led to this very article was about the possibility that my crush could actually return my affection. Somehow I got so fixated about how good-looking he is, how kind he is, that he pisses lemonade, and shit diamonds, you know when you’re wearing the rose-tinted glasses, all looks well, but I haven’t stopped to think..what if he thinks the same? Somehow, the idea of a man wanting to spend time with me seemed so foreign. And then my friend uttered the words that crushed my illusion. “Simon, your dad broke you!” It hit me 6-love! I knew I had daddy issues, but for some reason, I pretended that it didn’t affect me as much as it clearly did. I actually started to get a bit emotional. Off came the scab that covered a major wound. Raw in emotion, I tried to compose myself, the conversation continued and after we ended, the question that remained, was “How did my dad break me?”
This question spend a few weeks percolating in my mind until I was able to formalize it into words. Backtracking to my facetime with my bestie, we came to some sort of conclusion that it’s through the action of our fathers, that we formalize beliefs and those beliefs can be true or it can be a generalized falsehood. Take for example the belief “People don’t change”. This is true for some people, but in a generalized capacity, it’s not, as we have all seen people who have actually changed. The matter of “truth” is relevant to the person to whom the belief is anchored. The problem is that we oftentimes apply beliefs that are anchored to a certain person, and use it as a “catch-all” belief, and in that it no longer becomes a true belief.
Coming back to my question: “How did my dad break me?” That is how, by his actions. The things he did and most importantly, the things he didn’t do.
Our fathers are the first men we come to know in our lives. If you’re a girl, then your father oftentimes becomes the blueprint of the man you one day will attract and marry, and in my case, if you’re a gay man, the same rule applies. So far, I am about to turn 36 years old in March, and the area of my life that remains unsuccessful is my love life. I have invested an enormous amount of therapy and effort, in trying and successfully heal parts of my life, in order to attract true and lasting love in my life, but the main problem, I still face to this day, is holding on to beliefs that are anchored to my dad, which I conveniently use as a catch-all to disqualify any guy that could potentially be my future husband in all his glory!
Abraham Hicks and his theory on Beliefs
I believe our thoughts create our reality. This is what I have learned from The Vortex: Where the Law of Attraction Assembles All Cooperative Relationship and this book really opened my eyes. And everything I have explained above essentially is owed to this book. Here’s what Abraham Hicks’s theory is on beliefs:
A belief is only a thought I keep thinking.
A belief is only a thought that I continue to think.
A belief is only my habit of thought.
It’s only a practiced thought.
A belief is only a thought that I think a lot.
Then the answer is simple as Abraham would say. Change your thoughts, then you change your beliefs. What I love about this philosophy is that I am in control.
So, if a belief is only a thought that I keep thinking and I keep thinking a thought that is in opposition to what I want then I keep thinking the thought that is in opposition to what I want, so the reason I don’t get what I want is because I keep thinking a thought that is in opposition to what I want.
So to take Abraham’s theory on beliefs, the intend of this article is not to bitch and moan about the past, it’s merely to highlight how my beliefs came into existence, bringing them to light, and acknowledging a counter “Remedy-Belief” to help remedy my thinking pattern.
I can’t cover every single belief I hold, so I will cover to main ones. The ones I am aware of that I know need to be addressed. Before we dig in, I just want to say,
I will also add some positive affirmations which I have formulated whilst doing my internal work. Feel free to use them in your daily life should you feel the need to and apply them accordingly. Let’s dig in
#1: I am not worthy of attention
This seems like an obvious one when it comes to your standard “daddy issue” person like me. But unfortunately, it’s true. As a child, I was your average kid, got some diplomas for Maths, Arts, Playing the Recorder and when it came to award nights at school, only my mother was to be found in the audience. When I participated in the National Eisteddform events for playing the recorder, sometimes only my mother will attend it not even every time.
I can rant on, but you get the message. Unfortunately, the message I got as a child is that “ I am not worthy of attention”.
This belief is still very much a part of me today, in the sense that when a guy wants to take me out for coffee, even if it’s platonic, I question the shit out of it. I look for the fault in it. I oftentimes conclude with the “He must be looking for sex” answer, in which in some cases it’s true. But the mere idea of a man genuinely wanting to take time to get to know me is somehow a very foreign concept.
And when I do get that level of non-sexual intimate attention, my feelings suddenly go all over. Is This Love? Is this the One? This oftentimes leads me to create fantasies over people who for all their innocence, only wanted to get to know me as a person, into he is the one! The sad part is, the crushing downfall when the realization becomes imminent, that the fantasy is JUST a fantasy!
On the plus side. I am older and wiser and have learned to distinguish myself and with the help of my close friends, to filter through these scenarios to avoid living in fantasy land.
And most importantly, that I am worthy of attention. The Good kind of attention!
Remedy Beliefs and Affirmations:
“Men that find me interesting and that want to get to know me as a person and spend quality time with me, Do Exist!!
“I am worthy of receiving undivided attention”
“My Divine Partner values my worth and sees and nurtures the potential in me”
“My Divine Partner is fully invested in the full version of me”
“My Divine Partner is consistent in his investment in me and in our Love and Relationship/Marriage” — For those that are married already
#2: All Men are Narcissists
This belief is unfortunately anchored to a very painful experience. It was around when I was 12 or 13, roughly, can’t remember the age. And my parents had been drinking, and my dad was hitting my mom, and I grabbed a broom to attempt to break up the domestic abuse party, and when I hit my dad on the back with the broom, he looked at me and he said, “I can’t believe you chose her over me!” My response to him was, “It’s not about choosing her, it’s about right and wrong, and this is wrong!” Yes, I said that, no lies. If I must say it myself, I was a very wise child.
But wisdom aside, what riddled me was the “I can’t believe you chose her over me!” part. What did that mean? Are men that insecure? Are men that proud? I mean, I am already speaking openly to the public, so to divulge, my dad was not a pedophile, nor did I have any sexual abuse experiences from my dad, so again, What did that mean? The only logical takeaway at that time was the belief that “All men are narcissists”.
This belief is sort of twofold in the sense that it’s the belief I learned to cast upon all men that enter my life and it’s a belief I unknowingly at a time adopted as being a man. I might be gay, but I am STILL a man.
I see this in my life to this day. If a love interested doesn’t choose me or does something that could be remotely construed as not choosing me, I cut him off and I disengage. This is a very unhealthy ideal to live by. In general, a relationship has two parties and in a relationship, both parties should be honored and respected, and most importantly, chosen. However, what I have repeatedly done so far, is that I have attracted men into my life that are so narcissistic, that I am prone to put them on pedestals, as an ineffective remedy to my first false belief that “I am not worthy of attention”, so I end up giving all the attention, because god forbid, if you don’t “choose” them, all hell is to pay! and then when I feel that the “attention balance scale” is out of wack, I then turn to the narcissist and start making it all about me and eventually cut the cord because I am deprived of attention which brings out the narcissist in me.
On the bright side, after many trials and error relationships, I have finally become aware of this, and I do pay close attention to this. I am not perfect, and will still sometimes idolize certain men, but I have learned to be aware of this. In a healthy relationship, both parties are the stars of the show. Sometimes, the one-star gets a little bit more showtime, and other times not, but the main stars should never be considered extra’s on the show.
Remedy Beliefs and Affirmations:
“Not all men are narcissists”
“Men that are secure in themselves that can admit their wrongdoing, Do Exist”
“Men that believe in treating their partners with respect, Do Exist”
“My Divine Partner understands me and knows how to comfort me”
#3: I am not worth your time or money
I have covered the “time” aspect of this belief already, but the money part! This is a major one. My dad is a great person and has many positive attributes. Yes, in my childhood he didn’t live up to his full positive potential (to put a positive spin on it) but damn, the man is tight when it comes to money. Now, in my household culture, my mother was the one that handled the finances, and my dad was the blue-collar worker, and if I think back, I don’t recall my dad even owning a wallet. So any money I got as a child, be it pocket money or so, would have come from my mother. This includes any gifts, birthdays, or Christmas. In fact, I have only once in my life received an amount of money from my dad as a gift for my birthday. Once.
This shaped my whole life, in the sense that as a man I chose to be as financially independent as possible with money and have even gone so far as to complete my Post Graduate in Financial Planning at the University of Stellenbosch, South Africa. It clearly had a very positive effect, but we’re not here to discuss positive effects.
The more underlying sinister belief that haunts my life to this day, is that “I am not worth your money”. What does it mean? How is this belief translated into my life?
Well, I have this obsessive need for things to be equal, especially financially. Then, on the other hand, When a man wants to take me out for dinner or buy me a coffee, I have this stupid habit of saying, next one is on me! It’s like I have to prove that that can pay my way. This I know can be very unattractive to certain men, because certain men want to be the provider. In fact, I want to marry a man one day that is the provider. Before I get a backlash of comments on “Man being the Provider”, let me define my version of what a “provider” is. I define a man who is financially stable, who can contribute his part to the relationship financially equally, and build a solid future with me, and who can sometimes, take me out for dinner (without me having to make it equal) as a man who is the provider.
I am not here to challenge your beliefs on what men should or should not do in today’s society. This is about what I personally want.
Looking at the situation from a writer’s viewpoint I can understand where my need for financial freedom comes from, given that my dad didn’t really have his. I mean my dad earned the bulk of the money between my parents, but never managed it nor had an interest in expressing his affections through financial means. Perhaps if my dad had actual money to hold in his hand, if would have been different. But then again, if he did have money in his hand at the time, it would have gone straight to the liquor store. So the other message I received as a child observing all of this was that “Men can’t be trusted with money” or “Men aren’t financially stable human beings”
But the main takeaway here is the “nor had an interest in expressing his affections through financial means” part. You see, as a child, I don’t know what it looks like for a man to express his affections through financial means i.e gifts, getting pocket money from your dad, your dad buying your first car, etc. Because of this, I struggle to accept it when it comes from a love interest.
Remedy Beliefs and Affirmations:
“Men that are financially stable that wants to express their affections through financial means, Do Exist”
“It’s ok to allow a man to spoil you a bit, Simon!”
“Men that are financially generous, Do Exist”
#4: Men must be feared
I have a very strange sort of selection process when it comes to dating men. As a gay feminine, man, I love my men to be manly, with a beard, taller than me, masculine, I mean, by now I am over describing what you’re understanding from what I am trying to portray. Yet, given my experience with domestic abuse, I am oftentimes very wary of “How” masculine my partner must be, given that my childhood association with “Masculinity” is “Violence”
If I have to describe all my relationship partners (not lovers, we’ll be counting for days), the one thing they have in common, besides having penises, is that they’re all peaceful guys and they’re not particularly masculine. Two I would say were Men’s men, but the rest were white color, office, take it easy kind of men.
Now, I admit here are some very old stereotypical worldwide beliefs and personally obtained beliefs that need to be addressed here.
For instance, in today’s culture, “Masculinity is still associated with aggression”. Being a Man’s man is still portrayed as a Bearded man with a flannel shirt chopping wood in the backyard, getting reading for a barbeque.
This is not me, this is a worldwide epidemic of belief. However, in my case, these beliefs were actually enforced or realized. My dad was the Bearded Masculine man, with a temper and he had a flannel shirt! How did this belief break me?
As a feminine gay man, a part of feeling feminine is to experience that through sex with a masculine man. But since I have this distorted version in my head of “Masculinity = Aggression”, I oftentimes choose partners, that is what I refer to as “safe”. It’s sort of like sometimes, my beliefs hold me back from being with the kind of guys I truly want to be with.
As a man, I have learned that I have both feminine and masculine energies and have come to embrace both sides. I can put on my sexy lingerie and red lipstick and I can also check the oil in a car and plan and finance a heck of a holiday!
Luckily, I have only ever once been in a relationship where there was violence, that was the last one as well. As all exes would attest, my motto is “If you hit me, Kill me, Don’t let me stand up”, because if I do, pray for your soul!
Remedy Beliefs and Affirmations:
“Masculinity means being vulnerable and peaceful”
“Violent men must be feared”
“Men that are respectful in all ways, Do Exist”
“My relationship with my Divine Partnemt brings my Peace, Joy & Tranquility”
“My Divine Partner supports my desire for health and safely in all forms and areas in my life”
“My Divine Partner is a manly man with good manners, a Kind heart and a Loving humble nature”
#5: Men can’t keep it in their pants
This one is also unfortunately anchored to a very hurtful memory. Not so hurtful to me, but what it meant to my mom. It was a weekday afternoon, I was also in my early teens, sitting in the car with my mom, waiting for my dad to get out of the train station after finishing his workday and as children like to scratch and play in the car, I managed to find a woman’s watch that didn’t belong to my mom.
When I showed her the watch, I could see and comprehend the disappointment in her face. I knew at that age already, what betrayal looks like. I knew by my mom’s facial expression that the watch wasn’t hers and I knew that if it belonged to another woman, what that meant. It was only around five or seven years ago, when I raised this for the first time in therapy to my psychologist and how deeply that experience traumatized me.
Again, we are dealing with worldwide stereotypical beliefs such as “Men can’t keep it in their pants” and then it gets reinforced through actual personal experiences.
Putting aside my childhood trauma, in one of my previous blogs A love that Transcends Time I wrote about how men are subjected to marrying a woman to satisfy society’s needs and gay are sex is just for pleasure. Sadly, I have had my experience as a gay sports object to married men (not something I am proud of) that are trapped in an outdated societal norm. Again, Reinforcing the same belief that “Men can’t keep it in their pants”.
The way we love, we learn from our parents. The message I got from that experience in the car was also, “Men can’t be trusted”. Now, my trust issues, run far deeper than that one experience. But fundamentally, that experience thought me, “All men have wondering cocks” and ultimately loving a man, will give you that same disappointed look that my mother had on her face when she saw that unknown women’s watch.
Again, I have been blessed by both partners who have shown their utmost loyalty to me in relationships, and I have also seen men from the outside of their relationships displaying a fierce level of loyalty. So without a doubt in my mind, I know the remedy belief for this one.
Remedy Beliefs and Affirmations:
“Men that can be trusted, Do Exist”
“My Divine Partner is a man who I can trust wholeheatedly”
“Men that can keep it in their pants, Do Exist” or “I want a man that only ever wants to have sex with me and in our relationship”
“Men that value and respect monogamy, Do Exist” or “I want a man believes in monogamy and respects it”
“Men that enjoy sex in a monogamous relationship, Do Exist!”
“My relationship with my divine partner inspires Trust & Confidence”
“My Divine Partner is a man that takes Commitment, Marriage, & Relationships very seriously”
“My Divine Partner is a man that keeps his promises and that takes vows very seriously!”
“My Divine Partner is a very open & honest truthful person”
“My Divine Partner believes in monogamy and he enjoys being monogamous.”
“My Divine Parent is ruled by his mind and His Heart, not his Cock!”
#6: Men are not reliable nor can they provide security
Given we’re at the last belief, if I have to look at the version of my dad when I was a child, the overall theme will be unreliable and unsafe. Today, my dad is sober for many years, his domestic abuse only ever occurred when he was drinking, so sobriety also ended the domestic abuse. I oftentimes blame the alcohol for the misfortunes in my life, and it’s probably why today I myself have been 14 years sober and abstain from taking any alcohol. My mother was no angel and that part of my life needs another blog, but this is about my Daddy issues, not my mommy issues.
How does this belief translate into my life? Well, looking back at my failed relationships, there were only two real guys that I had a relationship with that were truly reliable. I have managed to attract safe men. By “safe” I mean those that don’t hit me, except for the one I mentioned earlier, but somehow that relationship itself never really made me feel safe.
It’s either the guy is in the closet, which means my relationship is hanging on the opinion or actions from external sources — that made me feel unsafe, or it’s with guys, that don’t really know what they want in the future or guys were are grown-ups in their bodies, but in their mind, they’re still children. Are all these men the problem? Some yes, but most of them NO. I am my worst enemy as I have attracted these men into my life as a result of outdated beliefs. Essentially, they were all be self-fulfilled prophecies. For that, I take full responsibility.
Coming back to my outdated belief and how it broke me. It broke me in the sense, that through these beliefs and associations with my dad being unreliable and unsafe, therefore all men are unreliable and unsafe, see how quickly and conveniently is becomes “All Men”, I have created a very toxic dating pattern in attracting men that fulfill these outdated harmful prophecies.
Remedy Beliefs and Affirmations:
“Men that can make me feel safe and secure within a relationship, Do Exist”
“Men that are safe, Do Exist” or “I want a man in my life that makes me feel safe”
“Men that are reliable, Do Exist” or “I want a man in my life that is reliable”
“My Divine Partner inspires me to be relaxed and calm”
“Being in a relationship with a man who respects me, is Safe!
Lessons Learned
Now, there are some beliefs or tenets that I have learned in my life about men, and I don’t need to change them. They simply need to be accepted and embraced. Again, there are many, so for the sake of this article, I will only name a few.
#1: Men are not perfect
Do I even need to explain this?? No one (man or woman) is perfect! Men make mistakes. The idea that there is a perfect man, is false. No such thing. Erase it from your mind!
#2: Men need a North Star
I have observed my dad, my other father figures, and many men from the outside of their relationships, and one common theme I have noticed is that “Men need a North Star!” Something/Someone they can live for, die for. By “North Star” I am referring to “Purpose”.
I have seen men on the brink of throwing their life away, and then they find a woman, and all of a sudden, they are changed. Obviously, this can also count for male-male or woman-woman relationships. This concept can be inspected from many different angles, be it psychology, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, religion, or even philosophy. I am sure there are some interesting answers and findings. But at the end of the day, the truth remains.
Having a sense of purpose is having a sense of self. A course to plot is a destination to hope for — Bryant H.McGill
#3: Men hate betrayal!
Given my experience with my dad and the broom I mentioned earlier, the one thing that stuck with me is that “Men hate betrayal”. Now, I know what you are thinking, Simon, No one likes betrayal! Women or Men! And you are right. No one likes betrayal. But that belief isn’t as strongly anchored to a woman or a female figure in my life, through my personal experience it’s strongly anchored to a man, my father! I can say what about my father, but it still stands true to this day! He hates betrayal, and He Hates Traitors! Same for me really.
#4: Men are more open-minded than you think
Out of all the faults and failures my dad had a father, my truest supporter as a gay man, is my father. When I came out to my dad, his only response at the time when I was 16, was “Simon, just don’t date anyone older than 10 years!”
My dad taught me about Queen (Freddie Mercury) when I was young, he is still a huge fan of Queen and told me that Freddie likes men, and that’s ok. Now you remember earlier, I described my dad as this bearded, masculine man with his flannel shirt and to top it off, with the temper. It still shocks me to this day that that image of a man which oftentimes is associated with homophobia in the media and then adding it with this Queen fan, pro Love is Love, and somehow I struggle to add it up. One of the positive things my parents did right, was showing me that looks can be deceiving, and you need to judge for yourself, not based on the looks.
So yes, men, are more open-minded than you think!!!
#5: Men are capable of great love!
This one is sort of obvious, but then again if you look at the media, it’s not really! Men are oftentimes portrayed as neanderthals that only respond to big tits, that are obsessed with size, be it penis, gun, car, or muscle. Yet, oftentimes, you need to scroll through endless pages, if you want to find the man that is portrayed with feelings, sensitivity, vulnerability, and that most importantly, that is capable of love! True love isn’t something that jumps to mind when you hear the word masculinity or man’s man.
But yet, men are capable of deep and meaningful, great love. I have seen it with my own eyes. My parents are married for almost 50 years. My mother and father are soulmates, friends, enemies, buddies, family, you name it! Despite his many faults and failures, my dad married his great love and it’s true as ever!
Some of you might be thinking, but Simon, be careful not to romanticize the version of a father that isn’t really true, and I will say. I am not. I am very wary of all his mistakes, faults, and failures, but doesn’t that loyalty to one woman (momentary infidelity aside) count for something?
Even if I look at other men my findings remain true. A dear friend of mine, Brian, who died of Covid in February this year, loved his wife tremendously. So much so that it caused his death. Will not go into the details.
Perhaps I am not portraying what I would like to achieve, but the fact remains.
Men are capable of great love!
#6: Men want to be chosen, and telling them that, doesn’t hurt!
Lastly, through covering the dad and broom scenario, I have also learned in life, that men certainly want to be chosen!
I recall when I was in my last serious relationship, I started the relationship with remnant feelings I had for another man. The other man was gone, we weren’t in contact anymore. But through needing to heal, I made the mistake of talking to my partner about this other man with him openly. Big Mistake!
We broke up for various reasons, but to this day, my ex-partner felt I have chosen this other man over him. Despite me trying to find closure with my ex-partner over how abruptly this other man just left my life, and that I needed closure, my ex-partner didn’t really care — all he translated in his mind was “Simon didn’t choose me”
Dick move on me! Not my brightest moment in history, I know. So lesson learned. Rather pay a professional if you need to talk about your feelings. Husbands, wives, partners ARE NOT PSYCHOLOGISTS!
And Again! Men want to KNOW you choose THEM, and telling them that, really doesn’t hurt!
Conclusion
After a lifelong time of trial and error failed relationships, I finally feel comfortable in knowing exactly what it is I want from a man in my life and what our relationship together must be like:
I want to be loved. I want to have my own family. I want to be provided Protection, Safety, Security, Stability, Consistency, Financial Abudancence, A Husband, A Lover, A Soulmate, A Friend, A Companion, A partner I can grow old with.
Since I have added some Remedy Beliefs and Affirmations, to round it off, I feel I need to add some :
“Men with the Desire and Ability to offer Protection, Safety, Security, Stability, Commitment, Monogamy, Do Exist!
Sadly, all of these things that I seek come from areas of an unfulfilled childhood, but through finding it, I know I can complete the cycle.
My message to the reader is, to challenge your beliefs. Dig deep, find the anchors to those beliefs, and find the strength and power inside of you to realize, that just as in maths, if there is a negative, the positive must exist. Everything in life has a counterpart. Therein lies freedom and empowerment.
Also, if you find yourself in a place of confusion between the man you have in your life and the beliefs you harbor, what is a clear point of guidance is to look at your man’s actions! Talk is cheap. Don’t rely on theories or false conclusions in your mind. The actions of a man will tell you what you need to know. That said, some men are clueless. Men are not mindreaders and the need to distinguish between the actions of a man that are clueless and the actions of a man who knows how you truly feel about something is important to do. It’s the deliberate actions of men, we need to look out for that is important. Sometimes, you need to just have an open conversation with your man. Let your man be informed and as result, his actions will hopefully flow from a place of “being informed”, in a positive way.
And remember what Abraham said: “A belief is only a thought I keep thinking”.
The End.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
