As I was exiting my marriage of over 25 years, I was confronted with something that was too good to be true. Like most people who have been in abusive or neglectful relationships, I was in a state of deconstructing everything, literally everything in my life.
Who I was, who my soon-to-be-ex was. Who I was as a mother/caregiver. And now, who I was as his non-dependent, a non-wife, a single mom.
What was in front of me ended up being a dream. And like most “rebound” relationships, perhaps has no real correlation with real life. But it’s what I had always wanted: A life with a man, a partner, who could see things from my perspective, who wanted out of life what I wanted, and who was a compliment to my gifts and talents. I had dreamt of a partner who could see me for who I was and loved me for it, didn’t try to diminish or co-opt every interest I had. I wanted a partner who loved me, not just the “idea” of me. I was done with cheap substitutes for a mate. But, a mate I wanted, to be sure.
This man and I worked together every day. We worked mostly via Zoom and email, preparing trainings, retreats, writing manuals and sharing ideas. The projects we did were not only done to make money, but to make the world a more beautiful place. We were in constant dialogue about everything that mattered in the world to me.
Our work, our kids, our relationships, our healing, our work that promoted healing of people’s psyches and souls…these were our topics of exploration. It was more perfect than I ever imagined. I got to dive into Jungian psychology, feminist studies and theology, and indigenous people’s relationships with the earth. It was a rich time.
As a young wife, in my 20’s, I had had dreams. I had given up my only dream (to be an opera singer) when I got married at 19. The husband came first. I had been taught that since I was a young child. And so it was. Nothing told me anything different. My life revolved around him. And my dreams had to begin that dance as well.
What could I do that would fulfill me and bring us closer together? What kind of work could I see us actually doing together. I wanted a partner. I didn’t want to “high five” someone at the end of eternally long days. I wanted to wake up with someone, work on and off throughout the day with them, build a life, and be loved. I knew what I needed. How was I to get that?
So I tried all kinds of things. We dreamt about living on a farm, working together on projects, maybe saving money for an inn someday. He would get his doctorate and we would travel as a family on his sabbaticals. I was homeschooling the kids anyway…of course that would work.
It didn’t work. He took 20 years to finish is graduate degrees and didn’t work to find a job with any stability. He didn’t want to do research and get his sabbaticals. And when he traveled, he did it alone. My life was all sacrifice and no rewards…when it came to my marriage.
He was a man who didn’t want any of the same things I did, but talked a good talk. He was a dreamer who never could figure out how to make a life for us…or himself for that matter. To this day, even.
He wanted to live a bachelor’s life with a wife and children. All the freedom and none of the responsibility was his life of choice. And no responsibility for us on the emotional, psychological, physical, nor financial level either. Yes, he did work. But it was my job to make sure we had enough, which forced me to work all kinds of part-time jobs in addition to homeschooling and taking care of innumerable animals in the barn. Yeah, I’m a sucker.
My dream of a real partnership never came true with him. But it did with the man who came next…minus the marriage and “waking up next to them” part. It was, however, all of the other parts that showed me what I really wanted…and what I had been missing.
All of the time we spent working together fulfilled the needs of my first love languages, time together and acts of service. My needs were met like no other time in my life. I finally knew what it was to be loved and prioritized.
I know I had been loved before, but by people who were not to be partners. But here, I actually felt loved. And the contrast was stark.
This person made time for me. He wanted to spend time with me, exploring my life, my relationships with my spouse and kids, and work with me on projects. OMG! I love doing projects with the person I love.
And these weren’t just any projects. These projects really changed people’s lives. I saw how what we did opened people’s hearts and gave them the little nudges needed to heal long-time hurts and explore their joys and griefs. It was work that helped people address their father and mother wounds, the distance they had with their children, and rekindle their inner child. It was the most fulfilling work I could have imagined.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t know what that had felt like. I wouldn’t ache for it so much. Other times I am grateful that I did have it, even if for a little while.
No matter, the longing is there and I don’t expect it will ever go away completely. I can at least say that I once had all but one piece of the puzzle completely put together. And maybe that’s all we ever get. All but one piece is truly amazing.
Each time the puzzle gets put together, it will look different. I get that. This time, it’s good…but it’s so different. The picture, all the way to the edges, is different. It’s not what I would have expected. But, it’s good.
Living in the past can be so dangerous, and writing is so cathartic. Thanks for reading and doing this journey with me.
I know I am the master of my fate and there is much life to be lived. And I intend on living it, every day. There is so much that I can do. And the sweet man that I am with gives me space to do it. I’m, once again, a lucky girl.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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