Disclaimer: This piece is not scientific. It’s based on the writer’s own thoughts, experiences and opinions.
My sister’s wedding is a few days away, she met her fiancé almost 2 years ago, and we both have been so busy enough and living half the world away from each other that I didn’t really get to meet or know much about her soon-to-be husband. We finally got a minute to sit and talk a few days before the wedding. I knew that she needed reassurance, as much as I did myself to stop worrying about her. We talked and talked about it, and as we yapped about every aspect of this decision as two minds thinking out loud together for a dual reassurance, I knew there was one question that I needed her to answer that could put both our minds and hearts relatively at ease. “Is he like you?, Is he like us?”
As a person who hates categorizing people or generalization in general, from my experience and what I’ve learned so far in this life, with a sprinkle of a so-called philosophical logical overthinking session, I’ve found that, as one of the most beautiful things about us humans is how much we differ from one another, how we think and want the same things in different ways shapes and forms. Two human beings forming a bond are bound to disagree, a conflict is bound to occur sooner or later, and when it comes to conflicts, there are two types of people, rather two types of mindsets. To demonstrate(and low-key due to my poor writing abilities) we’ll create a very simple fictional conflict, two people who love each other dearly (they can be friends, lovers, or siblings) are heading to a certain far destination that they’ve both been to before on their own. Halfway through the journey they disagree on whether to take a right or a left facing an intersection knowing how long and far the journey is already, and how much time and effort it would take to go back and take the other direction, they’re left with a conflict to deal with.
The first type of the two is The Reacher. The Reachers have this underlying layer of their structure of human interaction, this core belief, that there’s never a reason to hurt another person or the need to impose something on someone by force. The Titanium that makes that first layer, that base for human interaction which all the rest is built on, those morals, could’ve been molded and put in place by family, society, or just the innocent instinct of a human heart. Nonetheless, whether they’re conscious of it or not, it’s the base that each and every core belief regarding human interaction is built and based upon for a reacher. And so they see conflict as a knot, something to peacefully and gently resolve, keeping the rope straight, intact, and useful. Something that doesn’t need force or strength, but rather just a clear intention to untie the knot safely, to simultaneously resolve the knot and keep the rope intact doing so. For Reachers human interaction is two people trying to understand each other, whether it’s a conflict, a conversation, or trying to communicate how they want their coffee to a barista, for them human interaction is built on connection and transparency. Because deep down subconsciously they see their actions as a direct expression of their intention, and so if my intention is to get what I want without hurting you in any way, how else can that happen if it wasn’t through us communicating together what to do making sure neither of us is hurt by the other’s actions, because for them the two parts of their intention the (Getting what they want) part and the (without hurting the other person in any way) part, are at least equally important to them if the second one isn’t more important for some(yes I know you can tell I’m a people pleaser).
The Second type is The Rulers. The Rulers also have an underlying layer of their structure of human interaction, a core belief, that the way life works is either you impose yourself on the other person, or they’ll impose themself on you. Either you force what you want on the other person, or the other person will force what they want on you instead. Every interaction in life for them is a win-or-lose situation. The Titanium that makes that first layer, that base of human interactions and perspective on life which all the rest is built on, could’ve been molded and put in place by family or society if not both. And through time and experiences, every building block follows the other creating the structure that the base is holding. And so the need to have a checklist of everyone’s “rights and roles” in every possible situation, to make a collective big authority that forces us all to treat each other how we’re “Supposed To”, what a wife “duties” are to her husband, what a brother is supposed to do for his brother, what rights do I have when I’m in this specific kind of interaction and what rights I don’t, lists and roles and rules, all made not to protect everyone’s rights, but to feel a sense of peace and relative safety that the other person won’t impose what you don’t want on you because they would and will if a bigger authority is not there to force them not to. The vicious cycle never stops, and neither does the construction of the structure that never feels done, and so the “you have to force people to respect you” or “If you don’t force people to respect your boundaries they never will” takes its place as just another next building block that’s a hope of this structure finally being done. Yet it never is. Don’t get me wrong, everyone should value and protect their boundaries in all interactions, but there’s a huge difference between forcing someone to respect your boundaries, and between not accepting your boundaries being crossed, There’s a huge difference between forcing everyone to respect your boundaries whether they actually care for you or not because that’s how you protect your “Worth”, and between cutting ties and taking your actions of protection against those who don’t respect your boundaries and valuing the ones who respect them because they know it’s your absolute right and cares for your wellbeing. There’s a difference between getting someone you love a gift on their birthday because it’s part of the rules of loving someone, and between having a connection with someone you love and using your heart when it comes to your relationship and interactions so at every birthday you find yourself trying to think of something that will make them happy because you wanna celebrate their special day with them and you get a tingly sparkly feeling in your heart when you see them happy. Human actions are all fuelled and fused by and with emotions, and so if there’s no soul in a body, you can keep its heart beating and lungs breathing, but it won’t change the fact that it’s clinically dead.
Going back to our fictional conflict, if both the humans in this conflict are reachers, they’d take a breath and put their bags down, or keep them on standing while fuming inside either way, they’ll reach the other person, try to understand them, try to get why they think they should go left, explain why they think they should go right, and effortlessly from the first word spoken they’re one being with two compassionate souls, a collective set of information, and two brains with one goal. And so one of them might convince the other of their choice, one of them might think it makes more sense to go right because the other person has a track record of a better memory on the road even though they still think logically they should go left, both of them might realize that both their initial logic is wrong and laugh in pain of how they now have no idea which direction to take. Either way, 24 hours later there’s no baggage, there’s no score, there’s nothing but memories of what they went through together and a safe connection that feels stronger with each conflict they go through.
If both humans in this conflict are rulers, both their minds immediately will be putting all the effort it can in proving that they’re right, the conflict effortlessly will turn into Human #1 thinking that they should find a way to to force their opinion because Human #2 is not thinking right now and only trying to prove they’re right and so they won’t be able to see that they’re wrong. while Human #2 thinks exactly the same. That’s with not putting other factors in consideration if they’re a couple or a pair of siblings, is someone older than the other, basically, we’re not putting the rule/roles bible in consideration, which would make it quite messy. Nonetheless, it would end in the same way, either one of them would force their opinion on the other, or one would let the other get this one, with the ricochet of either keeping score so they’re owed the next conflict, or one will have the patience of waiting for the results to be the definitive prove that they were right and so solely earn the right to make a decision in this type of matters. All in all, 24 hours later there will be baggage, there will be an updated (impossible to keep track of) score, and there will be another new layer of bricks in the structure that never seems to be completed and done.
My sister took a minute, I could feel her thoughts going through the now usual order making the millionth quality assurance of a perceived reality evaluation. She takes a breath before peacefully reassuring me with a smile “Yes he’s like us”.
I took a breath feeling hopeful, knowing I’ll never stop worrying about her ‘till the day I die, but that irrational fear should be at least challenged by a logical assurance. And the logical assurance this time is that he’s a reacher. The most important thing in a life partner is being a reacher. It’s the cornerstone of any successful human relationship. A couple can be different from each other in every way, in interests, in views, in the way their body function, in what AC temperature feels comfortable, but having that cornerstone is what gives them the ability to coexist, it’s what gives them the ability to love each other in every aspect of their life, not in despite of conflicts, but through conflicts.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Vadim Paripa on Unsplash
