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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Special Offer on Matthew AI
Before we get into this video, I want to let you know that I’ve made Matthew AI available for your entire first month for just $7—for a limited time only. This offer is valid until Friday the 25th of this month. After that, it goes back to its normal price.
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Go try it. Just head over to askmh.com and grab the offer. Pause the video, go get it for $7, then come back and watch. I think you’re really going to love this one. I’m excited and I look forward to reading your comments.
Are These Red Flags… or Not?
How do you make sure you don’t misinterpret things as red flags? The messaging out there can be really confusing.
In your book, I love how you talk about interpreting and labeling behaviors—but also how that can sometimes contradict what we actually want. We might be holding ourselves back from finding someone who truly deserves us.
You said:
- He doesn’t compliment you? Red flag—he’s a withholder.
- He compliments you too much? Red flag—he’s a love bomber.
- He never asks questions about you? Red flag—he’s a narcissist.
- He asks too many questions? Red flag—he’s controlling.
- He’s disrespectful to his mother? Red flag—he’s immature.
- He’s too close to his mother? Red flag—same thing.
So, how do we know what’s real?
Looking Deeper: When Red Flags Might Be Amber Lights
Sometimes we get stuck thinking mutual attraction is everything. We look back and ask, “Where did I miss the signs?” But we need to make sure we’re not labeling something a red flag when it’s really not.
You list in your book the real red flags we should be paying attention to—but we often don’t. If we ignore these or focus on the wrong ones, we could act in ways that damage the relationship.
We need to be careful going into a relationship constantly on alert for red flags. No one wants to date someone who’s just assessing them. We want to feel like someone is present with us.
What we really need to be asking is: “Is this person someone I want to continue giving my time, energy, and emotional investment to?”
The Importance of Curiosity and Communication
As the relationship progresses, if we see something we don’t like, especially something that reminds us of past pain we ignored before, it’s important to ask ourselves, “What approach serves me better now?”
Not everything we don’t love is an automatic dealbreaker. It’s not necessarily misogyny or disrespect. Some things are just gray areas. Instead of cutting and running, it might be better to get curious.
What would happen if you communicated? If you expressed how you felt about what just happened?
Amber Light vs. Red Flag
Before something becomes a true red flag, it might actually be an amber light—something to investigate. I’ve mistaken amber lights for red flags before. I was too judgmental, didn’t talk to the person, and never gave them a chance.
Early in my relationship with Audrey, I saw something that made me jealous. I thought it was a red flag—but it was actually just my fear. My trauma. I responded defensively and it caused a fight. I felt out of control and vulnerable.
Instead of expressing that, I went cold, made passive-aggressive remarks, and finally blew up. Audrey ended up feeling like, “This is not cool.” And I felt ashamed for not handling it better.
Vulnerability and Masculinity
That experience taught me something. It wasn’t a red flag—it was fear. It had the potential to push someone away.
When we get scared, a lot of us act out. I used to do that. Get anxious, then defensive, then push people away—because if they saw the fear behind the mask, I thought they’d stop loving me.
That was my biggest fear: that being seen as fragile, insecure, or jealous would make me unattractive. I thought they’d never look at me the same again.
That’s a huge source of toxic masculinity—men refusing to show how scared or inferior they sometimes feel. It’s easier to act out than to be vulnerable.
The Power of a Healing Response
In that argument, Audrey didn’t storm out. She said something like:
I’m sorry this brought something up for you. It’s a horrible feeling to feel jealous and insecure. I want to reassure you.
That kind of response can change everything. Because in the past, when I was vulnerable, someone literally said, “I find that really unattractive.” It shut me down. I told myself I’d never be that vulnerable again.
That’s a common experience—many people open up and get hurt, so they decide vulnerability doesn’t work. But the lesson isn’t that vulnerability is bad. It’s that the other person wasn’t capable of holding space for you.
A Relationship That Helps You Heal
Audrey told me:
When you tell me things like that, it doesn’t make me love you less. It makes me love you more. You’re even more special and interesting. It doesn’t take away from your strength or power—it just lets me see all of you.
That’s what we all want: someone who sees us holistically—not just the light, but the darkness too. And we have to do the same. View someone contextually. If their behavior stems from their past, you can understand it—even if it means you still choose to walk away.
That’s the greatest gift: to see someone fully.
When Compassion Needs Boundaries
Now, let’s go back to red flags. If something isn’t abusive or dangerous, sometimes it’s a sign to open a conversation—not shut the door.
For example, if someone says, “Don’t bother calling me,” it could be seen as a red flag. Or maybe that person was hurt. And maybe the other person has the capacity to respond with compassion and accountability:
“I think you got scared. I’m sorry I hurt you. But when you shut me out, it hurts me too. Let’s approach this differently next time.”
That kind of response can transform the relationship. It invites the other person to do better. It gives them a chance to rise to something higher—not just excusing the behavior, but setting a standard for change.
Empathy Alone Isn’t Enough
Empathy without standards is dangerous. In narcissistic relationships, empathy can be weaponized. If you have endless compassion and they have endless capacity to take—it can destroy your life.
So compassion must come with a standard: “I care about you, but I also care about myself. I deserve better.”
If someone improves and grows, it can lead to a powerful, healing relationship. That’s why the idea that you have to be fully healed before entering a relationship is nonsense.
The right relationship helps you heal.
Real Healing Happens in Relationship
You and your partner will both still have stuff. You’ll get triggered by things outside the relationship too. Life happens. And your partner’s job isn’t to fix you—but to hold space, support, and offer compassion when needed.
That’s what makes the red flag conversation so important. We can’t throw out every behavior as a red flag. If we do, we’ll never date anyone—and we’ll be undatable ourselves.
The Bigger Picture: Relational Intelligence
This book isn’t just about finding love. It’s about building confidence and developing relational intelligence.
When you show up with that mindset, you’re not just looking for someone amazing—you help people become amazing. Some will rise to meet you. Some won’t. And that’s okay.
My Journey With Audrey
When I started writing this book, I was single. By the end, I was married. That’s not a coincidence. It’s the result of the work I’ve done on myself—and what I teach in the book.
What I love most about my relationship with Audrey is that we’ve helped each other become better people. When you start owning that power—to be a force of growth and compassion for others—you expand your pool of connection, not shrink it.
Final Thoughts: True Growth Is Acceptance
The greatest work I’ve done isn’t making myself “awesome.” It’s accepting the parts of myself I thought no one would accept. Making space for my whole self.
And when you do that, you make space for others too. You stop judging. You see the fear behind the behavior. You lead with love.
Try Matthew AI Now
Thanks for watching. Leave a comment and let me know what you thought.
And don’t forget—take advantage of the $7 offer for Matthew AI at askmh.com. Go do it now before you forget. I look forward to hearing what it does for you.
See you next time.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
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