The Myth That Narcissism Is Self-Love

According to the Greek myth, Narcissus was a beautiful young man who rejected all suiters, eventually falling in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. We take the name “narcissist” from this myth, but the belief that narcissists love themselves too much couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality, most experts in the field believe that narcissism tends to stem from deep (and unrecognized) feelings of shame, not self-love.

Where does this come from? How narcissists are made is complex, most likely including both environmental (nurture) and genetic (nature) factors. Let’s look at the nurture side first. Narcissistic tendencies generally come from being raised in a way significantly deviating from ideal care. Most experts agree that it may arise either from being overly pampered or from being abused.

It does seem to be key that on the over-indulgence side of things, this most often includes some degree of emotional disconnect as well. Think of the child who is told they are wonderful and perfect, and gets everything they want–except the parent’s real attention and engagement. These parents want an idealized version of a child. The child may be praised, but they are not truly seen. In this case, the narcissistic tendencies arise from needing to hold this image together, as it is associated with acceptance in the family. The shame lurking underneath is that none of us is, of course, perfect. This narcissist is on some level terrified that people will find this out and they will be cut off from how they have learned to find love.

On the abuse side, the parents also don’t really see the child, who is told that they are worthless and is consistently blamed, devalued and hurt emotionally and potentially physically as well. The child may be a scapegoat for a parent’s frustration in life, told that they have ruined everything, etc. This narcissist doesn’t have the chance to develop a true center of self-knowledge, and spends their life doing everything they can to make sure people don’t find out their deepest fear–that they are, at the core, the worthless person their family told them they are.

The genetic, or nature, side of things is an evolving understanding as narcissism is being studied more and more thoroughly. This research can be a bit tricky, as narcissism is a disorder known as “ego-syntonic,” that is, it doesn’t bother the narcissist although they generally wreak havoc in the lives of those around them. Therefore it’s uncommon that those with significant narcissism identify themselves this way, much less sign up for research studies. That would be admitting there is something wrong with them, and well, see underlying shame above.

There is evidence for a couple of things, though. One is that many narcissists carry the MAOA-L gene variant, which impacts serotonin in the brain. One aspect of serotonin is that it is critical to a system that helps us regulate aggression. The MAOA-L gene variant is also known as the “warrior gene,” in that people with the variant tend to respond to provocation more aggressively than those without.

The other is that narcissists seem to have a disrupted relationship with another critical neurotransmitter, dopamine. This may be habituation from early indulgence or abuse, it may be a genetic response, or both. But no matter what the reason, many if not most narcissists seem to be continually on a dopamine-seeking mission–much more so than those who are not high in narcissism. This might look like flirting or having affairs, gambling, shopping, drinking, or drugs–all ways to acquire a hit of dopamine. It’s probably a key reason they idealize and then devalue–novelty brings dopamine, familiarity does not. So when the target becomes familiar, the narcissist needs something or someone else to get their “hit.” (Also see Is it Fighting or is it Abuse?)

It’s important that we understand narcissists do not actually love themselves, but very rarely have the self-awareness to recognize this. It can look from the outside like they think they are God’s gift to the world, but underneath, which they rarely show and can’t even look at themselves, they generally feel they are the opposite. Their abusive behavior is part of their attempts to keep this shame buried as deeply as they possibly can.

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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.

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