We teach people how to treat us.
~ Author (me at Lola’s Lines)
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Three days ago, I decided to muster up the courage to leave. And no, this wasn’t the first time — a quick guess brings me to about number five, maybe six.
I know what you’re thinking as you read this, likely rolling your eyes and shaking your head.
A person who loves themselves doesn’t stay in an unhealthy union. They certainly do not wait until two and half years in to finally decide to walk away. Well, that’s how long it took me. To be clear, I’m not here to make excuses for my situation. Rather, I want to share my story because I’m convinced I am not alone in all this drama. I’m also doing so for accountability — relationships are a two-way street (sometimes even three-way).
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Samuel (my former partner) is what much of society would call a ‘catch.’ He’s intelligent, soft-spoken, quiet, reserved, super creative and by most accounts, a humble person. So how is it possible that I deem him a narcissist?
Here’s the thing: I wasn’t quite sure about using this label for him. Since our romance began to bloom in late September 2021, I saw in Samuel something special. He’s indeed 14 years my senior and although we both come from the same vibrant Puerto Rican culture, we grew up quite differently (he, here on Borikén — our Indigenous name, whereas I am from New York City).
I’ll set that aside for a moment.
The other important thing to note is his creative side. A former drummer, Samuel is an artist — a painter, sculptor, and serigraph designer. He drew his first sketch at seven years young. His art graces the homes of Spike Lee, a [former] Mayor of Tokyo, and a millionaire [former] baseball player, just to note a few.
He has exhibited his work in México, Cuba, the Dominican Republic and across the U.S. In short, Samuel is a world-renowned artista whom many adore and admire. And to be clear, I too have great respect for his work, but this does not translate into adulation for him as a man.
I did not put him on a pedestal, like those other people.
And when I reflect on the past 24-plus months, therein was part of the dilemma. A person like my past partner is accustomed to nearly everyone making them feel as if they are the sole significant soul in the Universe. When almost everyone around you continuously reminds you of your brilliance, of how wonderful you are, you start to believe you are flawless.
This brings me to a question I once asked Samuel —
Is there something about yourself you’d like to change? Something you‘d like to improve?
Telling him about how I’m working on having more patience and being a calmer person, I figured he’d also share some of his vulnerabilities. I got zero! His response surprised me “I don’t think about those kinds of things, it’s really a waste of time to do so.”
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His words have stayed with me. Mostly, because I’m convinced he truly doesn’t think about things like that. He’s focused on his art and his legacy. This latter, I do not criticize him for, but I still cannot fathom how a person would conceive they have zero self-improvement to concern themselves with.
So here’s where the narcissism comes in — and why I wasn’t so sure about categorizing Samuel as such. According to this Duke Health article, 9 Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder —
Having narcissistic tendencies — like bragging or making yourself the center of attention — are normal when they occur occasionally. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is different. Symptoms are more severe, occur across different situations and environments, and make relationships with others challenging, if not impossible.
The article shares insights into the symptoms via what it calls the Special Me acronym. Here’s what it looks like —
SPECIAL ME
- Sense of self-importance
- Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success
- Entitled
- Can only be around people who are important or special
- Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
- Arrogant
- Lack empathy
- Must be admired
- Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them
The thing about my former romantic partner is he’s a humble man, who lives a non-lavish lifestyle. He’s wealthy (yes, he’s one of the few artists I know who make a very comfortable living off of his craft), but one look at him and how he lives tells a different story. He rarely exhibited arrogant tendencies (except for the times when he’d say ‘I’m already established’) and he shuns the limelight.
On the other hand, some of his behavior made me realize he suffers from a certain degree of narcissism. As an emerging spoken word poet, I’d often talk to him about upcoming events (a few times, he ensured to close his studio early so he could arrive to hear me perform), but he never once asked me things like — “how did you feel?” or “which piece are you going to perform?”
Not once did he ask me any specifics about my work — how I chose a topic, how did I start writing poetry, why I got into spoken word. Nothing! There was one time at an open mic night when we got into an argument (afterward) because he said I get so excited about hugging other poets, chatting with them — he felt my admiration for their poetry was unnecessary.
Another thing he said that showed me his complete lack of empathy was a comment he made about my childhood sexual trauma. We were having a heated discussion about our relationship issues, when he blurted —
I feel like you’re making me pay for something that someone else did to you.
He was referring to my being sexually abused at 11 years young. His remark hit me like a freight truck!
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To be fair, I must admit my shortcomings because as I noted earlier, a relationship is a two-way avenue. My short fuse (I’m not a very patient person) means at times I get so frustrated with him that I just shut down the conversation. I am controlling about things like timeframe — I do not like to be kept waiting (e.g., if he tells me he’s on his way, why does it take 40-55 minutes to arrive to pick me up when we live a 13-minute drive apart?)
Though I’m fluent in Spanish, it’s still my second language (it is Samuel’s first — his command of inglés is rather limited), and often I have trouble expressing myself in español, especially when we have heated arguments. So I alternate between the languages knowing he can’t keep up. These things have only hurt our romantic union.
So what recently happened to push me over the edge?
I took a short trip to New York City last week — to showcase my poetry. During those five days, Samuel did not:
🛑 call me once
🛑 text me before my two events (for well wishes)
🛑 text me to say have a safe flight (on my return to Borikén)
🛑 comment/show interest in a short video clip I sent of my performance
🛑 ask about the poems I was planning to share
To be fair, when I told him about the hiccup I had during a performance, he did ask me about it. He also said he didn’t call me because he “didn’t want to interrupt my trip.” But when I pressed him on the issue, he said that he called me several times! So which is it?
We argued the day I returned, this past Thursday (I had already decided I could no longer stay in this relationship). I pointed out the above items, I also spoke with him of the issues in our relationship (my lack of patience, his lack of interest in my poetry — which is a huge deal for me, his gaslighting, often telling me I’m ‘too sensitive,’ his violence — when he gets very upset, he starts to throw things and use verbally abusive language).
The argument got heated, with us both yelling. He took a few of his things and slammed the door on his way out. I could write a book about what happened that day, as well as over the past two and a half years, but it’s pointless.
Instead, I’ll simply add a few of the things impacting my decision: verbal abuse, aggression (once while he was driving, he [annoyed that I was texting] snatched my cell phone out of my hand and threw it against the floor on the passenger side — where I was sitting, I was terrified, thinking he would hit me), emotional abuse (telling me no other man would ‘put up with’ me), accusations (saying I’m ‘too friendly’ with other men) and blaming me for his violent behavior (on a few occasions he has thrown things at me), once he even took one of his paintings and threw it in my garden — breaking the frame. He later accused me of causing him to react thusly.
Still, I stayed. Partly because I believed our relationship could improve and partly out of financial insecurity. Of course, I realize neither are justifiable and I am ashamed to have allowed his economic support. In the end, my soul knew it was time to leave — long overdue, really.
The fact remains, I’m convinced Samuel doesn’t know how to fully engage — be present — with me, my poetry, and my trauma healing. When I once suggested we try couples counseling, he mocked the idea.
It’s best this way. We had some warm memories and many laughs — those remain with me, but I have to stick with this decision. My mental health and my heart must make me a priority because…
Self-love is everything.
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Gracias for reading.
If you enjoyed this, you can subscribe to my articles here.
You can also catch me on La Trekista (travel blog), at Lola’s Lines (my business website), and on Instagram.
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Acknowledging the Arawak, the First Peoples of Borikén, on whose unceded lands my work is created. In gratitude for and in honor of our Elders, past, present, and emerging. May my work always unapologetically and boldly uplift our wondrous Indigenous Taíno, Iñeri, and African roots.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Ava Sol via Unsplash
