A lack of close friends has been shown to be as dangerous to your health as smoking.
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When I first started writing about men’s issues, I informally surveyed and interviewed as many men as I could. I asked men of different ages, races and sexual orientations to tell me what it feels like to be a man in the 21st century.
Early in the process, a common theme emerged: most men didn’t feel they had enough close friends. Studies confirm this phenomenon isn’t limited to just the set of men I spoke with. Men in our country have countless casual connections and acquaintances, but few have the types of friends they would reach out to for support if they lost their job, or were going through a divorce.
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In addition to making them lonely, a lack of close friends has been shown to be as dangerous to men’s health as smoking; and nearly half of the men I surveyed and interviewed couldn’t come up with any ways to start making the close friends they crave.
Men who want to deepen their friendships need to be as intentional about their platonic relationships as they are with their romantic relationships.
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With that in mind, I turned to the experts on male friendships; and I found a common theme.
Experts agree that if men want to make better friends, they need to start dating. I’m not talking about romantic, looking for a partner kind of dating. I’m talking about platonic, looking for a friend kind of dating. Men who want to deepen their friendships need to be as intentional about their platonic relationships as they are about their romantic relationships.
Dr. Fred Frankel has run a friendship clinic for children for over thirty years. He says, “The most important finding has been that one-on-one play dates are the best way to build close friendships.” He goes on to suggest making enough time for at least one date a week that lasts for at least two hours.
If you’re thinking grown men must have simpler requirements, think again. Dr. Robert Garfield runs friendship labs for men and says:
In my experience, intimate friendship requires, “dirt time,” sufficient time spent together to allow the relationship the comfort and safety to develop at an easy pace. Speed relationships give us plenty of information, but not intimacy.” He then says, “We recommend starting out with an activity you already enjoy and think the other man might as well. Working out, doing sports, bicycling, or fishing are activities that many men can relate to and can easily convene for.
The trick here, however, is to make sure you set aside some private one-on-one time and space for talking before, during or after these activities…The idea is to share a good time and create an opportunity to get to know each other better.
Stuart Miller wrote about his journey to deepen his male friendships in Men and Friendship. He says:
In our times, we must first truly accept the necessity for an art of male friendship…As talented artists who are busy working away at practice and execution, so must friends be diligent…just as couples these days must work at—indeed, continually reinvent—marriage and child-rearing, men must, if they are to have it, work at male friendship.
Close friendships rarely just happen, especially for men. They take conscious effort and time. If you’re out of practice, planning dates with the men you know will probably feel uncomfortable at first, not unlike romantic dating. There’s nothing wrong with that. The ease and comfort will develop in time and make the initial discomfort worth it.
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The first time I sent my own husband off on a “Mancation,” I was admittedly nervous, but he came home feeling so happy and renewed, I quickly jumped on board.
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If you’re married or in a relationship and worried your partner is going to resent sharing your already limited time, consider this, most women I speak with wish their husbands would go out with friends more. They wish their husbands had more friends and more support.
The first time I sent my own husband off on a “Mancation,” I was admittedly nervous, but he came home feeling so happy and renewed, I quickly jumped on board. Now every year he and his childhood friends spend a weekend together snowboarding, eating good food and talking late into the nights. He always comes home feeling emotionally recharged (and physically sore).
What’s good for you is often good for your partner as well, so gather your courage and look around for a friend or two to start dating.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Sigh .. how true .. if my friend K’s wife n ex-wife knew this .. he wouldn’t have lept off 18 storeys from his apartment last April ..
Even sadder is that “The Gang” .. what a bunch of us called ourselves .. all failed to read the signs .. and I was still thinking of calling to ask for some advise for an up coming personal trip at about the time he jumped 🙁 🙁
Motorcycle, nearly instant social groups – plus now that mancation is ready at nearly a moment’s notice
I know that many don’t want to hear this but in my life, the longest and best friendships I’ve made through the years has been through my church(s). It’s a lot easier now that we’re empty-nesters but even back when the kids were growing up, we hooked up with people like us through various groups. We obviously had church in common but things easily expanded beyond. But from the get go, we were known as “Tom and Ann” with little to no self identity. Having male friends is great BUT you have to nurture those relationships. Just going out for… Read more »
We don’t stress let alone help men cultivated friends. In addition, we stress so much on individualism and competition and this paranoid view of a doggie, dog world that we end up sacrificing efforts to make the world a better place.
Pet peeve.
dog-eat-dog world
Also one of the reasons I’m limited in the friends department.
Yep, our history of “rugged individualism” has some definite downsides.
I’m a people-person extrovert, but like Michael Lombardi above, between work, the kids, and trying to eek out a date-night with my wife every month or two and making sure she gets to have her me-time, it seems impossible to develop this kind of relationship. Many acquaintances, a very old, out-of-state, past-life close friend or two, but no one local who I would call very close. Guess I should retake up smoking too (Ironically, I actually met my closest old-friend at the smoke-pit back in the military days).
You’re right, this is an almost impossible task. I wish I could tell you how to accomplish it, but I can’t. All I can do is, hopefully, convince you that it matters. We each have to figure out how to balance our priorities with our limited amounts of time.
“…..most women I speak with wish their husbands would go out with friends more. They wish their husbands had more friends and more support.” Why do you think these women fell so? Personally, I have about five people in my life I would consider friends. I do not use the word loosely. Of these five people, three are men and two are woman. I have never been into the male bonding thingy. Just never appealed to me. I have always and still do prefer the company of women. It is very very difficult for me to have a close non-romantic… Read more »
“Is it really practicable?” Maybe, maybe not. If you were told you had a life threatening disease that required an hour of treatment once a week, you could probably find a way to fit it in. It all depends on how much you believe in the potential benefits. Male bonding feels unnatural and uncomfortable for many men, especially heterosexual men, but the more they resist it, the more difficult it becomes for them to separate feelings of connection from feelings of romance (I’m writing more about this next week). Personally, I prefer the company of men, but there are things… Read more »
I’m a stay at home dad and an introvert. Plus I’m shy. My wife is always pushing me to go out. It just feels so selfish when there already isn’t enough time to do the things on my plate.
I can relate, Michael. My friends have been known to show up on my doorstep and drag me out. Given the choice, my natural inclination is to stay home and get stuff done too. So you’re right, we all have to prioritize and make choices because it’s impossible to do everything. I will say this though, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. You wouldn’t call exercising, eating vegetables, visiting the dentist or getting a physical selfish, would you? Of course not. Taking care of your emotional needs isn’t selfish either. Being an introvert does make it harder though because it… Read more »