Is my relationship good enough? What can I do to make my relationship better? How do I know if my relationship is gonna last?
These are questions we’ve all asked ourselves at one point or another. Once you enter a relationship, you can’t help but wonder what can be done to make it perfect.
On the other hand, after being in a relationship for a while and the initial enthusiasm has worn off, it’s natural to wonder whether your partner is, after all, the one for you.
I mean, let’s be honest on this one: we all have things we don’t like about our partner.
Maybe they share too much with their mom. Maybe they have anger issues, or they tend to forget your anniversaries. Maybe they’re too social and greet 10 different people every time you walk into a bar. Or maybe they’re anti-social and prefer a book’s company over your friends’ (I pronounce myself guilty.)
It doesn’t matter what it is — we all have flaws, quirks, and some habits our partner might not understand.
So how do you know your relationship is good? Really, you only need to make sure there are these three traits: kindness, understanding, and shared vulnerability.
Kindness
Kindness is the first thing I’ve always looked for in a partner and a quality I deeply admire in people.
Because, in today’s world kindness is so rare — especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Everyone seems to have an idea of the perfect partner in their head, and when the people they are involved with, fails to live up to their expectations, they simply walk away.
Or, in other words, when they see that their partner has flaws, fears and weaknesses they seem unable to tolerate them. Well, they are able, but they just don’t want to.
But, a partner who is gentle with your imperfections, who shows kindness and patience whenever you do a mistake? That’s a dream come true. If you find a person like this, hold on to them tight.
Shared Vulnerability
Raise your hand if you’ve put on a mask around another person. Even once. Maybe you felt like shit but didn’t want to upset them, or maybe you didn’t feel comfortable sharing your feelings with them.
People tend to put on a mask when they are around their partner more often than you might expect. They put a good front for them because they want to keep the magic alive. They don’t want their partner to view them as weak; they don’t want to ruin the image of the perfect human, in fear of their partner abandoning them.
That, of course, is a huge mistake. If you can’t be real around your partner, if you can’t share your inner thoughts, your worries, hang anything that might trouble you, then you probably are with the wrong person.
Your partner should be your shoulder to lean on, someone who wants to see your vulnerable side but who also feels comfortable showing you their vulnerable side as well.
In the words of philosopher, author, and founder of School of Life Alain de Botton:
“Someone with whom we can be open about our anxieties, worries and the problems that throw us off balance: someone we don’t have to put on a good front for; someone around whom we can be weak, vulnerable and honest – and who will be the same around us.”
That kind of someone is who you should share your life with.
Understanding
Stop for a moment and think of your exes. Well, except for that jerk who broke your heart like no other.
How many times have you felt like you didn’t understand them? Or that they didn’t understand you? That was probably the main reason that led your relationship to its demise.
If there’s no understanding between you and your partner your relationship is never gonna work. You don’t have to like the same things as your partner, you don’t need to have the exact same taste when it comes to food or movies, and you definitely don’t have to agree on everything.
But, you must be willing to put in the effort to understand each other.
As Alain de Botton explains:
“Understanding: someone who is interested in, and can make sense of, certain obscure features of our minds: our obsessions, preoccupations and ways of seeing the world. And whom we are excited to understand in turn.”
Final Thoughts
Every relationship is unique, which means that what works for another couple might not work for you.
There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to relationships. At the end of the day, you’re the only one who truly knows what you and your partner want from each other.
But, there’s no denying that one of the reasons many relationships fail, even though there is a big connection between the two people involved, is that most of us have certain expectations of what love should be like.
When these expectations are not met, we think that something is wrong with our relationship, and we start wondering whether we picked the right partner in the first place.
Limiting those expectations is a must if you want your relationship to succeed. At the end of the day, there is no perfect relationship, because there are no perfect people. But, a partner who is kind, vulnerable, and understanding, might be the closest thing to perfection.
As Alain de Botton explains:
“By limiting what we expect a relationship to be about, we can overcome the tyranny and bad temper that bedevils so many examples. A good, simpler – yet loving – relationship could end up looking very different from the conventional picture. We might not socialise much together. We might hardly ever encounter each other’s families. Our finances might overlap only at a few points. We could be living in different places and only meet up twice a week. Conceivably we might not ask too many questions about each other’s sex life. But when we would be together it would be profoundly gratifying, because we would be in the presence of someone who knew how to be kind, vulnerable and understanding.”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Jayson Hinrichsen on Unsplash