Yolo Akili brings us a reflective essay about unemployment and barber shop culture in black communities.
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I saw the pain in their eyes when I sat in the barbershop.
The conversation was about money.
The posture was hunched over,
The pupils lowered;
the heart…heavy.
Phrases echoed across chairs:
“not enough”,
“they won’t pay me”,
“can’t find work.”
At times there were interjections of ambition initiated by Jay Z’s voice on the radio:
“I invented swag/puttin’ super models in a cab”…
After Jay Z the tone of the space would shift,
Someone would say: “I heard they are hiring at this spot in the Bronx!”
“My boy has this plan..”
“Were gonna get on this deal…”
It was as if Jay And Kanye’s economic example was a spark of light; a potential; a possibility.
But when the song ended, the spark faded. And the space was no longer filled with optimism, or pity; or sadness. Just the weight of all. The full, heavy robust weight of it all.
♦◊♦
I know what that’s like.
The first time I was unemployed was in 2007. I had been “released” from a job that was spiritually draining and emotionally destructive.
I stayed for the comfort. And the regular check every month. Even after the scars had started to pile up on my soul. Even after the bags had started to encircle my eyes.
When I was released from that prison, I was still devastated. In my eyes, my economic independence had been stripped away from me. I was forced to find other means of income, which often meant asking for help from others.
It was a very hard thing to do.
Not simply because of my ego. But because of my socialization. You see as a spirit born into a body marked as male by this culture, I had been instructed from birth that to need help, particularly help with money; meant I was wrong.
I was wrong because as a man I was supposed to fend for myself.
I was not supposed to have hard times. I was not supposed to get down on my luck.
And to support this theory; I could turn on the radio to hear all the rappers talk about people like me “Who needed to get their money up.” Who were “Broke bitches so crusty/disgust me.”
In support of this I could hear all the hetero black women’s narratives of
“sorry ass broke niggas.”
In support of this I could hear all the black men narratives of “broke ass queens.”
In support of this theory I could hear all the prosperity teachers saying that my lack of income flow was connected to my spiritual impoverishment.
No matter where I looked, I was always to blame.
Not systems.
Not inequity.
Me.
I was wrong.
The shame of not having money sent me down a spiral of internal emotional abuse.
I recanted how dumb I was, how wrong I was, how stupid I was that I couldn’t find work and didn’t have money.
It was so easy to fall into a pit of shame and that shame immobilized me for weeks.
It was so hard to dig myself out of it.
Sitting in that barber shop that day looking at all the brown and black faces I realized:
Some of us never do.
♦◊♦
Male socialization runs so deep through our veins; that for many the shame of not having money, the shame of not being able to provide; collapses upon every other facet of our lives.
Some of us rage because of the shame. Some of us try to nut out the shame. Some us write, trying to force the shame to fall on paper. Some of us rationalize the shame as wrong and tuck it under our intellects. Some of us run away from the shame leaving behind our children and our partners.
Few of us speak the shame. Few of us hold the shame, look at it; and let it be within us but not of us.
Few of us now how… Male emotional castration was the first act of male socialization.
“Stop crying!”
“Man Up!”
“Don’t be a punk!”: Were amongst the first words many of us recall.
But we have to get our feelings back.
We have to acknowledge all that is within us that we can use to re-imagine the hustle; re-imagine the system…without waiting on the powers that be.
We have to dig deeper into our imaginations.
We have to realize that we have a lot together and little alone.
You see, I believe the recession is a ripe opportunity for us to re-imagine how we relate to each other economically.
Will we continue even in the face of this to be individuals; isolated and objective?
Will we continue to let our distrust of each other prevent us from economic connection?
Will we continue to cherish our shame in order to excuse our fear?
Will we continue to let the shame contour our hearts and minds?
The foot ball games, the club, the fashion, the diva worship, the fleeting moments of sexual intimacy will not transform the shame of economic disadvantage.
It is only through speaking it, that we can find the courage to divorce our economic disadvantage from our self worth.
It is the only way we can transform that pain to power, by staring that shame straight in the eyes.
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photo: ElvertBarnes / Flickr
Ogwriter …. I hope they use this as a comment of the week! I meant what YOU said, not what I said!
Ogwriter …. I hope they use this as a comment of the week! I agree with everything you said especially the deconstructing. We do some of this with the guys in treatment in that they take events in their life, deconstruct the event and look at attitude, behaviors, thoughts and feelings. We reconstruct the event with positive replacements. Many of the kids are able to see the very moment where their thinking went wrong. Then we delve a little further so as to identify how and where that thinking went wrong. These guys “survive” the moment but have no idea… Read more »
Tom B., I agree this is an important topic. I’ve asked ogwriter offlist if he’ll write on the subject of the White House supporting “gangsta” culture through their support of Beyonce. ogwriter, I hope you’ll take it up.
Anthony and Yolo…The truth is that this is a community wide and country wide problem in America that cuts across most racial lines–except perhaps for some Asian cultures in America: Therefore, this is not just a black male problem and it will take more than an awakening by black men to solve the problem. It seems that the more a culture believes in the American Dream and the values that define the dream, the more likely it is that the men will have major psychological issues when dealing with chronic joblessness. A man without a job in America is nothing,… Read more »
I didn’t work or 2.5 years and it was beyond brutal. I wrote a book about it and now teach others how ot find work/recreate resumes and themselves. We must redefine manhood in this country. Read We Real Cool by bell hooks and let’s use this as a blueprint for our possibilities.
Man, did this hit home. A reflection of the ups and downs I’ve had for the past 6 years since getting out of college and never finding steady footing in a long-term job. Bravo.
“The shame of not having money sent me down into a spiral of internal emotional abuse….’ Thank you for writing this…I think this helps me understand my karate sensei a lot better…..I believe the enormous stress he feels right now is related to impossible sales quotas his work demands and the upcoming twins his wife is expecting…and on top of that, his health worries…. In truth, he comes from a very privileged background, but I think, as your article alluded to, men must feel that they are running in the top three of life’s foot race or else they are… Read more »
@ Peter …. been there, done that ….. There was a time not to long ago I struggled with my identity. I grew up in a time where my identity was definitely defined as to the position I held and the “things” I had attained through my career. I ended up having that which I “thought” was success as a man and I have to tell ya, I was wrong. The corner office, the expense account, company car and all the perks ended up meaning nothing in the big picture. I had definitely attained a life far above that of… Read more »
“The new male is GREAT … It’s GREAT that men are taking on new roles in the home but still, there are many of us that want and need to work” And I think this is true for most humans. Many people (of all genders) want fulfillment in how they are seen in the world, how they produce something of value. I don’t see how this is automatically gendered. Not saying you are saying that. When anyone is kept from producing and participating, they feel stifled. And you are right, it’s not always about the perks but the satisfaction of… Read more »
@Julie “When anyone is kept from producing and participating, they feel stifled.” The proverbial nail on the head. I meet so many kids that have so many skills but are lost in that they have little to know direction. Yet there is endless potential within them. Three recent kids on my unit actually enrolled in Jr. College. I took them to visit various Jr. Colleges and you sholuld have seen their eyes light up. For what ever reason, something clicked …. they actually saw themselves being college students and now have a goal. How sad it is that they had… Read more »
We’ve got to be honest here, this is not a result of the recession, It’s been happening for many years. Helplessness and hopelessness is common with males these days. In minority communities it’s become nothing less then a disease that has to change. Yeah, we really need an open discussion on how we can start to change things. If you put a cricket in a jar without a lid, it will jump out. If you put a cricket in a jar with a lid, it’ll jump and hit the lid. After a while, you can take the lid off and… Read more »
From whence comes the hopelessness and helplessness? If not lack of jobs and structure for men to grow into (since so many thousands and thousands of jobs have been eliminated or moved to other countries or given to workers who work outside the law), what else could have been causing this pain?
Julie, the hopelessness and despair is not a recent advent. The forces that have created it have been at work for hundreds of years. It’s just that the economic downturn exacerbated a long standing, systemic, entrenched societally created and perpetuated problem.
And what are those forces?
“And what are those forces?” The force of women and a society who see men as nothing more than use and success objects. Male value is earned. However, unlike being a woman i.e. a sex object at least men can buy our way out of it by producing. At least we can “be” a man and are not born one as women are born an inherently valued woman. Unless she’s ugly….nothing worse than being an ugly woman. Male value is earned, it is bought. You see, there used to be much less wrong with the way things are for men.… Read more »
So if back in the days of yore, when things were better for men, women were born with an inherent value of “a sex and reproductive object” of sorts and men had to earn their way into getting the reward of women and family? Unless she’s ugly of course. Is that it? Men could find worth in working and earning and feel rewarded by women who would hopefully be pretty enough to be mated to a working man? A And women, who want now to earn and work (never mind they used to work all the time pre industrially), and… Read more »
FWIW, I never ever ever wanted to define myself as “woman” just because. I’ve always defined myself by what I do and what I can accomplish in this world. Some of that is monetary. Most of it is based on community and roles and what I contribute. But I never have felt that my inherent worth was just “being a woman.” I’d go out of my mind if I was at home all day tending house.
It’s a subtle thing, I’ve only really begun to see it in myself lately I started going deaf two years ago, had to quit my job (couldn’t hear customers anymore) and my college course (no point if I can’t work in the field) and I’ve been on the dole/government training courses ever since. Until that happened I genuinely didn’t realise how much my sense of self worth is tied up to what monetarily valuable stuff I can produce. It’s crazy, I’m getting down (like seriously down) because a piece of code isn’t working out or a polygon isn’t rendering properly… Read more »
“Even though I know its stupid and I know it’s just a hangover from caveman days.” Except that it’s not. That’s sort of the point. Mostly it’s a hangover from post-industrialization. You could argue it got it’s origins after the invention of the plough, but it’s difficult (and somewhat irresponsible) to draw a direct line culturally that spans such a great time period. And even in the post-industrial west, where the ideal was that women were meant to stay home and make babies, and men went out and worked, that wasn’t really the reality for a huge number of people… Read more »
A lot of the “caveman days” stuff is bogus. The whole concept of the “caveman” is a product of 20th century ideas about gender. It’s making paleolithic people into “Leave It to Beaver” stereotypes. Notice the similarity between the 1950’s suburban family sitcom and The Flintstones? That’s no accident. It’s a huge anachronism that just keeps going and going because a lot of people prefer to use the past as a mirror instead of on its own terms. Foragers actually had and have quite a few overlapping labor roles. They didn’t divide every single job into male and female jobs.… Read more »
I feel like that. Yeah I do.
“because a piece of code isn’t working out or a polygon isn’t rendering properly”
I’m curious what you’re doing. Sounds like technical director stuff for 3D animation.
@Julie, “And what are those forces? The forces that reasoned that having African slaves was the right thing to do, that they didn’t deserve the same liberties as those that came from Europe or anywhere other than Africa. The same forces that reasoned that even though they were no longer slaves, they had to be kept down, that they (especially the men) were dangerous and, although they could no longer be enslaved, didn’t deserved anymore than what they had when they were slaves. The same forces that consider(ed) black men especially to be threats, that worked relentlessly to strip them… Read more »
Wait hang on a moment…what you’re talking about is social oppression based on race. This article, and Julie, aren’t talking about race.
Right. I’d say those forces listed are evil and terrible, but that wasn’t what I was questioning.
You asked “And what are those forces?” and I answered your question.
No, not just race. Men have been/are targets significantly more than women.
But you are focusing on race, slavery, segregation etc in your post. And you are correct obviously that all those things have had a profound impact on African American men and I’d also say it’s had a profound impact on everyone. Ryan started the thread with “forces” and he’s noting something gender based.
Men are not valued as human beings but as human doings, particularly what we can do for women or society. There is no escape. Men, don’t think for a moment this will ever change. Gain resources…..in any way you need to…..ANY way. 90% of those you end up homeless and on the street are male. If you fail to make money women WILL leave you and society WILL let you rot and die.
An excellent article.
I recommend Alexander Dumas’ “The Three Musketeers” to anyone looking for an example of men carrying themselves with dignity in a situation like the one you describe (the musketeers are perpetually in search of new ways to supplement an unsteady income, are often poor and, as was common at the time, frequently accept monetary aid from their female lovers or patrons without the slightest bit of shame).
…ya done good chief…!
Thank you so much for this brilliant and powerful post.
As the mother of a beautiful, kind-hearted, generous and loving (yes, I confess I’m proud) boy, I see posts like these and my heart breaks for all the sons of other mothers who have suffered like this. This was powerful, Yolo. May you find the connections that you seek to make, and may they form into something stronger and more enduring than all of us.
Eden – Your message is so beautiful and loving – thank you!!
Thank you.
” I believe the recession is a ripe opportunity for us to re-imagine how we relate to each other economically.”
Amen to this.
Yolo, my soul-brother…once again, you write it, tell it, analyze it so well….and for that I thank, salute and love you….speak on… 🙂
I made two shirts that read, “I am Poor.” I thought I should wear them and see what people say. Boldly display what I have been encultured to be ashamed of.
“We have to acknowledge all that is within us that we can use to re-imagine the hustle; re-imagine the system…without waiting on the powers that be. We have to dig deeper into our imaginations. We have to realize that we have a lot together and little alone. You see, I believe the recession is a ripe opportunity for us to re-imagine how we relate to each other economically. Will we continue even in the face of this to be individuals; isolated and objective? Will we continue to let our distrust of each other prevent us from economic connection?” Yolo, Thank… Read more »
A very honest piece…
Very nice article
This was an amazing piece. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Yolo, this is an amazing piece. Well done.
“Male emotional castration was the first act of male socialization.” So true, so destructive. If it is not ok to talk about the emotional pain that overwhelms any man in this situation, it is like pressure building on a dam. And that pressure must be released or the dam will break. What a horrible legacy for so many men. Thank you for writing and speaking out and “transforming pain to power.”
There is much power in your writing.
I stopped going to barber shops and now cut my own hair. I do kind of miss the trash talking but I also hated it. Keeping and ensuring the black man stayed down was how racist society kept the black family muzzled and suppressed, by keeping them poor. After generation upon generation upon generaiton of that frustration and humiliation, some (many) simply lost their will, and have created generations of black men in anger and despair, with hope only through sports, entertainment, or crime. It’s possible to escaepe the cycle but it’s not easy if that’s all you see. I… Read more »
Amen, Eric! We need to show the youth what is possible. I grew up in an impoverished household, my father was in prison for drug dealing, my step-father was an alcoholic… I learned the values of hard work from my coaches, some of which were also my teachers in school. We need the right men to look up to for values and positive examples. But we also need to reinforce that positivity that these men had when the song came on the radio. It may never get better, but there are always glimmers of hope to keep us striving for… Read more »
“Male socialization runs so deep through our veins; that for many the shame of not having money, the shame of not being able to provide; collapses upon every other facet of our lives.”
This is so real. I was a product of “workforce reduction” & I can confirm everything that you’ve written, in fact I was aware but could not change the feeling of hopelessness and despair.
Ditto…
Ditto x 2. At the time my wife couldn’t understand why it brought me down so much. After all, I have so much going for me in other areas of my life, how could I not be proud of myself and all I’ve accomplished? How could I not hold my head up high and keep ploughing away until I found that job? You know on an intellectual level that that is true, but deep down it’s been so ingrained by society that if you’re a man that doesn’t have a job, none of the other stuff matters.