The Power of Flowers: How Something So Small Speaks Volumes About My Marriage

People treat you according to how they feel about you. This is a variation on “If they wanted to, they would,” but remains largely true.

If someone values you in their life and wants to keep you, they will prioritize you — and more, they will endeavor to make you feel like a priority. This might look different to different people but there are a few universal truths: They won’t cancel plans with you at the last minute without a valid reason and a plan for rescheduling. They will create room in their lives to have you in it, and they will include you in the big things, like birthdays and holidays, but also the little stuff, like the real day-to-day happenings.

If you’re left wondering what your place is in someone’s life, I have news for you: You’re probably better off cutting ties and moving on.

If you tell someone that something is important to you and they don’t make the effort to show you that they understood and value you, then they probably don’t. If you tell them that it’s important to have screen-free quality time each day, even if only an hour, to connect, they will either try to compromise and / or accommodate that.

If you like fresh flowers, or if you value a sink with no dirty dishes in it overnight (unless the dishwasher is being run), or if you need a partner who is willing to put their arms around you while you cry and you communicate this to them directly and they still refuse to do it, then they probably don’t care on a deep and fundamental level.

This is true for romantic relationships, business relationships, and friendships. If the other person rarely initiates contact or fails to match the effort and energy you give them, they probably aren’t as invested as you are.

My WasBand brought me flowers (unprompted) exactly 3 times in our 13-year relationship. The first was the very first Valentine’s Day we were together and he was wooing me and still making an effort (12 gorgeous apple-sized long-stemmed red roses with one white one at the center, baby’s breath, and greenery); the second was a half a dozen years into our relationship (10 ballet pink roses, white hydrangeas, lots of eucalyptus and greenery); the last was as our relationship was crumbling (a dozen “apology” deep red roses sent to my work when he knew he’d messed up big, but minus the actual apology. I was still so mad that I left them at work. For four days. They felt less like “I’m Sorry” roses and more like manipulation roses at that point.)

Each time we had fresh flowers in the house (no matter who brought them) I would gush and on and on about how much I valued fresh blooms and loved having them brighten up the room, and how beautiful they were and how I needed fresh florals in my life.

Somewhere in the years between the first and second times my ex brought home flowers, he would return from the grocery store or from being out and running errands and tell me he had thought about getting me flowers (but just didn’t). Once, I quipped back, “Oh that’s nice. I thought about making you dinner… but then I just ate on my own.” (It was a joke; I actually had made dinner for him.)

Fresh flowers in the spring and summer (and lit candles in the dreary days of fall and winter) are important-to-me elements in making my space feel cozy. When I feel like the room around me is clean and cozy, I feel calmer, happier, and more productive. And since I am also fully capable of buying these fairly inexpensive luxuries for myself, I often did just that. But sometimes you want to feel like the people around you — especially those who are supposed to love you the most — care enough to do something they know you’ll get a great amount of joy from, even if it’s not entirely their thing. Especially if it requires minimal cost and effort from them.

I have plenty of friends who will say something here along the lines of “Well, if my partner just told me she wanted me to pick up flowers at the grocery store, I’d have done it.” And yes, perhaps this is true. But part of the joy of receiving flowers (or your favorite candy or what have you) is the unexpectedness of it; it’s the not-knowing the gift is coming. Directing someone on exactly what to get you and when — akin to filling up your own stocking at Christmas just so that you, too, will have something inside — saps some of the joy out of the experience.

The compounded effect of the real gift is not just in the flowers they bring; it’s the knowledge that they think of you when you are apart and want to please you. It’s knowing that they will spend their time (and maybe a little money, though monetary value doesn’t matter overmuch) to get you something they think will light up your face even if it’s not something they value, or they think it’s money down the drain. Just because it makes you happy.

It’s not about asking for what you think you deserve or proving your worth to the people closest to you, it’s about those who are close to you learning to speak your language and what kinds of things make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. It’s about making the effort to see you and know you and honoring what they see.

If they wanted to, they would.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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