JJ Vincent can’t figure out why—in this day and age of relaxed masculine norms — why holding a woman’s purse would be a threat to his masculinity.
—-
This scenario is the stuff of nightmares and jokes, a standard of funny videos with commentaries about being whipped, pantsless, and pussified, a defining moment in many relationships, romantic or otherwise, the point at which she’s got him and they both know it.
It’s the moment when he stands, like a deer frozen in the headlights, wide-eyed, holding her purse.
It’s the next moment when he realizes he is holding her purse, and suddenly this bag with a strap becomes a foreign, slightly itchy object.
It’s the thoughts that flash through his head as he tries to decide, “How do I hold this thing? Over my shoulder? Do I put it under my arm or hold it in my hands? What does this look like? Oh my god, there’s my boss. Can I just die now?”
It’s a situation any man who spends time with a woman has been faced with, or will be faced with…holding the purse. There is no way to look macho while holding a purse.
Now, perhaps you are reading this and going, “So? What’s the big deal? I hold her purse all the time.” Would you feel that way if a male colleague saw you? What about a superior? What about someone you work out with? A client? Someone from your church? The guy at work who just hates you? Your fantasy football buddies, who you watch the game with almost every Sunday and who you’d be with this weekend if she hadn’t made plans for you two?
♦◊♦
I know several men who carry messenger bags or sling bags or man bags that still have trouble holding a woman’s purse, especially if it is open. Hand them a clutch and they are doomed.
Yes, I know this is a cliched stereotype. It’s also true for an awful lot of guys. I’ll admit it. I dislike holding a woman’s purse. I don’t want to be judged as “whipped” or “controlled” or “weak” when all I’m doing is being something between nice and convenient, or get those looks of sympathy, with a dose of underlying, “Glad it isn’t me.” I get plenty of strange looks from people, but I prefer when it’s because I know I am doing something ridiculous (and usually having fun), rather than when I am doing something uncomfortable. Sad thing is, unless it is one of those rare occasions when my our girlpartner is carrying a purse, the bag-in-question usually belongs to a mom or a friend. Sometimes being a nice guy stinks.
You’d think in this metrosexual/post-metrosexual era, when men are allowed to wear bright colors on scarves and hats and ties, and there are shelves full of hair products and soaps and body sprays just for us, that we’d no longer hold purses like they are about to bite us. But when’s the last time you saw a man strolling casually about, holding a patterned, buckled bag, or a granny-sack, or satin-and-chain mini-bag? My guess this that when you saw a man with one, he was either close behind its owner, or rooted to the spot where he was asked, “Can you hold this for a minute, please, thanks.”
If you are thinking right this minute of the last time you got stuck holding a purse and nodding feverishly, you’re not alone. If you’ve not had this experience, you will. If you are among the men who can casually hold something with shine, straps, and snaps, congratulations.
You can hold my rainbow-glitter man-bag anytime.
—
Photo: snickclunk / flickr
I have never asked a man to hold my purse for exactly this reason. I never wanted to make him uncomfortable. However, I have to agree with the other ladies that when I see a man confidently holding a woman’s purse while she is doing whatever, holding it like he owns it, it makes me smile and quite fond of him in that moment.
i guess men in America are a bit different to men from Australia. Why in the heck would anyone care if their boss saw them holding their girlfriends handbag? Are US men really that insecure about themselves?
Yes. I know plenty of typical “manly men” who are purse-phobic. Part of the reason I wrote this was to point this out and to try to ask, “Why?”
JJ – I think that’s the problem – you’re starting with the group of ‘manly men’ (a term that I think needs to die in a fire). I hope this type of man is becoming more and more rare (and more rarely celebrated) as sites like this help men to reclaim that masculinity is whatever we want it to be. ‘Manly men’ don’t like associating with anything that has to do with women because they think women are weaker. The purse thing is worse than buying tampons because that’s a process. Holding a purse waiting for a woman they are… Read more »
I’d suggest a man afraid to hold his wife/girlfriends handbag isn’t all that “manly” at all, it seems he’s more afraid of what other people think of him that supporting his significant other.
Why in heck should I be embarrassed to hold my wife’s purse/bag? Same as why should I be embarrassed to pick up a box of pads/tampons for my wife or daughters…….? Weird B.S. Manhood rules don’t interest me……especially when they make not a lick of sense at all
I’d rather buy tampons than hold a purse. I’m weird.
Maybe because I was never “pretty” with my short troll like countenance, it was clear that I was with a woman when I holding her purse. There never was a chance someone would have thought it was mine so I suppose that avoids an issue “prettier” guys might have.
jj, you could view holding a women’s purse as a mental-yogic exercise
the ability to either extinguish or at least contain emotional discomfort is a great aid in generally being able to go against the crowd, the comfortable consensus.
when one is outgunned and outnumbered mentally, physically, hierarchically
When she asks me to hold the purse, I strut around as if it was mine. That was the last time she asked me to hold her purse, at least for a few months. If you’re going to feel embarrassed, you might as well have fun with it. You’re welcome.
Yeah, me too! 😀
What’s the matter with holding a purse, really?
I’m a man and I know it, if you doubt about it, that’s YOUR problem. 🙄
Really, are men still scared by purses…?!? Oh my!
Mike, thank you for this comment. Love it!
I think the aversion goes to a deep narrative around weakness. For some the association with good quality man being strong is learned so young it is pretty much second nature. After that there is the whole misogyny. Which in this case is not about hating women with is the common association but despising weakness and having the bad association of women with weakness. Thus all things of “woman nature” thus care the badge of weakness with them. To include a handbag. I am a guy that always carries a bag with me full of stuff. My tablet, a book,… Read more »
Honestly, I find it attractive when a man holds a handbag like he owns it. No self consciousness, just “Yeah? So what? We know it’s not mine. I’m helping my lady out. What’s your point?”
I find it kind of hilarious that guys almost seem scared – like if they’re caught holding a handbag, people will think it’s theirs.
“I’d better hold it waaaaay out here, in case someone thinks I like it or that *gasp* it’s mine!”
What the hell? You guys are funny.
KezUnprepared, my partner is the best. He owns more bags-of-carrying than most women I know, but give him a woman’s purse-of-size and it’s not that he looks uncomfortable, it’s more like you just handed him an untamed octopus. He’s adorable.