The Real Romance Series: Arden + Miles

Reading negative news is addictive.

My social media algorithm knows this well. It understands that I’m dating, and that I like to hear stories of people’s relationships. Yet instead of sharing heartfelt romances, it feeds me horror stories.

My Instagram is filled with people talking about how dating apps are a dead-end, their ex was an abuser, men are trash, on and on. Obviously, this negative content was starting to impact my heart. I was less excited to go on dates, and less trusting of the men I met.

As someone who prides myself on my openness and faith in humanity, I needed a change. So I decided to create my own content by interviewing couples who are in healthy, long-term relationships.

What follows is my discussion with couple number two: Arden and Miles.

Arden and I are internet friends. We’d never had a conversation before, so it was extra fun to jump in and learn about the history of their 10-year relationship.

If you don’t want to read the interview but still want to get the takeaways from our conversation, scroll to the bottom. Enjoy!

The Love Story

Jillian: I like to start with a big question: tell me your love story.

Arden: We met in San Francisco in 2011 in our mid-twenties. I had just moved there. I’d been living in the suburbs, and I was really lonely and unhappy.

On Craigslist I happened to find this apartment with a big, connected group of people. I got lucky. And a month or so into that move, a friend asked if I wanted to go dancing. And I love dancing, so I obviously said yes.

That night, I had this goal of a DFMO. A Dance Floor Make Out.

Jillian: Amazing.

Arden: Little did I know that my friend had informed Miles that there was a new girl coming out that night, and she wanted to make out with someone.

From the start, Miles and I had really good banter. The conversation just flowed, we were laughing and having a good time. And at some point, we’re dancing and Miles goes in for the makeout. We ended up just making out all over this club, but I was definitely not going home with him.

But the thing is, it was really hard to get cabs. And all of a sudden, this black town car pulls up and calls Miles’ name. It was the first days of Uber. So I agree to join him, but I still say that it’s dropping me off at home.

When we get to my house, he asks me if I want company. Which is a good line… and also happens to be my line. It felt like a sign!

I wasn’t ready for anyone to come over, so I make Miles wait in the living room. I’m shoving piles of stuff away. Apparently, he was texting our friend to say that he was going to die on this couch that I’d left him on for six minutes.

Miles: In my defense, it felt like a long time.

Arden: So, you know, we hooked up. But we also had some really good conversation. And then in the morning, he left!

The funny thing was, that whole week a friend had planned a week of activities for Miles’ birthday. He’s generally a quiet and low-key person, so they thought it would be funny to do a “Week O’ Miles.” So I went to all of the gatherings. I think I spent the night with him almost every night.

Miles: Relationships are hard. But the beginning was easy. And I do think that’s important. There’s plenty of time for it to be hard. But we knew we were interested in each other. We were comfortable communicating. There weren’t any games.

Arden: Within two or three weeks we were officially dating. We had that DTR conversation right before he went to a bachelor party in Vegas.

Jillian: What was that conversation like?

Miles: I felt good about how things were going. I think leaving the relationship in a vague state, and then going to party for a weekend, could be unnecessarily stressful. So it felt like a good time to talk about it. I liked her. And I wanted to have an exclusive relationship!

Arden: For the first six years, I didn’t think we needed to get engaged. We had a really strong relationship. I wasn’t in a hurry. But then I got impatient the last year. I was just ready for us to move forward. And it wasn’t like I was worried that he wasn’t ready to commit. We even played these pranks on our friends about getting engaged, and posted this whole series of photos on Instagram with the hashtag #stillnotengaged. And then it just stopped being fun. I was ready to do the next thing!

We ended up doing a destination elopement in Hawaii, which I cannot recommend enough. They required no planning, no decision-making. We used this company called Wed Hawaii and I think we talked to them on the phone for 45 minutes total. They handled our marriage license, got someone to officiate the wedding, scheduled my hair and makeup, gave me bouquet options, photographer, videographer, drone, limo service. And it was… four thousand dollars? Every vendor was so wonderful, and it was such a relaxing way to enjoy our wedding.

Changes In The Relationship

Jillian: Tell me about how you’ve both changed during your relationship.

Miles: We made a lot of big changes in the time that we’ve been together. We moved from San Francisco in 2015. We traveled and lived abroad together for a year and worked remotely, which was the hardest thing we’ve ever done. But I think the biggest benefit is it made our relationship a lot stronger. We learned a lot about being together.

For example, I really value solitude. But traveling wore down that experience. We were in these small Airbnbs and one bedroom apartments. So I had to think about, “What fuels my drive for togetherness? For being alone?” Like, is it necessary for me to be in another room when we’re working together? Or is it enough for it to just be quiet, and I’m not really interacting with that person?

Arden: Yeah, I had to learn to stop showing him things on my phone that I think are funny every three minutes.

Jillian: Any other lessons that your relationship has helped you learn?

Arden: We also learned that we don’t have to do everything together. Like, I’ll travel alone. And people will ask me, “What is Miles doing this weekend?” I mean… whatever he wants! Or I’ll go out with my friends without him. I just like being out and have a busier social schedule.

I really believe that your partner doesn’t have to be everything. They don’t have to check all the boxes.

Miles: It’s been rare for us to be in a situation where one of us drags the other person to an event. We have to think about, “What is the drive to bring this person with me?” Like, can you bring a friend?

Arden: I took a friend to a wedding one time and the bride asked what my boyfriend’s last name is. I said, “You gave me a plus one, and I thought my friend would have a better time!”

Relationship Tools

Jillian: Are there any tools or practices that you two like to use to stay connected to each other?

Arden: We have a family off-site where twice a year we go somewhere for a weekend, just the two of us. Not necessarily somewhere beautifully magical. Just a place that has good food. We get a nice hotel room and spend most of the day talking through what we want our next year to look like. We also think about what our goals are for the net 10 years, and what our finances will look like.

It’s great because it’s a dedicated space where anyone can bring anything that feels big, that maybe you don’t want to bring up randomly. And everyone is in a headspace where we know that we’re going to talk about hard things, and can receive feedback. It’s where we’ve made really big decisions around moving and career, and think about where we’re comfortable taking risks.

Miles: Like sure, in everyday life you can get annoyed and vent abut something a little bit. But knowing that we’re definitely going to be able to talk about the big things in three months means that you have space to think about it a little bit. And that saves you from sliding into it after dinner or sometime when nobody wants to have that conversation. Knowing that it will get addressed feels really nice.

The Kids Question

Jillian: I’ve been thinking a lot about having kids, and why people decide to — or not — at certain times. So I’m curious, what have your conversations around that been like?

Miles: When we started dating, I wanted five kids. But I hadn’t actually thought through any of the supporting work of what it means to have a larger family. But I had this very abstract positive feeling towards three to five kids. Of course, you have to start early! You don’t just wake up and have a big family. So, as our relationship grew, it became obvious that we weren’t going to do that.

Arden: People might be surprised by how early we started talking about this stuff. Like, we talked about getting a prenup six years before we got married! We were thinking about having kids, but also what would happen if we got divorced.

Our off-sites are really where we talk about the kids question. What do we need to have in place in order to feel ready?

Right now, we’re ready to have kids in the next couple of years. And we love Brooklyn. We’re not suburbs people. Brooklyn is a balance of some families, but not all families. And we also have so many friends here who will be a part of raising our kids.

Advice For People Who Are Dating

Jillian: I heard you say before that the start of this relationship felt easy. That’s something a woman in another couple also said. She went, “When I see friends in the early stages of dating someone and they’re not super excited? That to me is a red flag.”

So, what advice would you give to people who are dating?

Arden: When people show you who they are, believe them. Looking back on a lot of the dating I’d done since college, I would be with someone for two months when they weren’t making any effort to reach out or didn’t seem interested. Miles showed a level of interest in me and a willingness to commit with his scheduling that was really important.

Miles: I haven’t actually dated very much. We met when I was 26. I think I’d only been on a couple real dates. Most of the relationships I had had grown organically. That’s definitely good for my personality, since I’m a bit more quiet. There’s less pressure. So I guess I’d say, try to put yourself in situations where you can get to know people gradually. You don’t have to hit Tinder every night.

Key Takeaways

DFMO = Dance Floor Makeout
“Do you want company?” is a killer line
Getting eloped in Hawaii is amazing
Each partner doesn’t need to have the same desire for alone time. You can work with each other’s personalities and figure out a social life that works for both of you.
Your partner doesn’t have to attend every big event with you. You’re allowed to bring a friend as a plus one.
Have an “off-site” once or twice a year to have the big conversations. This ensures that both people are in the best frame of mind for those discussions, and prevents little things from blowing up in your face.

–partner

This post was previously published on medium.com.

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