I wonder what he’s saying…
His name came up again during our weekly walk. Although he had exited stage left a few years ago, we often talked about him, their profoundly difficult breakup, and the painful years leading up to it.
This time she shared that she had run into a mutual friend of theirs who seemed a bit awkward seeing her. The conversation was stilted, and when they parted, one question lingered in her mind.
“I wonder what he told people when they ask why we broke up?”.
I was willing to bet $1,000 on what he was telling people.
…
What he’s telling people
I nearly lost my mind when I heard what my ex was telling his friends about why we broke up.
And that’s because it made me look crazy.
But it made him look like the good guy who did everything right.
“I don’t know what went wrong. I just couldn’t make her happy.”
He knew precisely why I left. And he knew exactly why I was unhappy enough to run out the door and not look back.
He knew this because I spelled it out over dinner one night. And then later in the garage where I broke down in tears before I drove off. And then again in a long text message the next morning after I had processed more feelings.
Trust me when I say that I was clear. Direct. And wholly transparent about why I was hurt and upset.
It was all fixable by him simply taking ownership, apologizing, and making right.
But that didn’t happen.
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What did happen
Sometimes, when a man does not want to take ownership, he will simply disregard everything the woman says, and instead, chalk it up to “she just wasn’t happy” — which means, “there was nothing I could do about it.”
This is rarely accurate.
If a woman says, “You lied about how much you talk to your ex,” or “You spent all night talking with other women and totally ignored me”, she has made clear statements about why she is upset.
The solution is not that she should accept you lying to her or prioritizing other women over her.
But when a man says, “I don’t know why she’s upset”, he is saying that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong and even if he does, he believes that she should just get over it and let it go without him doing anything about it.
That is not how we treat people.
The solution is not for women to tolerate being mistreated or disrespected.
The solution is to take ownership and make right.
Don’t fight it, or defend yourself with excuses. Just own what you did and move things toward restoring the relationship.
And this goes both ways. Ladies, we need to do the same when warranted.
…
Want less drama in your relationship?
When a woman tells you that she is upset, the best thing you can do is listen and specifically address what she says.
If she sends you a text message going off about how hurt she is that you didn’t respond to any of her messages while you were in Vegas with your friends all weekend, don’t go into defense mode.
Own up to it. Provide an explanation if you must, “Our room was in an underground cave 5 stories below the Luxor Hotel with no cell service and we got locked inside for three days”, but immediately get into taking ownership, apologizing, and making right.
“You’re right; I got way too caught up in my time with the guys, and I checked out way more than I should have. I should have kept in touch with you and been responsive when you reached out. I promise to touch base with you every day next time I am out of town with the guys.”
Then plan a special evening, day, or weekend with your girl to show her that she is your top priority.
A lot of women will forgive easily when you handle conflict the right way. A proper apology is the key here.
A legitimate apology will likely dissolve and resolve the drama with any normal, emotionally healthy woman.
That’s all we need.
…
How to make a bad situation worse
The last thing you want is for your girl to hear that you don’t know what you did wrong or why she is upset after she clearly spelled out for you why she is feeling hurt or angry.
This is incredibly invalidating and makes us feel unheard and unvalued.
If you truly are confused, or if you aren’t clear on what happened, it’s upon you to sit her down and say, I need to understand this better so I can fix this for us.
If you don’t know what she needs from you to feel safe and secure in your relationship, you need to ask her to spell it out for you and tell you precisely what she needs you to do differently.
In her mind, she thinks she’s being direct and clear when she says, “You treat me like an afterthought!”.
But to a man, that’s a vague statement without a clear course of action. That’s why nothing changes.
It’s better for him to hear, “I want you to plan a date night for us every Friday so we have dinner together at a restaurant you pick out for us.” Now he knows exactly what to do.
If you think you have failed to make your woman happy, it’s possible that you aren’t hearing what she’s saying as she is supposedly spelling it out for you.
When you clearly understand where she feels hurt, angry, disappointed, or frustrated, fixing it can be as simple as a heartfelt, sincere apology.
Then if the relationship still ends, you can walk away knowing that you truly did everything you could — instead of just thinking you did. ❤
🙋🏻♀️ I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments — chime in!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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